D
Deleted member 20280
Many members on this forum have met my younger self, Little_Laurie, the young part of me rescued by intensive and indepth inner child therapy, this thread is posted so I can explain why he is so important to me and also to confess how I Mr Laurie destoyed that little boys dreams.
At the age of 5 yrs he awoke by jumping out of bed his heart pounding, literally beating out of his little chest, the grin on his face was huge, That day was to be the first really special day in little_lauries life, the biggest day of his life. That day was to be a turning point, the most important turning point in his life and the proudest day in both his and his fathers lives.
You see little_laurie had a hobby, not a normal little boy's hobby, little_laurie you see did not want to run with the boys, he wanted to Dance with the girls, he wanted to be a Ballet Dancer and that day he was to realise a dream he had been having ever since he started his Ballet lessons when he was only three years old, that day Little_Laurie was to take to the stage in his first ever Dance Recital, not only was he to grace that stage, he was to be the very first little boy to grace that stage in the whole area, for he was just that, the first boy to ever dance in the area he grew up in.
He could not contain his excitement, his Daddy had taken him to the concert hall in the local convent, they were met by Miss Anne the Ballet School teacher, his teacher, his proud dance teacher, her smile, that smile was for little_laurie, her little boy dancer, she was to be the first dance teacher to have a little boy dance for her.
That day was to be the proudest day of all their lives, Miss Anne was to realise a dream that she had a boy in her dance school, His Daddy was to watch his little boy take to the stage with all the girls, the only boy ever to get up on that stage that so many dance recitals had been performed on, and then there was one more person to realise a dream, Little_Laurie had wanted only one thing for two years, he had dreamt of this day so many nights, he had seen himself in his dreams dancing and gliding across that stage, him Little_Laurie dancing for all the Ladies and Gentlemen, him, and that day it became a reality for him.
He stood in front of that full length mirror, his Daddy gently tying off the laces atop his ballet slippers, his First proper pair of Ballet Slippers, shiney black ones, brand new, the first time Little_laurie had put them on,
Little_Laurie stood in front of that mirror and saw for the first time what a real ballet dancer looked like and it was him, Little Laurie really was going to dance for all the people that day, him, this was his dream come true.
Looking himself up and down in the mirror, his sequin covered Tunic glistening and glinting in the sun light, the sequins sparkling like little stars all over it, his neatly ironed black Ballet tights and those shiney brand new Ballet Slippers, the ones his Daddy had taken him to buy the week before, Brand new ones, not someone elses old ones like he wore for dance practice, no these were HIS and Little_Laurie cherished those Ballet Slippers,
Little Laurie looked himself up and down admiring himself in that mirror, his daddy with the proudest smile stood behind him, his daddy putting his arms around little-lauries shoulders hugging him gently and whispering to little_laurie,:-
"I am so happy today Laurence, you are going to shine today son and this is your day, go out there and dance and smile" and you know what, that is exactly what he did.
Little Laurie was to perform a very simple solo dance with the infants section of the ballet school, nothing fancy, no magnificent leaps or pirouettes, no he was only grade one and the steps were simple, easy to perform, the girls went on and did their part of that routine and then little_laurie was to come on and show all those people, all those mummys and daddys that it was not only girls that could dance, he, a boy could do it as well and he did just that, he skipped and glided across that stage, his simple ballet steps for all those people to see, he could see Miss Anne in the front row, and she was smiling a huge smile, that huge smile was for no one but him, that smile was just his, Miss Anne was smiling for Little_Laurie, he finished his little dance and everyone clapped for him, everyone!, His Daddy sat next to Miss Anne, a tear of pride in his Daddy's eye and that tear was for him, little-lauries heart was fluttering and beating so fast he could feel it pumping in his chest.
Over the next eleven years little_laurie continued to train with those girls from that class, he was to take a 2 hours set lesson every night after school and then a 4 hour private lesson with Miss Anne on a Saturday morning. He took all his gradings and passed all of them bar one with high grade Honours, dropping only one grade (3 marks) to a Highly Commended when he was 13 years old, he still went out and graded that day even though he had only the week before recovered from Glandular Fever, Miss Anne had advised him to wait but little-laurie had begged her to let him grade, he did not want to let her down, Miss Anne was delighted when he graded like he did, that great big smile again, the one she had given little_laurie that day he danced for her the first time.
Three years later he was to dance a set piece from Swan Lake for Miss Anne, Training was to start at 2pm and continue until 6pm. He was walking towards the Dance School when his friends from school stopped him, they were a boy short for five aside football in the park, they wanted him to make up the numbers, he said no as he had to get to the Dance School for rehearsals, they begged and begged and he agreed, he would only be half an hour late for practice, he could take a mild telling off for being late and he would still have enough time to get all his practice in.
