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- #565
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Very funny Wendy.
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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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On the Way to the Wedding
On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they still get married in heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.. Let me go find out," and he went back inside.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?!?"
On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they still get married in heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.. Let me go find out," and he went back inside.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?!?"
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
Little Johnny Jokes
Just when you thought you'd heard them all...
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f**ing beautiful!!'"
=====================================================
Definitely
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are red and yellow and brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
=====================================================
Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
One day, Little Johnnywas playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around his head, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in a rage. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, thought about it for a moment and said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny happened upon some butterflies. He was bored, and still a little miffed about the no honey rule, so soon started catching them and crushing them between his palms. His father caught him again, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Later that day, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and shrieked when she saw cockroaches scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny turned to his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, or should I?"
=====================================================
God's Handles
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back, with its legs sticking up in the air.
When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking up in the air. Why are his legs sticking up in the air?"
Thinking quickly, his father said, "Well son, those are God's handles. That way, God can reach down from the clouds and lift our poor departed rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when his Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" asked his father.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom, and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Sweet Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming!!!"
If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"
=====================================================
The Moral of the Story
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was, and asked for volunteers.
Little Suzie raises her hand. "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs. We were all excited to have 12 more chickens, but only 6 of them hatched."
Teacher: "That's a good story, Suzie. Now what is the moral?"
Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
Ralphie pipes up: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day, and I crashed my bike and all the eggs got broken."
Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"
Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
Little Johnny: "Yes teacher. My Aunt Karen was in the Gulf War, and she parachuted into enemy territory alone with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis dead, killed ten more of them with her knife, and then strangled the last 15 with her bare hands!!"
Looking shocked, the teacher asked, "Very interesting, Johnny... but what is the moral to your story?"
To which Little Johnny says, "Don't f**k with Aunt Karen when she's drunk!!"
Just when you thought you'd heard them all...
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f**ing beautiful!!'"
=====================================================
Definitely
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are red and yellow and brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
=====================================================
Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
One day, Little Johnnywas playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around his head, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in a rage. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, thought about it for a moment and said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny happened upon some butterflies. He was bored, and still a little miffed about the no honey rule, so soon started catching them and crushing them between his palms. His father caught him again, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Later that day, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and shrieked when she saw cockroaches scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny turned to his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, or should I?"
=====================================================
God's Handles
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back, with its legs sticking up in the air.
When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking up in the air. Why are his legs sticking up in the air?"
Thinking quickly, his father said, "Well son, those are God's handles. That way, God can reach down from the clouds and lift our poor departed rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when his Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" asked his father.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom, and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Sweet Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming!!!"
If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"
=====================================================
The Moral of the Story
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was, and asked for volunteers.
Little Suzie raises her hand. "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs. We were all excited to have 12 more chickens, but only 6 of them hatched."
Teacher: "That's a good story, Suzie. Now what is the moral?"
Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
Ralphie pipes up: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day, and I crashed my bike and all the eggs got broken."
Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"
Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
Little Johnny: "Yes teacher. My Aunt Karen was in the Gulf War, and she parachuted into enemy territory alone with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis dead, killed ten more of them with her knife, and then strangled the last 15 with her bare hands!!"
Looking shocked, the teacher asked, "Very interesting, Johnny... but what is the moral to your story?"
To which Little Johnny says, "Don't f**k with Aunt Karen when she's drunk!!"
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payment to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payment to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
Women Drivers
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman in a brand new Mercedes doing 110 kms per hr with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds !
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs.
The coffee splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.
Bloody women drivers!! :thumbs-up
Jimmy
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman in a brand new Mercedes doing 110 kms per hr with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds !
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs.
The coffee splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.
Bloody women drivers!! :thumbs-up
Jimmy
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a
man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, " Don 't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,
hops another ten feet,turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a
man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, " Don 't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,
hops another ten feet,turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
- Moderator
- #573
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
How To Make A Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26... warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49 not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26... warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49 not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Unbelievably I fit I think 46 of those. The problem is that is not entirely true. I am speaking of course of what man want. Yes nakedness and beer work very well and will probably get you far into the relationship.
Now I am from Wisconsin and we like our women to be able to do a few things.
1. deer hunt
2. change oil on a car/ change a tire
3. watch the packer games without asking a million questions and know most of the team.
4. be able to clean fish / butcher a deer.
5. Be warm and fuzzy when it's cuddle time in the bedroom. (meaning fuzzy pj's) helps keep us guys warm at night.
6. And to end this I will say almost any woman that can cook will get a man. (men run on their stomachs and penis's and they are so close together if one is happy the other is content to wait it's turn.)
Now I am from Wisconsin and we like our women to be able to do a few things.
1. deer hunt
2. change oil on a car/ change a tire
3. watch the packer games without asking a million questions and know most of the team.
4. be able to clean fish / butcher a deer.
5. Be warm and fuzzy when it's cuddle time in the bedroom. (meaning fuzzy pj's) helps keep us guys warm at night.
6. And to end this I will say almost any woman that can cook will get a man. (men run on their stomachs and penis's and they are so close together if one is happy the other is content to wait it's turn.)
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