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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they use d for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot... Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .

The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses in Ottawa and Washington are controlling everything else!!!
 
If the global crisis continues at the present rate fuelled by greed,
the end of this year only two banks will be left operational...
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And don't you just know that when these two banks merge
it would still be full of bloody wankers.
 
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Again I really think this thread should carry a warning!!!

I didn't manage to get past this one before I felt the need to comment.... lmao
thankyou :rofl:

have to finish reading I know- but just thankyou for this one line right now, from me -I laughed right outloud -brilliant

Kaydee that was pricelss also...I cant help it today, its just really very funny -thankyou


Thankyou Dave I just got finished reading you again. You ar priceless and almost a little divine!! Brilliant, I love this thread so much...soo funny.
 
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood
Pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
Intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on Five
vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there
for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and
then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then Remained
stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he
pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The
Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.

The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police
station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
 
Stop Choking - Aussie Style....

A women sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough!....After a few seconds it became apparant that she was in real distress, and two locals Bluey and Bazza turned and looked at her.......

'ken ya swaller?'asked Bluey....The woman signalled 'No'..,desperately shaking her head...'Ken ya breathe?asked Bazza...The women shook her head 'No'....With that,Bluey walked up behind her,lifted up the back of her dress,yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.......:eek:this shocked the women into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out her mouth and she began to breathe again!

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer:occasion:...Bazza said in admiration"Ya know Bluey,i'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre,but thats the first time i seen somebody do it!!:thumbs-up
 
why did the chicken cross the road

Subject: FW: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Great chuckles!!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me..

DR PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
 
tardis will get this joke..or dr who fans.........why did the darlecks cross the rd......to exterminate the chickens.....lol..........

ok lame.....no more chickens jokes i promise..
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck IN the chicken

Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic , you use just a feather. Kinky, you use the whole bird.


Why does a dog lick Himself?
Because he can

Why does a dog lick Himself? (yes I asked the same question twice)
Because he cant make a little fist
 
an animal theme ?

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: 'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'.

This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: 'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'. This was too much for the bishop, So he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

'NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'.

The bishop was buried the next day.... The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ....and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life..... Only worry about your own ASS not someone else's..... You'll be a lot happier and live longer.

:crazy::crazy::smile::smile:
 
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