List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[amethist]

FAIR QUESTION......GOOD ANSWER. FROM PATIENT TO DOCTOR

WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After 2 visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (Just turned 60). A little concerned about that last comment, I could not resist asking him,

"Do you think I will live to be 80?."

He asked "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?'

"Oh no" I replied... "I'm not doing drugs either"

Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "Not much, my former doctor said that all red meat was unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, fishing, sailing or hiking?"

"No I don't" I replied.

He asked "Do you gamble, drive fast car's, or have a lot of sex"

"No" I said.

He looked at me and said,...."Then why do you even give a shit"

 

[ISupportHer]

Medical Talk

OK, really happend about 2 weeks ago.

Patient had wax in his ear that the Dr. had to kind of dig out.

After it was out the patient said "Now I can hear my wife!"

Doctor replied with a grin "You want me to put it back?"

ISH

 

[Deleted member 541]

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

 

[Jimmy]

Memory

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as honey, my love, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years you still call your wife those loving pet names".
The old man hung his head. " I have to tell you the truth " he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is".

 

[Nicolette]

Dear Mum

Dear Mum Letter.....

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Mum..

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[Marlene]

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

LMAO!!!!! Too funny.

 

[AthenaErdmann]

T-shirt we saw when hubby was on his way to the doc:

I'm out of my mind, be back in 5 minutes

I want one of those!

This is a wonderful thread - now if I only could drag myself from it and get to sleep... :-)

 

[AthenaErdmann]

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England .

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 m ph -- you 're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England .

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .

...or Canada, Greenland, Island, Norway, Sweden or Finland (Alaska and Siberia are just a tad wilder still)

Personally, I appreciated the "road construction" point. It's very accurate.

 

[philostam]

Jokes (May Pull The Trigger!)

I'm surprised that there isn't a joke thread.

Let this be a free one, with no psychological, sympathetic boundaries. I want you to kill me - my self-pity - with your jokes! :occasion: Try to make up special jokes about your problem!

 

[catjudo]

There is an ongoing joke thread. [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/182-List-Your-JokeTo-Brighten-PTSD?highlight=jokes[/DLMURL]

 

[philostam]

You'd better change the title, because one can't search for "joke".