General Little Worried

[Peach]

Tater has been in a funk since about November 20th. He's been dealing with his favorite PTSD trigger - bureaucratic red tape. This has been going on for a long time now, but it's been ramped up these past few months and his brain finally had enough. He is now taking a break from everything, including myself, and the computer in general.

He's written five times since the 20th, a number that is an unheard of low. I'm actually doing quite well thanks to my newfound understanding of PTSD and somewhat busy schedule. I've been writing as usual, but have made it clear I expect no responses until he feels like it and he seems good with what I'm doing. He does engage a bit in response to various pics and such.

He hates dwelling on DWP all the time, but he can't turn it off, of course, and said it's getting worse.

Problem is, I'm starting to get worried that he is going further downhill. Seems his funk has turned into a very depressed state. In three of those five emails he has ended the letter with a statement along the lines of, "I can understand why people who deal with DWP commit suicide."

Not something I love reading. In response to the last time he said that, I asked if he was being flippant. If he is, fine and dandy, we all have stupid thoughts like that...I had one recently about another taboo subject. That was a few days ago and I haven't yet heard from him. That's technically okay, except for that suicide comment.

I'm not freaking out, I don't even know why I'm writing this. Just need to get it out and a little support, maybe.

I'm also wondering at what point I should get in contact with his friend who lives close by him. I'd feel better if someone could keep an eye on him in person. But I guess that's a ways off. I'll give him time to respond.

 

[twinkle30]

Thinking about suicide passively and actually planning it and doing it or two different things. If he brings up something like that again you could ask if he is planning on hurting himself. I don't know what to tell you because sometimes people say things like that and don't actually want to do it other times they get worst.

 

[Peach]

Exactly, that's why I questioned him without accusing him of having those thoughts or giving him a list of consequences (like I'll tell your friend/the authorities).

I turned it into a joke, almost. I said, "I hope you're being flippant, cause if you do anything I'll beat your ass."

That may rub some people wrong, but I know his humor and am certain he'd take that as the caring gesture it was meant as rather than as a negative.

Another thing is that he always signs off his emails with his name and a smiley emote. In the years we've been writing, there has only been maybe 5 times when he hasn't had the smiley face. Email before last was one of those times. I said I missed the smile and wanted to see it again, only when he wanted, so I knew he was feeling better. And he did, it was present in the last email from him.

I'm probably going a little overboard, but it is scary stuff, made scarier by the fact that I can't monitor things in real life.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Your sufferer's suicidal ideation is enough to freak anybody out if you're not used to it. Hell, it can freak you out when you ARE used to it.

Like @twinkle86 said, it's different than being actively suicidal. If he is just mentioning it offhandedly in conversation, then it's probably not a suicidal situation. If he starts talking about wanting to die, that's a different thing... and even then it may still be ideation. Just because he wants to be dead doesn't mean he's going to kill himself. It is really hard to tell.

I personally can't handle a lot of suicidal ideation from my vet... and we've had to have a conversation about it and come to an understanding. I had a very close family member who committed suicide, and it ripped the family apart. My vet understands it, and knows that every conversation about suicide with me is going to eventually hit a limit. He also knows that if he is actually suicidal he can come to me even if it is upsetting. Thank god, it hasn't come to that. He hasn't been actively suicidal since we've been together.

If it's any consolation though, we didn't hear a peep out of my family member before he killed himself. He just did it out of the blue. It's probably better to hear suicide talk and have the warning.

 

[Sighs]

@Peach - Hugs if you accept them.

Listening to suicidal ideation from a loved one is really hard - and the more physical distance between you the harder it is because you just can't read the body language, facial expression etc.

 

[Peach]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to assume, unless and until something new develops, that he was just making a passing comment like we all do at times.

The fact that he said it 3 times made me start to worry, but you know, whe he gets real anxious like this his memory does seem to take a bit of a vacation. Like he's so busy thinking about whatever it is that is upsetting him that he can't pay attention to anything else, even himself. So maybe he didn't realize he's already used that line on me before.

It's been a long time since Tater was suicidal, as well, @Sweetpea76 . Think it's been a good 15 years and that was before he got proper treatment. He's been through worse than this situation since then and hasn't killed himself, so why would it be too much this time? But, you're right, I'd rather him feel safe enough to communicate with me about it than to clam up and keep it all inside.

When this started and he let me know he wasn't doing great he said he's been unmotivated to do anything and then he feels bad for being "lazy" but that he knows not to force himself because that just makes things worse. That he's been here before and it's gonna take time.

I'm 100% supportive, gave his some movie suggestions and told him to chillax and be nice to himself. All that stuff he thinks he should be doing will still be there later.

Okay, I am feeling better. He's down, but not out.

@Sighs , thank you. I always accept hugs! :) I do wish I was there so I could take care of him. If he doesn't want to do anything, that's fine, I could take care of the house while he just soaks in the tub or whatever.

 

[Peach]

I remembered today that he has a little Buddha on his mantle, so I took a chance and went through some guided meditation videos on Youtube and sent one. Maybe he'll watch and maybe it'll help...or not.