Supporter Living With Ptsd Partner (child Abuse Survivor)

[Taven Carlsen]

She means well, she's just too stubborn or plain stupid to realise the damage she's doing. She's very old fashioned and is convinced that these things are better left unsaid and everybody should just pretend that all is fine.

You're a good guy Nicolas. But you're a good enough guy, you're being too nice.

You could not speak to her for a week, or a day or whatever. But you two will have to impose some kind of sanction on her mother that makes it worthwhile for HER to respect the boundary.

This.

 

[nicolas]

Like I said, we just tried that. Let's see how long it lasts.

 

[Tifanee]

Hi Nicholas.

I can relate to your anger towards your partners abuser, I struggled with the anger myself towards the man that sexual abused my partner. To be really honest, you have to get over it...move on from the anger. You can't make her brother apologize, you can't make him be accountable, and you can't make the mother shut up. The mother knows what happened and probably has her own guilt about the event. Being angry will only eat you up and your partner does pick up on that anger, which she does not need right now. We as the supporters have to move on from the anger as well as their trauma. We are the ones that help provide the island or bubble of security, trust, and love so that they can move through their healing.

You must separate you and your family from the drama. Take a step back, create boundaries, and have a home of love and safety, without anger.

Vent your anger here and leave it here...don't take it home to your family nor direct it to the brother. That will only hurt you and your loved ones.

 

[cyberstreet]

If she has told her not to bring up her brother - and her mom continues to do so, what is the consequence for her mother of having brought it up? Do you guys walk away as soon as the brother is mentioned? You could not speak to her for a week, or a day or whatever. But you two will have to impose some kind of sanction on her mother that makes it worthwhile for HER to respect the boundary. If, on reflection, you guys want contact with her at all which you might not. If she won't respect your boundaries, she probably needs to not be in your lives.:( Particularly with a child coming along... You can't ever ever leave your baby with her, right? So so sad.

SO CORRECT. NEVER leave your baby with her. She obviously doesn't cares much about babies, or hey, actual adults.

 

[cyberstreet]

She means well, she's just too stubborn or plain stupid to realise the damage she's doing. She's very old fashioned and is convinced that these things are better left unsaid and everybody should just pretend that all is fine.
I told my gf again to ignore her mother for a while and yesterday and today she didn't pick up her phone which drove her mother mad. In the end she answered and calmly told her mom that she wants nothing to do with her anymore and to leave us alone. So now they're both very sad but I believe this is for the best. Her mom needs a wakeup call. As for her brother, he needs an ass whooping more than anybody ever has.

Nicholas, I think this is great. And personally think people have been WAY too namby pamby on the mother here. Something VERY illegal DID happen. Sexual abuse of a child. The mother completely enabled this to happen. She sounds worse than the brother as she was an adult and the parent and the legal protector and she did NOTHING. She should apologize to you for the rest of your lives, and even then you should not relate to her. Jesus taught us to "love one another as you love yourself." Who would ever tell their move beloved self (which is what the "yourself" means, sadly for women nowadays this doesn't translate well) to ignore sexual abuse and a cover up of it, even though the mother could have prevented a lifetime of harm from drugs and mental health? Eleanor, I respectful SO disagree with you. This "forget the past" and move on to the future is such bullshit, blame the victim.

The mother is so enmeshed in her daughter's live that she "freaks out" if she doesn't answer the phone every day or two??!! To me that is abusive and trying to control the daughter and keep her guilty and dependent.

And, Eleanor, why in the world the secrecy? That isn't moving on to give the brother a pass like that. The ACT UP slogan, Silence = Death is really applicable here.

The mother has shown herself unfit for motherhood, and certainly grandmotherhood. So what if she is the only biological family member remaining. Family has nothing to do with biology, it has to do with love.

But, please, the criminal injustice system would so penalize you if you jack his pathetic ass up, keep pasting his face on your wood blocks and karate chop 'em in half! I would get counseling for domestic violence and see if you could file an ex parte order against her brother and stop any contact from him whatsoever. After all the abuse and pain he has caused her, he should not be allowed to contact her. But, only if she is ready to ditch him, an ex parte order means she invalidates it if she calls him.

If people say "be quiet" and "move on" while you've been clear you listen to that abusive crap of a mother, every day! then they are condoning her ONGOING abuse. Of course your wife doesn't feel safe. Consider moving far away. Filing order with police, whether a legal ex parte or not. Get professional counseling, not the fake spiritual b.s. stuff you've been getting. Jesus whipped the money changers defiling his Father's house. To "forgive" someone who is not actively, ongoing repentant, who is not actively transforming their actions is an act of self hate and not love.

