Limerance Fears

[Paranoid-BedBug]

Thanks to CSA, my sexuality was awakened very early. I had no access to the internet or tv. I had access to a public library once a month and a few movies.

I developed a taste for a very uncommon 'type' of person. Fortunately for me, they are rare, but when I do meet one with a compatible personality, I feel deep limerance for them.

And I know it's limerance, not love, not friendship. I want them to mirror back to me what I want to feel about myself.

I met one a year ago, told them I was limerant, and took a few months to let the heady intoxicated feelings die down.

They contacted me and wanted to be friends. I thought I could be a true friend to them.

And we were having deep conversations that felt so good to find a person who shared my uncommon interests on so many levels.

Then I rewatched a few videos on limerance by Fenna and Heidi Priebe on YouTube and realized that I'm just breaking my own heart.

I don't want to know things about them that destroy my preconception of them being compatible. I don't want them to see my flaws. I don't want a friend, I want an idol to idealize, and that's so unkind to them and me.

I explained this to them and cut contact.

I hurt.

I feel like a jerk. I'm so ashamed. It's been a few weeks, and the shame hasn't abated.

I don't feel any urge to contact them. I don't want a relationship of any kind.

But I do feel such grief for something that never was and never could be.

 

[arfie]

empathy, bedbug. my limerent tendencies are so intense that i plan on them. if i like you, even a little bit, i am likely to build you an altar and light candles in front of your visage. early into my recovery, cutting contact was close to the only way i could manage those compulsions, but healing happens. these days i can just factor the psycho tick into my relationships and manage they symptoms as they arise without pushing people away for the crime of being likeable.

more empathy on the grief attached. in my broken heart, losing delusional ideals is even more grievous than losing the real mccoy. those things that never will nor never can be are unrequited love at their most untested glory.

 

[Rose White]

losing delusional ideals is even more grievous than losing the real mccoy.

My god this is so true