List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[p-no]

Didn't dare post this in the "Our Pets" thread :D

Came across this years and years ago but just remembered and thought I'd share.
Happy laughing (hopefully)! :happy:


How To Administer A Pill To Your Cat

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the dang thing's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

[zaniara]

Oh.. :laugh::roflmao: Thanks for the laughter! I really needed it. It was only a slightly exaggerated version of what it was like to make my cat swallow a pill.. :laugh: I've always wondered who came up with the thought of birth-control PILLS for cats!

Then giving her a bath.. TRYING to! That was basicially the same thing but even worse! It took three people dressed to their teeth in protecting clothes, two holding and one trying to wash. And she always managed to wound us. :D And God knows how such a small animal can make such a loud and horrendous sound!

Once she managed to get lose and climb up on top on my mother's head.. It took two people to get her off! :D :laugh: She ALWAYS paid us back. Big time!

 

[Lucycat]

Then giving her a bath..

I have a cat who likes water! When we first got her as a tiny kitten from a farm, she was riddled with fleas. She was too young for all the conventional flea medication so I took the decision to bathe her instead. She loved it! ( possibly because it was comforting - it was amazing to see all the fleas floating away) Ever since she has chosen to sit in puddles!

I am pleased to say since we all moved to Scotland I have never seen another flea - it might be something to do with the cold weather?

 

[ISupportHer]

OMG this is a timely topic for us here. The cat was put on thyroid pills. The other night I was holding the cat as my wife tried to poke a pill down. The cat stared peeing all over the place as I held him. Luckily we were not on a carpeted floor. Now the cat is crapping in inappropriate places to get us back. In the tub, so we keep that bathroom closed. Then in our closet, so now we keep that closed.

Let it be known, a little known fact that thyroid problems CAN be a fatal illness!


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[p-no]

LOL :D

 

[Lucycat]

The cat was put on thyroid pills.

Oh, the little darling. What is it called? ( as I choke on my cornflakes:laugh:)

 

[Ruckster]

Having similar / dis-similar problems trying to put ear drops in 185 pound Saint Bernard! Much like wrestling a cow!

 

[StarChild]

Happy Rodeo! Hi @Ruckster , maybe a silly question, but did you already try to pre-warm the ear drops in warm water, before you instill them in your sweet little dogs ears?...:)

 

[ISupportHer]

Oh, the little darling. What is it called?

PJ, which means Pepper Junior, named after my Mother-in-law's cat, which had similar coloration.

We are keeping our fingers crossed tonight. The granddaughters are here for a sleep over so we need to keep the bathroom door open in the hall. The one with the bath tub. We have aluminum foil in the tub to make the surface unpleasant as a kittie potty.

 

[amethist]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

[DMerish]

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. That was my pager," the young woman said, "I have a micro-chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone began to ring and the second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a micro-chip in my hand."

The older woman felt very low-tech. She decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the restroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The two younger women raised their eyebrows and stared at the older one. Not to be outdone, the older woman finally said . . . .

"Well, will you look at that? I'm getting a fax!!! :eek: :p ;)

 

[KP the nut]

Hubby and I went to see a stand up comedian called Milton Jones. He was brilliant. Here are some of his one liner gems.

I told my long standing girlfriend to have a seat.

Do you ever look at the stars and imagine we are being invaded by invisible sheriffs.

The man who was in charge of our school had no legs, no arms and no body, - we called him 'the head'. The second in charge had no legs, no arms, no body and wore a sheriffs hat - we called him (audience shouts out deputy head) Milton replied, don.t be silly, we called him Mr Brown.

Hubby and I laughed so much that night.