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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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I kid you not....
New Wine for Seniors
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California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as
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PINO MORE
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I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.
 
One for the Americans:

A man was standing in line at the pearly gates. While he was waiting, he noticed a large wall covered in clocks. When it was his turn with St. Peter, he asked, "What's with all the clocks?"
"Ah, those are the lie clocks," St. Peter said, "Each clock belongs to a particular person, and every time they tell a lie, the hands move. See- this is St. Teresa's clock. The hands have never moved. And this clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln. The hands have only moved twice."
The man looked around curiously. "Where is President Obama's clock?" he asked.
"It's in Jesus's office," St. Pete replied, "He's using it as a fan."

I think one of the things I like about this joke is the idea of Jesus having an office. What would he keep on his desk?


A few clean jokes:


Why did the possum cross the road? .......................... because he had a death wish.

Why did the chicken cross the road? .......................... To show the possum it could be done.

Why did the gorilla cross the road? ................................ because he was stapled to the chicken.
These next two fall into the category of jokes that I always laugh at, even though I'm not sure why I think they are funny.

What do you get when you cross an ink pen with a banana?



A ball point banana. (Of course!)


Why do Elephants always swim on their backs?


To keep their sunglasses dry. (Now you know.)

The benefit of having a small brain is that you're easily amused!
 
IMPORTANT MESSAGE
You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves...

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again
��

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to Me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
Look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX
- This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!


PS. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband...

I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.
Always remember to Laugh!! (it helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!)

PPS. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes!
How do they do that????
 
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?
Or if I asked for some black beans, would you ask if I was black?”

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 
A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.






He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I i catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.
 
Wit of the Scots

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I have heard, that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
 
12 Steps of Insanity

1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing - that we could manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone who would let us.

2. Came to believe that there was no Power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane.

3. Made a decision to have our loved ones turn their wills and their lives over to our care even though they could not understand us at all.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of every one we knew.

5. Admitted to the world the exact nature of everyone else's wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to make others give us the respect we so rightfully deserved.

7. Demanded that others to do our will because we were always right.

8. Made a list of all persons who had harmed us, and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them.

9. Got direct revenge on such people wherever possible, except when to do so would cost us our lives or at the very least a jail sentence.

10. Continued to take inventory of others and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

11. Sought through complaining and medication to improve our relations with others as we would not understand them at all, asking only that they do things our way.

12. Having had a complete physical, emotional, and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we blamed it on others and tried to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.
 
A penguin on holiday was driving through Arizona in the summer. His car broke down on the highway, oil streaming underneath. He had it towed to the nearest garage. The mechanic told him it would take a few hours and suggested he visit their quaint little town.

The penguin got very hot as he strolled through the village. Spying an icecream stand, he paused for a big bowl. Being a penguin, he joyfully ate with his flippers making a lovely mess.

Happily cooled he made his way back to the mechanic's shop. He sauntered in and said "Hey, how's it going?"

The mechanic looked up from the opened hood with a slight frown. "It looks like you've blown a seal."

Horrified, the penguin threw up his flippers and said "NO NO NO, it's icecream!!"
 
FRIENDS ARE LIKE KNICKERS

Some Crawl Up Your Arse...Some Snap Under Pressure

Some Don't Have The Strength To Hold You Up.. Some Get A Little Sideways


Some Are Your Favorite ... Some Are Cheap And Plain Nasty


AND SOME ACTUALLY DO COVER YOUR ARSE WHEN U NEED THEM TO!

Send To All Your Best Nickers XXX
 
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