List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[KP the nut]

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

 

[KP the nut]

Top 10 Dog Peeves About Humans



10. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

9. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

8. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

7. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

5. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

4. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

3. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

2. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

1. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here !!! you don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

 

[Anna]

Dark humour :wtf:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I read this one on the internet a while ago. Cracks me up every time :')

There's a big U2 concert with a couple of thousand spectators. After a few great songs, Bono asks the crowd to be quiet. Upon achieving the aspired silence, he stands before his microphone and starts to slowly clap his hands - clapping once about every second.
Then he speaks to the quiet crowd: "Every time I clap my hands, somewhere in the world, a person dies". He continues his slow-clap for another few seconds, his audience quiet and in awe.

Then suddenly the silence is broken, by a man with a strong Scottish accent: "Well fockin' stop doin' it then, ya evil bastard!"

 

[p-no]

· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

@KP the nut Thank you for these (and especially the one above) - I'm down in tears. :D

 

[Trekker]

Washing Machine

A recently married couple arriving in the U.S. for the first time. Trying to learn English they have mixed up the words "washing machine" with "sex".

Couple in bed.

Husband turns over and whispers, "wife, wife, washing machine, washing machine".

Wife says "not tonight dear I have a headache".

Husband turns over.

Wife is thinking, "Ah my dear husband he works so hard and brings me to this new country, maybe I should give him a little washing machine".

Wife turns over and says "husband, husband, washing machine, washing machine".

Husband says, "that's OK dear it was a small load, I did it by hand".

 

[KP the nut]

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

 

[cherryblossom]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?".
"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh s##t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f####ing Coco Pops."

 

[amethist]

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings."

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

 

[Tanishq]

@amethist my goodness! Brilliant idiot that means! :laugh: :roflmao: :hilarious:

 

[Underdog]

I was surfing FaceBook and saw this post in relation to depression, but I thought it fit well for sufferers of PTSD as well. Plus, it made me laugh so I wanted to share it.

"When people tell someone who is clinically depressed to "get over it", it makes me want to break their legs with a baseball bat and tell them to "walk it off."

Hope that brought a smile to at least one person's face as it did mine!

 

[shimmerz]

lol. lol. lol. Love the visual this brings up. Thanks Underdog! :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: