Living A Lie - Suicidal Thoughts

[Nam]

Cookie, I think when a patient is admitted into a hospital, the aim is to just get that person through that really intense suicidal stage. They make sure that you take your meds, they make sure there is nothing around you that you could hurt yourself. A lot of the times, just time will help you recover from the really nasty suicidal thoughts. That is why they do that. They can guarantee that you will not commit suicide while you are in the hospital.

The hospital is not the only option though. When I was going through that, I just figured out a way that I wouldn't do it. Have an action plan. When you are feeling ok, sit down with your significant other and have a plan for when you feel this way. For example, when you get some bad thoughts, tell them to your husband. In return, he'll make sure that your environment is safe. Maybe even have someone stay with you that you trust. Have someone other than yourself be responsible for your medications so that you will not overdose or forget to take them. For me, just to be in the presence of humans helped me not do it. I can want to, but I won't.

Now the church thing. Cookie, my husband and I were very much part of a church. We were on boards, in the band, he worked for them. The very organization that should open their arms to people in need become people of the "judgement" society. They judge everyone and then talk to someone else about it. I remember a time when a member once stood up in front of the congregation and asked for prayers for her friend because he was going through severe bout of depression. You wouldn't believe the hush hush talk that happened after that. I understand your concern for the reputation of your husband. But YOU are suffering. The consequences of your death would be much, much worse. Many, many people go through depression and have suicidal thoughts, I just wish it was talked about more openly to help others understand how we feel and for them to be more compassionate. Please, I beg of you, please do not go to the hospital just for the sake of your husband's reputation. You are worth so much more than that. Your health is so important. If you do get to the point (and I'm sure you know where that point is...) that you don't think you can take it much longer, reach out and get help. You need help. Every person on this forum has endured so much more than a human should ever have to bear. It's okay to ask for help.

I know this post is getting a bit long, but I have a short story to tell. When I was about 6 months into my diagnosis, I started to see the signs of depression in other people. It's so easy to spot now. The pale face, sunken, glazed over eyes, the timidness...etc. There was a friend of mine at work that I noticed it happening to. I finally forced her to eat supper with me. (We worked the night shift..) I cornered her basically and made her eat with me. I purposefully went into a private room to eat. I asked her how she was doing, and she just broke down crying. I shared with her my experiences and how I felt during those times. She was amazed that a person like me could feel like that. (I can put up a pretty good facade.) And ever since, she had a friend at work that she could talk to. It made work more bearable for her and more enjoyable for me. I, in turn, had a friend too.

The world can be very cruel to people with mental illness. But it IS an illness that needs treatment. You wouldn't not go to the emergency room if you broke a leg would you? In fact, suicide is more deadly than that! If you had a brain injury that could cause death, would you just not go to the hosital because it might offend some people? Of course not! It is very serious, we are all vey serious about it here. We can only give you words, so please, please, reach out and get some help. I will pray for you.

 

[mac]

Cookie, I read your post and know exactly what you are going through with regards to your suicidal thoughts and plans (very similar to my experiences). I also have a family. Back in 2004, after what I believed was careful planning and research on my part, I endeavored to end it all on a particular night. I will not go into the details of how, what, or where I was going to do this to myself, as I do not want to be the one who 'enabled' someone to do something they can't take back. I am here today because of giving myself just one more chance that night... I accessed a Chaplain by phone (military clergy) that was on-call for the base (you could go to an ER or something). At the time I had no more faith in God, but I figured my family at least deserved me to do something... to give myself one-more-chance, for them. Although it would have given me premature peace in this world, I knew in the back of my mind that this would no doubt emotionally traumatize my family that are left behind... and that would be just too selfish. At the time, my career was just starting to fall apart. The Chaplain stayed on the phone with me for quite some time as I spilled everything to her. She eventually talked some sense into me. I still have intruding thoughts about suicide and a cause for my death, even some that are identical to yours. However, what keeps me from planning to carry out anything is the realization that, 'hey, life is short anyway,' so for my sake, the sake of my family, or anyone out there... just let nature take its course naturally. All the stress and depression in my life has affected me to such a great extent physically and physiologically that I probably wont live more than 15-20 more years anyway. Currently, I am about 80 lbs overweight, and have numerous physical health problems I didn't have prior to my deployment in Iraq. Exercise is easier said than done when there are so many obstacles to hurdle. I will be 33 y/o next month. Even though many of my relatives have a history of reaching life expectancy-plus, I don't see myself realistically going beyond 50 or so. But even if I was to live to 100 y/o, how fast time does fly... and if you have any faith in an afterlife, what is 100 years of suffering compared to an eternal afterlife of peace. Getting back to God (something the entire U.S. population, and world, could benifit from), has helped me in not wanting to plan and carry out my death sentence. Here is a good place to start (Christian Bible scripture passages); cut and paste web address: http://www.dianedew.com/suicide.htm
Now, I'm by far no example of Christian-living, and I sometimes question religious origin, but a lot of stuff in the Christian Bible just makes plain sense out of life and how to live. More importantly, it offers hope. It has helped me, I'm still here for the moment and if I can help somone else out, it actually makes me feel good for that moment. Thank you for posting here Cookie.

