Childhood Lifelong Signs Of Repression (possible Abuse)

[Lou J]

Hey everyone,

Apologies as this may be a bit vague or awkward in places, but I have never spoken about this to anyone, or even written it down before. I've barely even addressed it within my own mind.

I have struggled with anxiety and mental health issues my entire life. I don't remember a time where I did not struggle with intense feelings of anxiety, shame, self-consciousness and anger.

A lot of the thoughts, feelings and behavioural things I have exhibited throughout my life, I've just told myself there is simply something wrong with me, like I'm just not wired right. I've seen therapists and tried to self-heal my anxiety and depression with little luck.

So uh... I guess the nitty gritty. Here goes.
I first started touching myself in that way when I was about 5 years old. And for the first time in my life I will admit that I did it while thinking sexual thoughts - usually of abuse, with myself as the victim, and I would think of adult men I had seen on TV or movies etc. It was intense and consumed me from a young age. I was yelled at and humiliated for this. My parent never, ever asked me WHY I did it, or took me to a doctor. I was just given filthy looks and made to feel wrong and disgusting. I have never told anybody this. I once heard my mother telling her friend about what I did on the phone in a disgusted, derisive voice, and I remember crying and thinking that she was going to give me away to another family. This is very strange for me to be writing down. I feel quite anxious and sick inside as I am typing.

I've always felt a deep sense of shame that I have carried with me - as well as fear, embarrassment, self-loathing and worst of all, anger. That one trumps all. There are some emotional things I do recall that I know contributed to this anger, but I've always been baffled as to why I have felt so MUCH anger in such intense and irrational ways.
I started self-harming when I was eleven years old, and I never knew why. It just satisfied the anger and shame I felt towards myself. I also developed an eating disorder when I was thirteen and to this day cannot stand to see myself naked. When I was this age I felt angry and disgusted at the thought of my own sexuality, and when I was touched I would become extremely agitated and enraged and often cry for hours.

Instead of being met with compassion I was met with repulsion, called a 'freak', a 'psycho' and a 'fruitcake'.


I have no clear memory of ever being sexually abused at all. If it did happen, I must have been very, very young. I even feel disgusted at myself for suggesting it while having no memory of it. It seems so silly. But the only facts I have are:

that I refused to hug my father from the age of five and above, had an inexplicable hatred of him until I was about nineteen, and all my life have struggled with random, unexplainable, violent (vengeful?) thoughts against him. I do remember him being incredibly violent towards me in the first 6-7 years of my life and he seemed to really relish in it, but every time I recall the memories, I spiral into a state of mental breakdown and want to hurt myself.

One of my earliest memories is being nearly two years old and when my mother would leave me in my bedroom in my cot I would scream and cry and beg for her not to leave me with my father, but she had to go look after my newborn sibling. I just remember him being in my room for ages, and a sense of terror and praying my mother would come back. Just writing about this memory makes me feel deeply uncomfortable and very angry and betrayed.

I don't know what it means and I don't know if I ever will. He is overly kind and generous now and we have a good friendship but I always have this underlying feeling that he owes it to me whenever he does anything nice, like I am getting even for something. I can't ever feel genuine gratitude towards him.

It was very strange to finally write this down for the first time but I am really interested to hear if anyone else has experienced similar feelings/memories.

Peace and healing to all of you kind souls xx

 

[Casey_03]

I experienced a very similar thing. Exact same scenario with masturbating from a very young age and being made to feel like an alien for it. Clearly remember the doctor telling my mom, "If you don't deal with this now, she will have very serious problems when she's older." i don't remember the context of the conversation, just that it was about masturbation and I think the doctor was suggesting I had been molested. But no one in my family ever believed it or tried to figure out who it could have been. For a long time I had no memories of abuse, just terrible anxiety, depression and everything that comes with that. Was a cutter throughout my teenage years and could never figure out where all the pent-up rage came from. Then, years later, I started to remember bits and pieces, just enough to know something had happened. i still don't know who it was though, nor do I remember much of it.

But it is definitely possible to have no recollection of the abuse. As for the alarming memories of your father, if the only worrisome memories you have of him are from around the age of two, I don't think you should assume that means he abused you. Memory can be a very tricky thing, and it can be deceptive. If you have had strange reactions to him later, throughout your life, then that might be more of a cause for concern. At the end of the day, you know better than I do ... and maybe others on here can offer more insight on this. But I know when I first started trying to remember I often had memories of certain relatives that made me suspicious, though they later turned out to be false.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Trust your gut, Lou. I would be shocked if your father didn't abuse you. It was most likely sexual but not necessarily. It could've been physical and/or emotional, and your young, supple mind could have sexualized it as a way to find safety and comfort in it. The mind (especially the young mind) works in mysterious ways. Your mind turned the abuse into something sexually satisfying. That was your mind's way of trying to take the fear out of it. It's amazing what a child's mind will do to protect him/her.

And I wouldn't pay too much mind to "false memory" talk. While it happens on occasion, it's rare. And in some cases, memories dismissed as false are later found out to be true. The abusers and deniers love the idea of false memories. It protects them by making us doubt ourselves. As a child they taught us to doubt ourselves. If we approached them about abuse, they told us we dreamt it, or we misinterpreted it, or it was harmless, or it was our fault, or it's our job to forgive. Now we're being told to doubt what we remember. The "false memory" dogma is just a continuation of the abuse we suffered. Go with your memories and try to remember more.

And although I don't know if you ever plan to confront your parents about this, I want to say this. You can think about false memories like this: if someone was truly innocent and truly loved you, their reaction upon being accused would be to do everything in their power to show you that they were innocent and to give you peace of mind. It wouldn't be to dismiss your claims outright and blame "false memories" and have the "you can't prove anything" attitude.

So, I just had to give my two cents about false memories. I'm sick of us feeling like we have to prove everything 100%, while the guilty have to prove nothing. It's just typical of the dynamic we've learned to accept, and it sucks.

 

[maurybrooks]

As an intuitive empathic healer I teach that we need to follow our bodies response to our thoughts and questions. Get into a calm peaceful space and alone or with a healer, ask questions and observe how your body responds.

There are many methods to improve accuracy of interpretation and cancel false mental responses but basic intuitive questioning can be a good starting point. You can really zero down by asking questions about visions or thoughts which come up during the process.

When I work with client really odd stuff comes up which I do not want to ask them about but after triple checking with intuition I do and they start shaking there head yes and break into tears. The details of the story have minimal relevance, your bodies energetic charge about the issue is what you need to honor and resolve. The charge is what controls and affects your life many years later.