List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[philostam]

And what about a purely anxiety-related joke thread? About depression, PTSD, symptoms etc.? If you're in people, I create one, and this can be deleted.

 

[catjudo]

Searching for joke was exactly how I found the existing thread. If you want to get a new joke thread going, you're more than welcome. It just seemed that you had been looking for one and hadn't been able to find it, so I was trying to be helpful.

 

[philostam]

Strangely it doesn't work for me. For "joke" just the "Cool joke!" thread comes out. A thought maybe because in the title of the joke-thread there's no space between "joke" and and the following word.

 

[AdamAnt]

I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but......

Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomiac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a doG......

(AA dodges several shoes thrown at once)

 

[gdf]

Three drivers were applying for a job chauffeuring a filthy rich, older businessman. For the final part of the interview he drove them to a section of county where there was a steep cliff with an abrupt drop off a hundred feet straight down. Each candidate looked at the cliff edge while the business man sized them up.

He asked the first candidate "Son, how close could you get to the edge of this cliff while driving my car and stop in time?" Without missing a beat the candidate said "Well, I'm really good...I could get within six feet of the edge and stop in time."

The business man turned to the next candidate and asked him the same question. Immediately the candidate spoke up and said "I could get within six INCHES of the edge and stop in time."

Contemplatively the business man turned to the third candidate and said "How close could you get to the edge of that cliff, son?" The third young candidate, sized up the business man, looked at the cliff's edge and then replied "Sir, I would go any where NEAR that cliff in the first place!"

The business man looked the third young man directly in the eye and said "You are HIRED."

 

[Mayhem]

Try these simple home remedies.....

1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetable while you chop.
2. To avoid arguments with the females of the house about lifting the toilet seat, use the sink.
3. Placing a mouse trap on top of your alarm clock will prevent your from rolling over and going back to sleep after hitting the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will be too scared to.
5. The only two tools you need in your house for repairing things are WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40, and if it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape.
6. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day....

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

DUDE!!! You have been to My house. LOL

 

[Nicolette]

How do these people survive?

McDonald’s Half Dozen
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

Divided Purchase
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

Credit Card Insert
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

Manual Failure
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

Blank Copies
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift... One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

Intentional Accidental Poisoning
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!

 

[Nicolette]

A Good Nurse

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--- if at all. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Corvette you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

 

[Nicolette]

No Speakah De English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can't take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly!
“In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!’

 

[amethist]

SEX AT 82

I took a leaflet out of my mail box today, informing me that I could still HAVE sex at 82!!

I am Sooooo happy about that as I live at 73.....

So not far to walk home afterwards!



As sent to me by a friend who sends me so many jokes that I would never have time to do anything else if I posted them all up.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Ok, Im totally borrowing this one from 'The Pursuit of HappYness'. Something about it just rang totally true to me. It goes a little something like -

A man is drowning in the water. A boat comes along and offers to take the man aboard. The man says 'no thank you, god will save me'. He keeps treading water and another boat comes along and offers to take the man aboard. Again the man says 'no thank you. God will save me'. Eventually the man drowns, and when he gets to heaven he asks god 'why didn't you save me?'

God looks at the man and says 'I sent you two boats didn't I? Dummy!'

That one tickles me.

 

[amethist]

The Man's Side
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. It doesn't matter which quiz.
1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but we really don't mind that, it's like camping.


And we all thought it was only women who had rules. :rofl: