List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[anthony]

Letter: Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning you and your family unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO

Re: Mr Bill Fenton ­ Complaints

15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution ­ WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Septembber 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

 

[anthony]

Thought for the day...

A train station is where a train stops.

A bus station is where a bus stops.

Here I am, sitting at a workstation ... ...

 

[piglet]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I love the workstation one!!!! And the frog one. Not so impressed with the football one - being a lady who understands the offside rule!

 

[anthony]

****ing in Austria

****ing in Austria

Austria is indeed home to a town called "****ing". (48' 03"N 13' 51"E)

Tourists are causing a lot of anxiety, and are costing money, to this tiny village where signs keep disappearing. What do the signs read? "Welcome to ****ing, Austria." Pronounced "fooking," the little hamlet of ****ing is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.

The town sign has been stolen seven times in the last few months. With signs costing several hundred dollars a piece, much of the tiny town's budget is being spent replacing the signs, says Siegfried Hoeppel, the Mayor of ****ing. He went on to express his hope that further thefts will be avoided through the use of increased concrete and . . . bigger screws.

See image attached.

 

[anthony]

Finally, a dumb male blonde joke. See attached image.

 

[anthony]

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.

 

[anthony]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing In the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

 

[piglet]

This one has been around our office this week. Thought I'd share it with you.

Guy takes his dog into the vets. Dog is not very well, but the guy can't work out what the problem is. The vet has a feel about, listens to the chest, gets the guy to walk his beloved pet up and down a bit and says "This might be serious. I'm going to have to run some tests". The vet leaves the room, leaving the door open.

Guy is waiting, biting his fingernails anxiously. Dog sits on the table. Suddenly, a cat runs in and jumps onto the table, looks the dog up and down, jumps off and runs out of the room again. This all happens so fast that the dog doesn't even have time to think "cat, chase, kill", so he just sits there looking confused, along with his owner.

Still the vet hasn't come back in, but the guy hears him chatting to someone out the back. There is a sound of footfalls in the corridor and in runs a striking looking black gundog. He stops and jumps up at the table and woofs a couple of times at the sick dog. The sick dog woofs quietly back and wags his tail, giving a brief sideways look at his owner. The gundog leaves.

The vet finally enters the room and says "Well. Your dog doesn't seem to have anything wrong with it after all. You're worrying about nothing. That'll be £250 please".

"WHAT!" shrieks the guy, shocked and outraged, "We've only been in here 5 minutes and you haven't even done anything apart from poke around and listen to his chest!"

The vet looks offended and replies "What do you mean? You're dog had a CAT scan and Lab tests. These things cost money you know. Do you have insurance?"

 

[Nam]

I've worked in a nusring home and found that residents have a wonderful, (interesting) sense of humor. They are quite crude at times and this picture reminded me of an old man I used to care for. I also like Dr. Suess, so of course I like it!:smile:

 

[doobie]

CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION

oneday in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls ou to God...
'Lord i have a problem"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"i know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but i'm just not happy..
"And why is that Eve"
"Lord i am lonely and i'm sick to death of apples."
"Well eve in that case, i have a soution. i shall create a man for you."
"Man! what is that?'
"A flawed creature, with namy bad traits he'll lie cheat and be vain: all in all , hel'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, BUT since you've been complaining, i'll create him in such away that he will satisfy your physicl needs. he will be witless and will revel in childish things like
fighting and kicking a ball about...AHe won't be to smart so he will also need Your advice to think properly".

"sounds great," says eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord"
"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
"and whats that lord"
"as i sain he'll be prooud, arrogant and self-admiring....so you'll have to let him believe that i made him first....
and it will have to be our little secret
woman to woman...

so see woman are easily satisfied
gotta love ya

 

[anthony]

Are yes Dobbie... that cracks me up. I read that years ago, and it still cracks me up as much today as it did then. Thanks for that...

 

[carpediem2006]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon, arching
his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.The
Italian, nodding agreement, and says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion... With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, That is true, but... it was the Italians who
introduced it to women."