Living With An Accessory To My Abuse

[Stormy Eagle]

About 3 years ago my daughter, who was 10 at the time, and I moved in with my mother. It was supposed to be temporary, but my life really crumbled after that. My mother was always an accessory, sometimes a participant, in the abuse my father perpetrated on me as a child; she was also a victim.

Needless to say, seeing her disgusting face every day has torn my life apart. But since my symptoms (depression, dissociation, letharg, flashbacks) have become too bad to maintain employment, and I have no income at all, my 13 year old and I are stuck.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Stormy Eagle)))))

Welcome to the forum.

May you find comfort, support, and hope here.

Have you contacted your local women's domestic abuse center? You and your daughter may very well qualify for some support. At the very least, they can point out resources available to you.

Sending wishes for healing...

 

[CabraVerde]

Ohhhhh, Stormy Eagle! I feel for your situation/predicament!!! For YOU and Your daughter!!! ((((HUGS))))

I have been fighting against a similar situation for the past year.
When my parents found out that I may be losing my house, they swept down like vultures upon me (predators!). It's so sickening to me that they can only consider their own ends (again) when I am so down, but yet couldn't have bothered with me before when I had a better chance of keeping my life here and my house. I had been so naive to add them on FB as family/friends, and like a gauge dropping, they watched me fall apart, and then only offered to finally move me back home after I had had a near mental breakdown and quit my job. Like a light bulb finally lighting, I realized that my parents had never really gave a scheisse about me succeeding, but were more interested in controlling me for their own ends when I was down...and really DOWN! I determined at that point that I would rather die than move back home, because I am trying to get better...not go back to all that had messed me up before in the first place!

You have to get out of there!!! I totally agree with BloominWinter! Contact your local Woman's Shelter and get the DUCK OUT, ASAP!!! You may be thinking that your mother isn't abusing you now, but she HAS...and she most likely still IS!!! For the sake of yourself and your daughter, GET OUT! There are so many resources at the Women's Shelters; other women to share and learn from, and normally an on-site social worker to talk with, as well as get information from for integrating your life and finding a job again. I spent one of my Easters at a Women's Shelter, and even if it was difficult for me to adjust, I am still extremely thankful for having had that experience; women, like me, coming together to get through difficult times, and doing their best to see that they made a Holiday something more special for themselves and their children.

I won't go back home, no matter what, for exactly the reasons that you are now writing about. I don't like my other options, but I will still choose one of those options over going back to live with my abusers again. If I had listened to the emotional/verbal abuse one year ago, when I was so down, and they were both so predatory, I would probably be dead now. But NO, I am still choosing LIFE!!! Against slavery, and against THEM!!!

Reach out, find your answers, choose LIFE, for yourself and your daughter!!!
Peace, Love, and Prosperity!!! You can! ((((HUGS))))

 

[CabraVerde]

Something else, Stormy Eagle...
Google "Narcissistic Mothers" and/or "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers". There is no 'victim' about IT!

If your mother abused you, participated in the abuse along with your father, whatever, she's not a mother! Narcissistic mothers like to claim the 'victim status' after everything is said and done, but if they were there watching, participating, and not protecting YOU?! Please?!!

Real mothers, as I learned from the animal kingdom actually, would sooner rip apart a predatory entity...near sacrificing their own lives to protect their offspring; they certainly don't assist another predator in preying upon their offspring, nor participate in abusing/killing their own offspring themselves....

Something to think about...please Google! Peace!

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Hi Cabra and Bloom,
Thank you for your kind words and wize advice! It is going to take a bit, but I am going to get our of here, before I am DEAD. I am nearly depleated now, she has sucked EVERYTHING from me!
There are two problems that make leaving very tricky...I have 4 cats and a dog, and I can not get government assistance to live on.

Are you ready for this story? For years now my mother has had me on the books as one of her employees; she told me it was so we could get group health insurance. That was fine while I was working, what did it hurt if Uncle Sam thought I had more income?

Well anyway, over the last few years I have BEGGED her to take me off the books so that I will qualify for disability and low income housing, so that I can get out from under her. But she will NOT take me off, even though she is now on medicare and doesn't need the insurance. Recently, I was telling my friend this story and he said "you know why she has you on the books right?" and I said, "sure, to control me, so that I can's get assistance!"

He said that controling me was just an added bonus for her, but...every year she gets to write me off as an employee, she gets a tax deduction! She is using me to commit tax fraud, all the while trying to make me feel guilty because she pays for health insurance for my daughter and me!

Recently, I started meeting with someone at a woman's shelter. My ex-boyfriend is in jail for strangeling me and I decided to use all of the recources that were offered. Next time I go in I am going to share this situation with her as well and see if they can be a recource here too.

I hope we will continue to be strength and support for one another.
Thank you for understanding, really understanding.

 

[James B.]

She is using me to commit tax fraud

Yes, Stormy Eagle, my folks did the same to me. They made money by disabling me, and keeping me dependent. Plus, If i was disabled, much less threat regarding the family secret.