I hope you find a community of choice and love and real (non-biological) sister, brothers and parents. Ditch the biological ones. Protect and prioritize yourself.

EMDR has been helping me, I highly recommend it. A few sessions can be all that's needed to help a lot. Although your partner isn't going to kick a lifetime of pain so quickly. I wasn't ready for it at first as I was too numb and out of touch with my own feelings. Then had to kick alcohol and big pot-smoking. Change churches and ditch abusive relatives (yes, very hard).

Key was my loving partner and healthy new relationship with God. Things are so much better.

Yes, a child to re-parent oneself is surprisingly healing.

Just, please get professional therapy and stick with it to get help for the three of you (mom, dad, baby); you've come a long way and are on the verge of incredible blessings (which started when you found each other). And, do your parents live far away? They sound possibly better. Does your martial arts school have baby karate? Sounds healthy too!

 

[cyberstreet]

Hi Nicolas, welcome! I can relate to the terrible situation you are in. My partner also suffers from ptsd due to child sexual abuse. She was repeatedly violated by her father from the age of four. When she tried to tell her mother she said "I know, I don't want to talk about it"

We have been together for 11 years now and I have seen her suffer every emotion from wanting to get her father killed, to trying to forgive him, to hating him again, to finally just doing what she can to survive. That goes for her mother also, who was the ultimate betrayer by sending her back to the abuser. I suspect that your partner may also be starting to feel the pain of betrayal from her mother, because quite frankly trying to get her to play "happy families" with the brother is just not on. It belittles the severity of the abuse. What her brother is doing right now is abuse. Her mother is hurting her deeply by even mentioning his name in "polite conversation", it's not on. Tell her to shape up or ship out till she gets a new perspective.

I have had too many run-ins with her family to list. I know that you expressed how difficult it is to shut him out of your life, but the only advice I can give you is to emphatically shut the door on anyone, situation, place or gathering that could be a trigger for her right now. When she is stronger than she can choose to deal with all this, but she must be the one who is in control, because this type of abuse takes away the sufferers power.

I feel for you and the health of your partner and unborn baby. :unsure:

So very true. And as far as "new perspective" goes, that much minimally include apologizing frequently, publicly and admitting that she never reported brother to child protective services to get counseling for either one of them. The mother definitely broke the law by not reporting child abuse, not getting minimal care for two minors who both needed healthcare (what else happened to the brother?), and not getting help now. Until this mother continuously admits her sins, and repents, turns away and actively seeks to make the wrong right, she should be withheld communion.

The mother and brother are clear dangers to your grandchild, her daughter, and frankly her son. And the entire community. They both should have to register as sex offenders, esp. as they haven't had serious ongoing therapy. The mother was undoubtedly was an abuse victim herself, but as an adult she choose to allow a helpless child suffer harm, and as such is no longer innocent. Run! Keep your child and wife safe and get domestic abuse help; file notices with police; perhaps move far away; find a peaceful family of choice and true faith community that does not condone abuse with silence.

Her mother committed several serious crimes and her and brother are pathological criminals and should be reported to authorities. Until they get help they will not change. How many others have they abused? Hushed up abuse? Why would they simply stop it? The worse she has ever "suffered" is not being spoken to for two days! If everyone keeps it secret other victims will never come forward. You are more than entitled to completely cut your horrendous biological family off. God has blessed you with true love, you do not need to put forward your pearls before swine.

Follow your own happiness and that of your true family of love. You owe no one else anything, only you and your loved ones (and certainly do not want to be provoked into jail time).

Tell us about your baby!!

 

[Eleanor]

@ cyberstreet - Clarification: I was not suggesting that anyone keep the abuse secret at all - my understanding was that nicolas and his wife had dealt with told the mother etc and that and what his wife has done all she wants to do about it at this point. Or that they give the brother a pass at all - but since his wife decided not to pursue criminal action (and I don't know where they live so if there are statute of limitations issues etc.) although he may richly deserve to get hit by a fast moving dump truck - it is a bad idea for a parent to be the one who is driving, if you see what I mean.

I don't think I said anything about forgetting the past - not sure what read that way - the idea is to not let it determine your present or future.

@ nicolas - I agree with the upthread responses - you are being too generous to her mother. Assuming she has an IQ above the single digits she knows what she is doing (if only because you guys have TOLD her) and she just doesn't care. Good for your gf for setting the limit and "cutting her off". It will be hard to keep tho - you guys may want to change your phone numbers if she keeps calling. Or block her from calling.

