Red Feather
Diamond Member
I saw it too. Made me laugh!
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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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cherryblossom
VIP Member
Football
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
And that is the subset of students who actually completed their education to this point AND can read and write... As such, these aren't even the worst of the worst, these are in the middle of the bell curve. Idiots and cretins make average people look GOOD
D
Deleted member 12723
Good story Cherryblossom.
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds.
1. Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2. Strike while
the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest
before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but
how?
6. Don't bite the hand
that looks dirty.
7. No news is
impossible.
8. A miss is as good as
a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog
new math.
10. If you lie down with dogs,
you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust
me.
12. The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13. An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke
there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride
who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is
not much.
17. Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than
pregnant.
1. Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2. Strike while
the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest
before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but
how?
6. Don't bite the hand
that looks dirty.
7. No news is
impossible.
8. A miss is as good as
a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog
new math.
10. If you lie down with dogs,
you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust
me.
12. The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13. An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke
there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride
who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is
not much.
17. Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than
pregnant.
KP the nut
VIP Member
I love the better late than pregnant.
I like this one
amethist
VIP Member
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE GIRL!......
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
..The first man married a Greek girl
. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
.The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, ...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
..The first man married a Greek girl
. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
.The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, ...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
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