List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Jenfa]

I really don't even know if I can tell this one.. but when I heard my sister tell it to a horrified 22 yr old bartender one night, I ...just.. cant.... help;.... it...

In a small village in Japan, a newlywed couple walk through the threshold of their new home. In this traditional culture, it is customary to consummate the marriage immediately, and begin life together. They walk in, and instantly begin tearing off clothes and flinging them all over the room, making a huge mess. Time goes by, and once they are finished, they realize the mess they have made.

Upon viewing the mess, the husband looks to his wife to begin her duties as a married woman and clean up. For his approval and chance to prove that he made the right choice in marrying her, she jumps right up from the bed and bends over to pick up his socks. As she does so, she accidentally allows herself to fart, which in Japanese culture, is considered to not only be extremely rude but even more so by a woman. As the last of the fart leaves her, a horrified look comes upon her face, knowing the caliber of what she had just done. Slowly she raises her head and reluctantly looks to her husband as he lay on the bed, in a state of such shock that all he can say is, "Why? Why, woman, why??".

She mutters up a nervous smile, and replies,"....Front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud?....".

 

[Red Feather]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has really got to want to change. ;D

 

[amethist]

An exhausted-looking blond drags herself to the doctor’s office.

“Doctor, there are loads of dogs on my street. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep,” she says.

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answers, “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.“

“Great,” the blond says, “I’ll try anything.“

A few weeks later the blond returns, looking worse than ever.

“Doctor, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!” she complains.

“I don’t understand how that can be“, says the doctor, shaking his head, “Those are the strongest pills on the market!“

“That may be true,” answers the blond wearily, “But I’m still up all night chasing those dogs, and when I finally catch one it’s hard making him swallow the pill.“

 

[Whitneys story]

@amethist Rolling on the floor laughing! Just goes to show how so many Dr's are practicing. :wacky: Whitney

 

[Changing4Best]

I was blond for awhile.... I swear, when I was, I started acting like a stereotypical blond and so I went back to my usual color.

 

[Whitneys story]

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy??

I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

[Whitneys story]

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!

-- Mere wealth can't buy us happiness;

Mere wealth can't make us glad;

But we'll always take a chance, I guess,

At being rich and sad.

C.C.Colton

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Knock knock

 

[cherryblossom]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[amethist]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

[cherryblossom]

Torts and Retorts

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed
and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a
laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt
embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Funny joke from the TV Home Improvement:

If a man holds up a stop sign, he means "Hey, stop there!" and if a woman holds up a stop sign...if she designed this, it'd say: "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."