So there he was in the park, running to kick the ball to goal, What happened then was to effect and change the course of hi entire life, there was a gut wrenching, sickening SNAP, He had stepped into a hole in the pitch, twisted his hips and snapped his ankle, The Ambulance came approx ten minutes later, his ankel clearly broken, tears streaming down his sixteen year old face, seeing his father arrive at the park his father clearly concerned for his son, the journey to the Hospital he sobbed and sobbed his heart out, because he knew, that 16 year old boy knew right at the moment he twisted what this meant.
He was due to scholar to White Lodge three weeks later, WHITE LODGE, the junior school of the Royal Ballet, the creme de la creme of all Ballet schools, the top flight of dance, Him, he was to go there, he was to train every day for a further 2 years and then, then he could join the troup itself, he was set to take to the stage all over the world, he was to make something of his life, he was set to be someone and not just a builder or a plumber, no, he was to be a Ballerino in the "Royal Ballet", he was to follow in the footsteps of his childhood Idol "Rudolph Neureyev", in his eyes the greatest male dancer ever to grace a dance stage.
That day proved fatal for his career, that was it, Career OVER.
Every since that day in Victoria Park I have regretted saying yes to Jamie and Gary, I have regretted not standing up for myself and letting them talk me into playing that stupid bloody game, I hated football. I loved to dance, Iived to dance, It was a passion I had all my life, I was beaten, abused, humiliated in school by both boys and girls alike my entire school life but nothing they ever did could stop me dancing, it was all I wanted and I had thrown it away in a moment, I (Mr Laurie) destroyed Little_Lauries Dream, I did that, no-one else, Me (Mr Laurie)
That day in the Summer of 1987 I took Little_Laurie's Dreams and I shattered them like the abusers who beat me and sexually assaulted me, I endured all that because I had my dream, I had my life mapped out the whole time.
Well that dream died that day in 1987.
Little_Laurie is crying beside me at this moment, he knows how much I am hurting at throwing his dreams away, a dream he had when he stood in front of that mirror, that moment was 39 years ago.
Thirty nine years ago today I was Little_Laurie aged 5, Mr Laurie stood in front of that mirror twirling himself from side to side with his father admiring him, admiring me in my tunic and tights, I was that little boy who had a dream that I held onto dearly,
That dream died and my life was shattered in a single moment , a single selfish moment when a five year old boys dream ended, when a fathers pride in his son (me) was to be destoyed,
Little_Laurie does not blame me, no he doesn't blame me and he forgives me, but I cannot forgive myself for what I did that day in 1987, I made that choice and I have regretted it every day since.
At the age of 5 yrs he awoke by jumping out of bed his heart pounding, literally beating out of his little chest, the grin on his face was huge, That day was to be the first really special day in little_lauries life, the biggest day of his life. That day was to be a turning point, the most important turning point in his life and the proudest day in both his and his fathers lives.
You see little_laurie had a hobby, not a normal little boy's hobby, little_laurie you see did not want to run with the boys, he wanted to Dance with the girls, he wanted to be a Ballet Dancer and that day he was to realise a dream he had been having ever since he started his Ballet lessons when he was only three years old, that day Little_Laurie was to take to the stage in his first ever Dance Recital, not only was he to grace that stage, he was to be the very first little boy to grace that stage in the whole area, for he was just that, the first boy to ever dance in the area he grew up in.
He could not contain his excitement, his Daddy had taken him to the concert hall in the local convent, they were met by Miss Anne the Ballet School teacher, his teacher, his proud dance teacher, her smile, that smile was for little_laurie, her little boy dancer, she was to be the first dance teacher to have a little boy dance for her.
That day was to be the proudest day of all their lives, Miss Anne was to realise a dream that she had a boy in her dance school, His Daddy was to watch his little boy take to the stage with all the girls, the only boy ever to get up on that stage that so many dance recitals had been performed on, and then there was one more person to realise a dream, Little_Laurie had wanted only one thing for two years, he had dreamt of this day so many nights, he had seen himself in his dreams dancing and gliding across that stage, him Little_Laurie dancing for all the Ladies and Gentlemen, him, and that day it became a reality for him.
He stood in front of that full length mirror, his Daddy gently tying off the laces atop his ballet slippers, his First proper pair of Ballet Slippers, shiney black ones, brand new, the first time Little_laurie had put them on,
Little_Laurie stood in front of that mirror and saw for the first time what a real ballet dancer looked like and it was him, Little Laurie really was going to dance for all the people that day, him, this was his dream come true.
