Little Things I Do, As They Occur, To Get Back On Track

[goingonhope]

This First Post {caution} Not a Read for All - (May Trigger, Stress You Out, perhaps Piss You Off, or just irritate the heck out of you!) {last warning}



Ok. so last night at bedtime was real tough. I've recently had the obsession to drink alcohol return and preoccupy my every thought in such a way that all there was left was feelings of irritability, intense fear, self-pity, anxiety, hostilities and anger.

Last night I not only said enough is enough to this fairly new medicine prescribed me, but I fell fast asleep from a desperate state of mind, without taking it, while repeating over and over in my head the 3rd step prayer in AA, and a poem that for some reason I remember word for word, from my first, early attempts at sobriety 20+ yrs. ago.


I'll share it here and it goes:

"If God Should Go On Strike"

"How good it is that God above has never gone on strike. Because he was not treated fair for things he didn't like. If only once he'd given up and said that's it I'm through. I've had enough of those on earth so this is what I'll do.

I'll give my orders to the sun, cut off the heat supply. And, to the moon give no more light and run the oceans dry. Then just to make things really tough and put the pressure on, turn off the vital oxygen to every breath is gone.

You know he would be justified if fairness was the game.

For no one has been more abused or met with more disdain.

Then God, and yet he carries on supplying you and me, with all the favors of his grace and everything for free.

Men say they want a better deal and so on strike they go, but what a deal we've given God to whom all things we owe.

We don't care whom we hurt to gain the things we like, but what a mess we'd all be in if God should go on strike."

Anonymous

 

[goingonhope]

Looking at that poem now, I'm pretty sure that I forgot whole sentences; Oh' well, that's exactly how it went last night as well. In fact, not only did I leave out whole parts when quiety and rapidly reciting this to myself, I also lost where I was and started all over again and again.

As I said, it started out a tough, rough time last night. And, yet it didn't last. Which was good, very, very good.

 

[goingonhope]

Fresh Air, Good & Safe, Yard

Since I've spent so much time inside, outside of necessary car trips and appt.'s, until just yesterday. I just wanted to mention that I finally got out into my yard to clean up some today, and yesterday picked up handfuls and handfuls of sticks.

So I relearned that the yard is a safe place and that the sunshine isn't going to kill me and that the fresh air is really really good.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm glad that you got outside and did something constructive. Sometimes it helps....

 

[anni]

Hi G O H,

I'm on here way too long this morning for pretty much the same rough/tough reason. I don't have your substance issues, no thanks to anything but the fact that fate stepped in with migraines from drinking.

I liked your poem, which I'd never heard. For what it's worth, at 52 and a minister's kid I go through weeks of re-phrasing the entire Lord's Prayer before actually going to look it up.

Sometimes going out and doing just one thing makes me able to slide myself into doing something else, then something else and get some energy moving. In point of fact, the yard is full of sticks so am going go brave the fresh air and get the thing started. I hope your today is a good one.

Take care,

Anni

 

[TLight]

So I relearned that the yard is a safe place and that the sunshine isn't going to kill me and that the fresh air is really really good.


I just loved reading that.........

 

[goingonhope]

:hello:...............

Wendy, it really does help too. My struggle is I get all these good ideas for just how to beautify our yard, and yet just don't have anything like the physical strength and stamina I had some months back. Oh' well, when and if it's time, I will have such strength and know how, again.

And yes, the picking up the sticks was especially constructive due to my Godmother's dog eating them, if allowed to.

I'm glad you liked the poem anni. It's nice to know someone liked it, as really it's very nice. Omg, I remember overstepping my boundaries in my early 20's and reciting it at an AA meeting, ....needless to say most didn't like it that evening, and if they did they certainly didn't say so. (smiles) & (lol)

The part about moving energy, it can and does work like you said, "to slide" into getting other things done.

I'd move and free up lots of energy if I could just care less a little more then I do. While needing to feel somewhat better and in thinking I'm in need of constant improvements and changes, I'm back to waiting to live.

I remember getting so sick'n'tired of waiting to live after this and that comes first that I just threw up my arms and surrendered, and said to myself, I'm going to live now, or else I'll be dead by the time I think I'm fit and/or permitted to. And, from there I set out and really did live and find much enjoyment in life regardless of Ptsd.

With lots of things, ......we come full circle and revisit where we once departed and journeyed forth from.

O.k. now I'm sounding silly.

Hi TLight, Glad you commented!

 

[goingonhope]

Have recently asked for help and shared in some good telephone conversations with another fellow gal in AA.

Stayed home where I very much belong and did not try to escape by running out to a meeting tonight.

Allowed myself to sit still for a good amount of time and prayed for my son.

I'm allowing myself to be slow in much and to go and even move and think slow, even when slow is very slow. Not beating myself up for this, nor need I do so.

 

[anni]

T.S. Elliot has a poem I once memorized, but that memory bank is out of commision at the moment. I think it's 'Burnt Norton', but am not positive. It is exactly what you're referring to, and no it's not the least bit silly but lovely and profound. I think you did a wonderful job of verbalizing the sentiment. The part of the poem I can faithfully recall through the present fog is " And a the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time".

There is something about some poems which helps capture moments and even release emotions, for whatever reason.

 

[goingonhope]

It's about my 5th day and night without medicine. So far so good.

My therapist and I talked about the Fight, Flight, Freeze responses the other day, and I told him all about a terrofying memory from when I was 4/5 in relationship to such responses and thought more abour how we, or should I say trauma creates armors for our body.

I bought a new larger monitor and have hooked up my children's computer with the monitor that I was using, so my children have a working computer again and I'm not taking as many risks with my computer.

And more, but I'm just not feeling quite so well right now, but then again who would be at this ridiculous hr. still awake. :doh:

 

[anni]

Funny ( as in odd ), but in the middle of the night is the one time these days I'm not too afraid. It's like it's just me, and I don't have to worry about anyone else even speaking to me, and all the responsibilites, duties, relationships and things I'm convinced I'm going to screw up are all asleep, too. It's so peacefull. Nights used to be the worst, worst times but it must be something to do with the healing because now they're comforting.

Thinking about that poem made me dig it out, and T.S. Elliot still holds his charm with that one. Thanks for the reminder! I wished to tell you that for a long, long time I couldn't read poems or listen to music which evoked emotion of any kind because it was just tooooo much 'feeling'. I still have to be prepared, but at least can allow the response the artist intended, and like it again. That's progress. It just occured to me that if you're finding comfort and menaing in poetry, maybe some healing is going on. I hope so, for you.

I hope it is better today. Do take care,

Anni

 

[goingonhope]

Thanks Anni.

For me it's when the birds start chirping and the sun comes out that I am most relaxed and happy enough to sleep. However, it is not practical to go to bed at that hr.

Some nights this yr., when I have been depressed and think and feel somewhat suicidal and I don't know what I'm going to do to end that pain, I find that just as that sun comes up. I know just what to do, .......sleep.

Today, has been my first really productive day in a bit and I like to think of this as good. Hope you're doing well. And, Thank you.

You take care as well.

Hope