You have to get out of there!!! I totally agree with BloominWinter! Contact your local Woman's Shelter and get the DUCK OUT, ASAP!!! You may be thinking that your mother isn't abusing you now, but she HAS...and she most likely still IS!!! For the sake of yourself and your daughter, GET OUT!

Stormy Eagle, I gotta agree w/ the above. Please take care and best of luck with this.

 

[unquenched]

I saw the title to this post and stopped in my tracks. This is exactly the kind of thing that I experience as a trigger to my PTSD symptoms. After the incident that offset my illness occured I was then forced to live with someone who was involved in creating the opportunity for them to invade my home. I was forced into an immediate state of constant fear for about a month before I was able to get away and protect myself. I constantly believe I see this person, in passing cars, in my rear view mirror, or imagine them hiding in my house. Its even more frightening then the visual of my actual attackers. I have literally run out of public places becasue I would hear him standing behind me saying, remember me?

 

[unquenched]

Hi stormy,

I just realized how self centered my response was. I didn't even give the real message which was to absolutely keep plugging in the direction of leaving that environment and getting away from that same cycle with your mom that you had growing up. You can be the one to break out of that control she is trying to have over you. Initially you may have to move on without your pets. If you make you and your daughter the priority and take steps to get to a safe place to rest your head, like a sober residential safe house for women. Then your living situation would qualify you for assistance and move you up the list for priority assisted housing. If you tell them you're not working for her anymore... that wont disqualify you. At the same time, it also wont get her in trouble. I know you have feelings about that. However, pointing a finger to her lying about your employment status still involves: a lie and you. Maybe not the best plan of action when applying for disability services. However, once they see that you really are in need, and in a status of crisis (its considered so if you're staying at a shelter or safe home) then I am sure that you will get the help that you need. Just pray for strength. And then be brave. You will feel a lot better once you clear your head and change your surroundings.

((hugs))

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Thank you unquenched. I am going to start that process within the next few days! I really appreciate the fact that you wrote back, but it is okay that you wrote something that was self-centered; I think it's great that you are expressing how you feel when you are triggered by something.

Let's keep in touch and continue to support one another.

 

[CabraVerde]

Hello Stormy Eagle, James B., and Unquenched!

I know that all of our stories are different, but the continuing similar thread of 'use/abuse' is amazing. I had earned a merit scholarship to complete four years of education at a 'known' American university for Veterinary Medicine...a dream that I had had since I was 10 years old. I lost my merit scholarship, because my parents claimed me as a tax deduction when my father started working as a EE and making @$50K/year, even though my parents had basically started asking me to pay for all of my things since I was able to start legally working (@16 years old), including my own means/ways for a college education. I not only lost my merit scholarship that year, but I was likewise unable to qualify for FA either, so the day before Father's Days 1992 (year following), I eloped...and he wasn't American, white, or Christian.

Hindsight is so 20/20, because I really should have just taken them to court, contested the whole thing, ripped the top off the abuse issues (within the statute of limitations for my state), and lived my life and dream! But yes, this seems to be a sad and repeated scenario with our sorts of parents. I am SO SAD for all of us! Yet likewise so thankful to find that I am not alone! I can't even talk to my HS classmates about what happened with my academic career and life, because no one understands...and how could they, really? I just kept my head down, kept it inside, studied, studied, studied, and shot for the GOLD (my dream!), and I couldn't even have that from them (my parents).

I love my fanimals too, StormyEagle!
Interestingly enough, my father mentioned something to me this past year about making me 'an employee' of his personal business, for a tax write-off (again! It doesn't stop, and they don't learn!). It hurts, so much, I know! But yes, find your own way, for your daughter and yourself, because you deserve more and better! Once you get yourself away from your current abusive situation, get yourself stronger and more secure, etc., then 'consider' reporting your mother to the IRS. I'm working through these issues myself, so if you ever need to talk about anything, feel free to PM me.

I love my fanimals too, and it's been a big concern from me as I reflect again and again upon eventually losing my/our house (Where will they go? They are my kids!). Animal people throughout the world are amazingly the same, and if you need to find temporary housing for your own fanimals while you adjust, I am sure that you can post an internet ad (Craigslist) and find someone who can help you. Again, if you need to talk, vent, or whatever, feel free to PM me.

Peace, Love, and Prosperity, SE! James B, and Unquenched! Thank you all for sharing! Personally, I am thankful to not feel so alone anymore!
((((HUGS))))

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Hi everyone - I am currently also still living with my abusers so understand somewhat of how you are feeling. I know that we will all eventually break away and put these chapters behind us. It may take a few attempts but am hoping that we can all do it. Thank you all for making me feel less alone in this daily struggle.

 

[CabraVerde]

Understood, Missing_the_Sunshine!

I hope that you find your way OUT, and ASAP! ((((HUGS))))

I'm thankful too for this forum, because I never was able to 'talk' to people about what had happened to me before, because no one understood me, or the abuse.

Thank YOU for sharing! Take Care of Yourself! Peace, Love, and Prosperity!!!