List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Marlene]

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

OMG!!!! :rofl:I read this at work and had to put both hands over my mouth to keep the laughter down.

Angel...thanks for a great deep down belly laugh. Those are the best!

Lisa

 

[Dylan]

Alright, I've got one.

There were these two snails, Ms. and Mr. Snail, and they decided
they needed a new car. So they went to the car dealership and decided on a little sporty car. But, to personalize, they asked that a big "S" be painted on it. The dealership really wanted to sell this car, so they had the "S" painted on the car.

Ms. & Mr. Snail were so pleased! They hopped (well, maybe slid) into their new car & started to zip away. As they were leaving, the car salesperson said to her coworker....(wait for it).....



"Wow, look at that little S car go." Get it? Escargo? :rolleyes:

Ok, pretty lame, but I can't remember a joke for anything, and I've remembered this one for 20 years.

 

[Gravastorm]

Weird News Story - Laughter is The Best Medicine

This comes from very close to my hometown area..I really don't know what to think about that tasty morsel...

Burglar victims wake to spice rub, sausage attack
By Louis Galvan / The Fresno Bee
09/06/08 21:55:06

A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.

Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.

"It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID," Burrimond said.

Arrested was Antonio Vasquez Jr., 21, of Fresno.

Burrimond said deputies headed to the victims' home in the 300 block of South Thompson Avenue near Kings Canyon Road shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday regarding a burglary in progress.

The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying "Pappy's Seasoning" to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen.

After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said.

Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

"That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said.

"I tell you, this was one weird case."


http://www.fresnobee.com/263/story/848554.html

 

[Marlene]

A stamp I'd love to have for work!

Lisa

 

[Deleted member 541]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter asks him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and next in line is a minister. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute!" says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a MINISTER, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While YOU preached, people slept; his clients, THEY prayed."

 

[mikeyo]

Wow just think if i did not have ptsd i would not be in here

 

[Robyn]

Politically Correct Joke

A string walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink.

The bartender, rather rudely, pointed to the door. "Get out! We don't serve stings in here!"

The sting walks home angry, plotting his next move.

The next day, after work, he stops by the office bathroom, ties himself in a knot and combs his hair straight up. Satisfied, he walks back to the bar, goes in and orders a drink.

"Hey!" demands the bartender, "Aren't you that sting that came in here yesterday?"

=-=-=-=Wait for it=-=-=-

The string smiles and looks the bartender in the eyes and says:



"No, I'm afraid not." [No, I'm a frayed knot]

:poke:

 

[anthony]

Carlos Mencia on "how to make a woman cum." Absolute piss funny....

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=rzsfIA3YKvs

 

[Deleted member 541]

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England .

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England .

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 m ph -- you 're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England .

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New Eng land .

 

[Deleted member 541]

One Liners

Amazingly enough I don't give a shit.

You say I am a "Bitch" like it's a bad thing.

Being a crabby *Bitch* is part of my charm.

I'm sorry. My fault, I forgot you were an idiot.

For a good time, call someone else.

Alcohol was invented so ugly people could get laid too.

And your bullshit opinion would be?

Whoopie-dee ****ing do.

I'm smiling. That alone should scare you.

Damn right I am good in bed. I can sleep for days.

Aren't we just the little freak of nature.

Please take a number and stick it up your ass!

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?

Don't make me go Psycho-Bitch on your Annoying Ass.

Easy there Mr. Testosterone, you can be replaced by a zucchini.

Not the brightest crayon in the box are we?

A bit pissy today?

You suck, big time!

I'm still hot!!! It just comes in flashes now.

I see that you are playing stupid again. Looks like you are winning too.

Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.

Well aren't we just a ****ing ray of sunshine.

Rest assured. No one gives a shit what you think!

If we are what we eat, then I am fast, cheap and easy!

Admitting that you are an asshole is the first step.

 

[midi]

:rofl:

I especially like the ones about smiling and being scary, I'm still hot, and poor Mr. Testosterone.

Heh heh! Laughing is so good!

 

[jeapea]

How many (cats, dogs, men...) does it take to tile a floor?
Depends on how thin you slice 'em....