List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[JohnnyM53]

An electrician and his wife were business partners.

One night he came home at three in the morning from a night out with his buddies.

He tried everything he could not to wake up his dear wife.

As he entered the bedroom, his wife said:

Wife: Wire insulate?

Hubby: Watts it to you. I'm ohm ain't I!

 

[amethist]

The Legend Behind The Fairy On Your Christmas Tree.

Many, many years ago when Santa first set up his home in the North Pole, he decided that there should be Christmas trees every where.

Every one had a job to do except for one tiny, tiny fairy. Santa gave this tiny fairy a special job, she would be the one to find and decorate Santa's tree in his office.

Away went the fairy, to find the best tree ever for Santa.

A few hours later, back she came with a beautiful tree she found deep in the forest. She was so exited to be asked to do this, she knew she had to put it in exactly the right place. Rather than get it wrong, and being a considerate fairy she asked Santa where he would like his tree putting.

"I will think about it, I'm too busy now, come back later" said Santa. The poor fairy was a bit upset by this, but did as she was told and went away for a while.

A few hours later back she went hoping now she could start decorating the tree, but again Santa was too busy to tell her where he wanted his tree.

This happened many time throughout that day, and the poor fairy was getting tired and fed up of waiting.

This time when she went in to ask Santa where he would like his tree putting, she shouted very loudly and stamped her tiny foot, to make sure Santa listened to her question.

On hearing her and still being very busy, Santa turned to the fairy and shouted back.

" Oh for goodness sake go stuff it up your A**e".

And this is why we have a fairy on our Christmas tree.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

An Obituary printed in the London Times

Interesting and sadly rather true.....................

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Nicolette,

So very true, the world and it's people have no common sense left.....

 

[amethist]

A NEW YEAR HAS TO HAVE NEW YEAR JOKES

On New Years Eve, Daniel was in no state to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing here at 4 o'clock in the morning?", asked the police officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture", replied Daniel.

"And who on earth, in their right mind is going to give a lecture at this time on New years Eve", enquired the officer.

"My wife", slurred Daniel grimly.

 

[kimmy]

What is a nurse's definition of fine dining?
Getting to sit down to eat!

 

[MarkHutt]

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."
Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."
While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. HEE AAWW... HEEE AAAWWWWW, he always calls me that.'"


Happy New Year!:smile:

 

[Gloria]

All Kinds Of Sex

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife--Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . . . killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex . . . he could fly.

 

[maria]

Last one is the best IMO. Thanks for making me laugh Anthony.

BTW I have a son named Anthony. He's smart and handsome.

maria

 

[bonnecanyon]

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Gloria - Thanks for the laughs! Love this one.
BC

 

[Nicolette]

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater, give her sperm she will make a baby, give her a house she will give you a home, give her groceries she will give you a meal, give her a smile she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit...

 

[BioHazard]

A firefighter was outside the station washing his fire truck. He noticed the little girl who lived next to the station playing in the yard. She had a wagon tied to her dog's collar and her cat's testicles. There was a small ladder hung on one side of the wagon and two garden hoses looped on the other. She was wearing a rain slicker and a fireman's hat.

The fire fighter called out to her " That's a nice rig you have there, little lady!" to which she replied "Thank you"

He called back " I'm not trying to tell you how to run your fire station, but you'd probably get better results if you tied that string to the cat's collar, instead of his testicles"

She thought about it for a moment, then replied " It might go faster, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"