List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Scott_Fraser]

There was a Great British Comedian called Spike Milligan. And when he died he had this written on his gravestone:-
I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL:doh:

 

[Deleted member 93]

Texan moves North

I thought this was fitting for me right about now. Found a couple versions :brrr:

version 1
A Texan Moves North



January 10



It's 5:00PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered run and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.



January 11



We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. later a snow plow came along and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.



January 12



It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp has dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped in the snow. I shoeveled the drive again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came again. Now the now is a brownish-grey.



January 13



It warmed enought today to cause slush which froze again when the temp dropped. Bought snow tired for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 to a chiropractor. Northing broken. More snow.



January 14



Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyways, considerable damage. Another 8 inches of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling for me. The goddam snowplow came twice today.



January 15



It's 2 ****ing degrees outside. More ****ing snow. Not a tree on our property hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the ****ing house down. Managed to put ou tthe flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and totalled it.



January 16



More mother****ing goddam white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that ****ing snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till I shovel. Power still off. Roof has started to cave in.



January 17



Six more ****ing inches of ****ing white shite and ****ing sleet and no tellin' what the **** else fell last night. I wounded the ****ing snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. The car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't feel my ****ing toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit forecast. Wind chill is 22 below. I'm moving my ass back to Texas.



version 2

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I'm so glad we moved here. I love the snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.


December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.


December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Shit I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cavein. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that bastard think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.


December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[GR-ass]

LMAO That's funny

(And wtf is with having to have at least ten characters????)

 

[becvan]

Canadian Phone Personell..

Mujibar was trying to get a job.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works for the Government of Canada.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

 

[Marlene]

To preface these jokes, I will admit I was born a blonde...to which my darling husband says that explains so much. LOL

******************************************
BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and say "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?????"


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show
me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

 

[Scott_Fraser]

Man in posh restaurant asks the waiter. "Do you have Frogs Legs". No replied the Waiter, Its just the way that I walk.:crazy:
Scott:loopy:

 

[Marlene]

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna be in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?". Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"

 

[anthony]

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

 

[Deleted member 93]

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

LMAO why do I think too many men here just got bright ideas to piss off their wives???

 

[anthony]

Oh... correct, because I took notice of this when my brother sent it to me.

 

[Scott_Fraser]

Good Evening, here is the news

Good Evening this is The Scottish Broadcasting Corporation with todays news.

Crime.
A woman in Charlestown West Virginia was found dead beside a packet of Cornflakes. The Police are now looking for a Cereal Killer.
Toronto Canada. A man walked into a Pharmacy and stole 10 boxes of Laxatives. Police are hunting a man who has an urgent need to go to the toilet.
In Canberra Australia there was a road accident on the City By-pass as an articulated lorry carrying 25 tonnes of eggs crashed. Police are now treading on Egg Shells trying to look for clues.

General news.
At an award ceremony in Manchester, England, for the best Waitress. The top award went to a Miss Wun Hung Lo, of Coventry who was a Chinese Topless Waitress with one breast.

Bosses at Mick's Conservatory Building Company, awarded a Mr John Wally as Salesman of the year after he sold a Conservatory to a woman living on the 18th floor of a block of flats.

In Hobart, Tasmania. A man was removed by security guards from an Opticians after making a complete spectacle of himself.

In Ironknob, Ontario, Canadian Mountie Cyrrl Plonker was divorced by his wife after taking his horse into bed with him.

Sport
Cricket. In the 2nd test at Lords, England were bowled out by Australia after they bowled out the entire England team. England Captain Jimmy Lostit, said it was a bad result and told his team mates to get a grip of themselves. This caused a lot of pain in the dressing room as team members were gripping parts that they shouldn't have.

Thank you for watching, and Goodnight.:rofl: :crazy:

 

[cookie]

want to laugh?

better go to the bathroom first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w