List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Rivergirl]

(I haven't read through all the pages so forgive me if someone has already posted this. It's from a magnet on my fridge.)

The 5 Steps to Happiness:

1) Find a man who loves housework.

2) Find a man who makes you laugh.

3) Find a man who has a great job.

4) Find a man who's a great lover.

5) Make sure that none of these men meet each other!


Rivergirl :wink:

 

[rallynut78]

(I haven't read through all the pages so forgive me if someone has already posted this. It's from a magnet on my fridge.)

The 5 Steps to Happiness:

1) Find a man who loves housework.

2) Find a man who makes you laugh.

3) Find a man who has a great job.

4) Find a man who's a great lover.

5) Make sure that none of these men meet each other!




Rivergirl :wink:

Isn't that the problem, all of those guys have boyfriends :wink:

 

[rallynut78]

My wife was listening to NPR (national public radio) the other day and relayed this funny story.

It seems a restaurant owner near the Olympics in Beijing wanted to draw more English speaking clientèle so he typed the name of his restaurant into an on line translation program. then sent the result off to a sign maker.

when it came back, patrons were confused. why did you name your restaurant "Translator Server Error"?:rofl:

 

[Nicolette]

Fabulous 40

For all those ladies over 40
THIS IS PRICELESS!

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:


60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

 

[rallynut78]

My favorite kind of joke is the pun. the ultimate is to slip in a pun in conversation but I have a ton of ready made joke puns too.

like the one about the two bull weveals who grew up together on a cotton farm. then one moved to Hollywood and ended up becoming famous. the other just stayed on the farm and never amounted to much. He was the lesser of two weveals.

or

how do they circumsize a wale? send down 4 skin divers.


So receantly I entered a "pun contest" in the local news paper. I thought for days and finaly came up with my top ten puns and sent them in sure that at least one would get the grand prize. but

No Pun in ten did!:dontknow:

:crazy:

 

[2quilt]

Rally,
Have you ever been to the O. Henry Pun-off held in Austin, TX every May? I used to live there, so we went yearly, and I went there this year too, even though I have left Texas. You would have a blast. People go up on stage and try to out pun each other on a given subject (cities, states and countries, for example), then there's another section where people recite 2-3 minute monologues with as many puns as humanly possible (telling a story ala the song 'wet dream"). People work on the stuff all year, and some participants come from the other side of the world to compete.

 

[rallynut78]

Never heard of it. I'll have to check it out. in my family, punning was a highly respected art form.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.