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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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Deleted member 541
Murphys Other 15 Laws
1) Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3) He, who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
4) A day without sunshine is like, well night.
5) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6) Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
7) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8) The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime that you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right. There is a 90% probability that you will get it wrong.
9) It is said that if you line up all of thee cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10) If the show fits, get another one just like it.
11) The things that come to those that wait,may be the things left by those who got there first.
12) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13) Flashlight: A case for dead batteries.
14) The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15) When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1) Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3) He, who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
4) A day without sunshine is like, well night.
5) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6) Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
7) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8) The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime that you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right. There is a 90% probability that you will get it wrong.
9) It is said that if you line up all of thee cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10) If the show fits, get another one just like it.
11) The things that come to those that wait,may be the things left by those who got there first.
12) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13) Flashlight: A case for dead batteries.
14) The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15) When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Three Fishermen
OK, Bob Bill and Ted are having a few drinks opening night of pickerel season. They load up the boat with two 24s and a 66er of whiskey and off they go, out onto the fresh, spring-time lake right at midnight.
They're fishing for about an hour, drinking beers and washing them down with slugs of straight whiskey, when Bob turns to Bill and says, "I haven't even had a nibble in the last hour - how about you?"
Bill says, "nawp, nawp, not a thing over here either... Ted?"
"Jack shit... lets go over the other side of the lake and try our luck"
So Bob fires up the motor and takes off like a shot, B-lining it for the far side of the lake. They get about half way across, when they realize that Ted's not in the boat anymore.
"Holy shit-onna-stick, we lost Ted!!!"
So Bob cranks the boat around and heads back the way they came at full speed, Bill in the front of the boat sweeping the waves with a spot light. Finally, they spotted Ted about 100 yards ahead, waving his arms and yelling, "I can't swim!!"
Just as they got the boat up alongside him, Ted went under for the last time. "Oh, shit" says Bob as he strips off his shirt and pants, and dives into the icy lake. Bill hesitates a minute, then thinks, "Christ, we gotta save him". So he strips down and dives in after him.
They dive and come up, dive and come up, over and over, when suddenly Bill surfaces with a limp body in tow. Bob helps his friend wrestle it back into the boat, and they immediates begin CPR. "1-2-3, pump, 1-2-3, pump". They pump his chest, do the mouth to mouth just as they learned it on course together, but after eight minutes they both concede, their friend Ted is not coming back.
They slouch against the side of the boat, still in their soaking wet underwear, and pass the bottle back and forth between them. After a few moments of silence, Bob looks at Bill and says, "You know, I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but Christ Almighty, I never realized Ted had such bad breath - I mean, holy f**k!! That's disgusting!!!"
Bill nods, "I know what you mean... I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit, either!"
OK, Bob Bill and Ted are having a few drinks opening night of pickerel season. They load up the boat with two 24s and a 66er of whiskey and off they go, out onto the fresh, spring-time lake right at midnight.
They're fishing for about an hour, drinking beers and washing them down with slugs of straight whiskey, when Bob turns to Bill and says, "I haven't even had a nibble in the last hour - how about you?"
Bill says, "nawp, nawp, not a thing over here either... Ted?"
"Jack shit... lets go over the other side of the lake and try our luck"
So Bob fires up the motor and takes off like a shot, B-lining it for the far side of the lake. They get about half way across, when they realize that Ted's not in the boat anymore.
"Holy shit-onna-stick, we lost Ted!!!"
So Bob cranks the boat around and heads back the way they came at full speed, Bill in the front of the boat sweeping the waves with a spot light. Finally, they spotted Ted about 100 yards ahead, waving his arms and yelling, "I can't swim!!"
Just as they got the boat up alongside him, Ted went under for the last time. "Oh, shit" says Bob as he strips off his shirt and pants, and dives into the icy lake. Bill hesitates a minute, then thinks, "Christ, we gotta save him". So he strips down and dives in after him.
They dive and come up, dive and come up, over and over, when suddenly Bill surfaces with a limp body in tow. Bob helps his friend wrestle it back into the boat, and they immediates begin CPR. "1-2-3, pump, 1-2-3, pump". They pump his chest, do the mouth to mouth just as they learned it on course together, but after eight minutes they both concede, their friend Ted is not coming back.
They slouch against the side of the boat, still in their soaking wet underwear, and pass the bottle back and forth between them. After a few moments of silence, Bob looks at Bill and says, "You know, I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but Christ Almighty, I never realized Ted had such bad breath - I mean, holy f**k!! That's disgusting!!!"
Bill nods, "I know what you mean... I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit, either!"
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the US Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "bug how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog."
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the US Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "bug how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog."
blue_eyed_angel
Gold Member
I read the thread that nic made about this video being controversy or whatever. So I decided to watch it.
And OMG I just about fell out of my chair laughing!!!! :rofl:
I thought that is was too funny!!
Thanks for sharing Anthony.
D
Deleted member 541
Stress
The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.....
The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.....
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a ***** sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a ***** sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Nine Words Women Use
TO THE MEN: A warning about the arguments you can avoid if you just remember the terminology.
TO THE WOMEN: Okay...We'll have to admit...We've used each and every one of these. The definitions are really very spot-on! Right?
:Hug_emoticon:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
:Hug_emoticon:
Robyn
TO THE MEN: A warning about the arguments you can avoid if you just remember the terminology.
TO THE WOMEN: Okay...We'll have to admit...We've used each and every one of these. The definitions are really very spot-on! Right?
:Hug_emoticon:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
:Hug_emoticon:
Robyn
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
D
Deleted member 1606
Joke for Depressives
I wanted to join a Nihilist's club, but I doubt any exist.
I wanted to join a Nihilist's club, but I doubt any exist.
mistralwind
New Here
This joke is so intelligently stupid it still has me roaring!
Two buddies were walking along opposite sides of a narrow white water river. One yelled to the other: "Hey Jack! How can i get on the other side?" Jack yells back: "You are on the other side Gilles!" LMAO
Two buddies were walking along opposite sides of a narrow white water river. One yelled to the other: "Hey Jack! How can i get on the other side?" Jack yells back: "You are on the other side Gilles!" LMAO
- Moderator
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Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Male or Female?
This came with pictures but won't work here.........
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
This came with pictures but won't work here.........
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
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