 

[anthony]

Cookie, what Mac and Nam said.

Cookie, I had these same thoughts, same feelings, same emotions you having now for 3 constant years of my life, each and every minute was a fight to tell myself I didn't want to jump in front of that train, truck or when high up that I didn't want to just step-off and have peace... I have more pain than anyone who doesn't suffer PTSD could imagine. I have been through serious physical pain, and mental pain, and recovered from both because of my sheer determination to say "fu*k this, I am not taking the easy road out of what life has dealt me". That thought is still today embedded into my mind Cookie, because I had to tell myself that hundreds of times per day for 3 odd years, just to be here now.

This forum cookie is a result of my suffering, my pain, my anxiety, depression, guilt and every other symptom I have had (which is every single one), because I refused to let what you are now suffering beat me. I refused to take the easy option, I refused to not let this be known to others who I could one day help get past this crap themselves.

So, here we both are cookie. Lets kick this in the arse now shall we and get you past depression, so the most you have to worry about is the remainder of the symptoms... scary, but better than suicide, because every aspect you are now enduring cookie, is controllable. I can see you want to control this, so make that choice... don't just tell yourself, believe yourself. There is no such thing as "I don't have the time" and throwaway statements that are worth less than what you life is. There is time, time can be found to get out of bed in the morning, go for a 10 minute walk... its 10 minutes... not half a day. Make that decision to walk morning and afternoon, make that decision to eat healthy and not just go for takeaway or fast food out of a box, because none of the ingredients are friendly for depression, and work similar to some depressant medications, they increase the damn symptoms. You need fresh fruit, fresh vegetable, a range of meats, healthy food. Anything that comes from a box or packet, is generally not healthy. So the less you use of packaged anything, the healthier your food becomes, thus the healthier and stronger your mind becomes. The exercise will smack depression very fast. Start of with 10 minutes (timed even), then the next week go to 12 or 15 minutes morning and afternoon, then increase it up to 30 minutes morning and afternoon.

Your health is more important than church or others interpretations of you or your family... this is life your talking about cookie... and we only get one chance at it.

 

[mac]

Anthony, good post. Once again, you make a lot of sense here. If you don't mind, I'd like to copy and paste your reply to a Microsoft Word document that I can easily remember where to access and read when suicidal thoughts start to bother me. Thank you

 

[cookie]

anthony, thanks for the advice. i actually do exercise for aabout 30 mins a day. i haven't done it for a couple days, though, been too tired as of late. as for the diet, my husband is diabetic, so i cook more often, we very seldom eat out(i did eat out while on the road lasst week to take zack back to school) i try to watch carbs and fats for hhis sake.i am just so tired of struggling with myself, it's not worth it any more. cookie

 

[cookinggal]

At a guess, your suicidal thoughts are a symptom of another major symptom, generally depression. The best way to decrease your depression, is through healthy eating, daily exercise and keeping your mind active, which means doing tasks, hobbies, working around the house, etc etc. If your sitting still, doing the usual PTSD reclusive actions, then your not helping these thoughts along.

Staying busy helps a little but it doesn't help any longer. And it didn't get rid of any cutting. What else could one do to find some relief

 

[anthony]

And it didn't get rid of any cutting.

Depression and cutting have little to do with each other. From the sounds of it, you're trying to use techniques to treat depression as distraction from deeper problems that reside within your brain, which contribute to you cutting. Cutting is about trying to feel something, not about depression.

You're distracting yourself, not helping yourself, with your current approach.

 

[cookinggal]

So is the cutting a result of the incident or the neglect following the incident? Perhaps figuring out why I cut would help me quit cutting?

 

[anthony]

Cutting is a result of wanting to feel. Whether yours belongs specifically to the incident or neglect after the fact, is for you to find in discovery. Which leads to, yes, you figuring out why you cut is what will help you quit cutting.