Looking himself up and down in the mirror, his sequin covered Tunic glistening and glinting in the sun light, the sequins sparkling like little stars all over it, his neatly ironed black Ballet tights and those shiney brand new Ballet Slippers, the ones his Daddy had taken him to buy the week before, Brand new ones, not someone elses old ones like he wore for dance practice, no these were HIS and Little_Laurie cherished those Ballet Slippers,
Little Laurie looked himself up and down admiring himself in that mirror, his daddy with the proudest smile stood behind him, his daddy putting his arms around little-lauries shoulders hugging him gently and whispering to little_laurie,:-
"I am so happy today Laurence, you are going to shine today son and this is your day, go out there and dance and smile" and you know what, that is exactly what he did.
Little Laurie was to perform a very simple solo dance with the infants section of the ballet school, nothing fancy, no magnificent leaps or pirouettes, no he was only grade one and the steps were simple, easy to perform, the girls went on and did their part of that routine and then little_laurie was to come on and show all those people, all those mummys and daddys that it was not only girls that could dance, he, a boy could do it as well and he did just that, he skipped and glided across that stage, his simple ballet steps for all those people to see, he could see Miss Anne in the front row, and she was smiling a huge smile, that huge smile was for no one but him, that smile was just his, Miss Anne was smiling for Little_Laurie, he finished his little dance and everyone clapped for him, everyone!, His Daddy sat next to Miss Anne, a tear of pride in his Daddy's eye and that tear was for him, little-lauries heart was fluttering and beating so fast he could feel it pumping in his chest.
Over the next eleven years little_laurie continued to train with those girls from that class, he was to take a 2 hours set lesson every night after school and then a 4 hour private lesson with Miss Anne on a Saturday morning. He took all his gradings and passed all of them bar one with high grade Honours, dropping only one grade (3 marks) to a Highly Commended when he was 13 years old, he still went out and graded that day even though he had only the week before recovered from Glandular Fever, Miss Anne had advised him to wait but little-laurie had begged her to let him grade, he did not want to let her down, Miss Anne was delighted when he graded like he did, that great big smile again, the one she had given little_laurie that day he danced for her the first time.
Three years later he was to dance a set piece from Swan Lake for Miss Anne, Training was to start at 2pm and continue until 6pm. He was walking towards the Dance School when his friends from school stopped him, they were a boy short for five aside football in the park, they wanted him to make up the numbers, he said no as he had to get to the Dance School for rehearsals, they begged and begged and he agreed, he would only be half an hour late for practice, he could take a mild telling off for being late and he would still have enough time to get all his practice in.
So there he was in the park, running to kick the ball to goal, What happened then was to effect and change the course of hi entire life, there was a gut wrenching, sickening SNAP, He had stepped into a hole in the pitch, twisted his hips and snapped his ankle, The Ambulance came approx ten minutes later, his ankel clearly broken, tears streaming down his sixteen year old face, seeing his father arrive at the park his father clearly concerned for his son, the journey to the Hospital he sobbed and sobbed his heart out, because he knew, that 16 year old boy knew right at the moment he twisted what this meant.
He was due to scholar to White Lodge three weeks later, WHITE LODGE, the junior school of the Royal Ballet, the creme de la creme of all Ballet schools, the top flight of dance, Him, he was to go there, he was to train every day for a further 2 years and then, then he could join the troup itself, he was set to take to the stage all over the world, he was to make something of his life, he was set to be someone and not just a builder or a plumber, no, he was to be a Ballerino in the "Royal Ballet", he was to follow in the footsteps of his childhood Idol "Rudolph Neureyev", in his eyes the greatest male dancer ever to grace a dance stage.
That day proved fatal for his career, that was it, Career OVER.
Every since that day in Victoria Park I have regretted saying yes to Jamie and Gary, I have regretted not standing up for myself and letting them talk me into playing that stupid bloody game, I hated football. I loved to dance, Iived to dance, It was a passion I had all my life, I was beaten, abused, humiliated in school by both boys and girls alike my entire school life but nothing they ever did could stop me dancing, it was all I wanted and I had thrown it away in a moment, I (Mr Laurie) destroyed Little_Lauries Dream, I did that, no-one else, Me (Mr Laurie)
That day in the Summer of 1987 I took Little_Laurie's Dreams and I shattered them like the abusers who beat me and sexually assaulted me, I endured all that because I had my dream, I had my life mapped out the whole time.
Well that dream died that day in 1987.
Little_Laurie is crying beside me at this moment, he knows how much I am hurting at throwing his dreams away, a dream he had when he stood in front of that mirror, that moment was 39 years ago.
Thirty nine years ago today I was Little_Laurie aged 5, Mr Laurie stood in front of that mirror twirling himself from side to side with his father admiring him, admiring me in my tunic and tights, I was that little boy who had a dream that I held onto dearly,
That dream died and my life was shattered in a single moment , a single selfish moment when a five year old boys dream ended, when a fathers pride in his son (me) was to be destoyed,
Little_Laurie does not blame me, no he doesn't blame me and he forgives me, but I cannot forgive myself for what I did that day in 1987, I made that choice and I have regretted it every day since.
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