There is NOTHING "old fashioned" about insensitivity, callousness, or ignoring abuse. Lots of people use "appearances" rules, and tradition to disguise or ignore horrible behavior - that does not make bad behavior any less bad. Sure, people have been turning a blind eye to others' pain for a long time, but that doesn't make it "old fashioned". Compassion and honesty and responsibility have been around for at least as long. (Sorry, I think of myself as somewhat "old fashioned" and "traditional" so it hit a bit of a nerve.):alien:

 

[Kitten]

Nicolas,
Wow! What a lot to be dealing with not just for your gf, but for you and your unborn child.

I quickly skimmed through a lot of the responses and can try to give a bit of advice. I myself have gone through years of abuse on all levels really. The primary one though was the sexual abuse by my own grandfather. It was VERY hard to tell. Not only was I affraid that he would harm my family if I did, but he was also known as a upstanding citizen in his community. Who in the world would believe me?!?! I still ended up telling and we had a lot of the same turmoil in our family. Even with him admitting to parts of it my grandmother outright blamed me. Saying things like I provoked it and such. Mind you, my abuse started when I was 11. We also have family that wants us to kiss and makeup, almost like it was just some fight that was really no big deal.

Understand that first of all, your support means everything! Although I know my fiance has a lot of the same hatred for my grandfather and has just as long of a list of things to do to cause serious harm... it's not what I would want him to do. We have completely cut ties with my grandfather, and he will never be allowed to see my children. As for my grandmother, she continues to live in her world of denial and signs birthday cards from both herself and my own molester. Completely SICK!

Know that anyone that wants to force that relationship between her and her brother is not going to do her any good, especially with that bundle of joy on the way. Focus on just your family that you are starting, and unfortunately you may never have those holidays back. I have learned to be happy with that for myself.

It's hard enough survivng sexual abuse, much less having it thrown in your face constantly by either your family or even the abuser! I would say cut him completely out, and no matter how long ago it was, he made his bed and now he can lie in it.

Best wishes to you and your gf and your bun in the oven! I'm here if you'd like to talk :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi- I am late to this discussion. This is what is called crazymaking and high drama. The family dynamics are all twisted. Her mom is a piece of work. I would cut them both out of your lives.

This is having awful affects on your girlfriend and I am concerned for the both of you. You need to keep and preseve your own sanity and peace of mind and well being. It does'nt look like her mom listens and hears. Oh she listens for ways to interject her own hidden agenda into the mix. She only listens so she can tell you.

They have been this way for way too long. They are fine with the status quo. You guys are changing and growing and dysfunctional families resist this to the extreme. You cannot keep on talking to them. You have to cut them out of your life. I agree with what everyone has been telling you. YOu have gotten some really decent advise, help, and support.

You need to get it together before the baby is born. These 2 people are lethally toxic. They wont change.
.
You have broken the family's sick and toxic unwritten rules by bringing the truth out and going for healing.Oh this makes me so angry. I get so weay of people like this. Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology or for them to see the light. I doubt that is going to happen.

You guys have really tried to be there for them, but you have to be there for each other from now on. You have a new baby coming. And it is better to get them out of your life before the baby is born. Usually I recommend keeping the family together because to cut them out is so hard. But I think in your case it is better to cut them out.

This kind of situation is so insain. Look at what it is doing to you. You are besides yourself with anger. Yeah I agree he needs to get his ass kicked and I am sure eventually someone will do it, but do not do it yourself. He isn'nt worth it.

I had to cut my family out of my life and it has been alot quieter and peaceful. my brother started a rumor about me that is still believed. It hurts, but I consider the source. If they were healthy it wouldn't have to be this way. Someone needs to be the grown up, and it does'nt look like those 2 are capable of it.

I'm so very sad and angry at this situation. I beg of you to think long and hard before you have any more to do witheither one of them. I know it means alot for you guys, this will bring alot of changes to you both and it won't be easy. But in the long run, you have your own family to think about, and protecting them from these people is your job. I am rooting for you and I wish you the best. Oh I'm so burned up about this that you guys have been dealing with. good luck.

 

[nicolas]

Wow thank you so much for all the responses. My gf is finding it very hard to cut her mother out of her life. After all she's not always a manipulative dumbass, more than often she is a loving caring mother. She babysits her brother's daughter 3 days out of the week (yes he has a daughter, let's not get into that). The problem is she just can't let go of her mindset that everything is better left buried underground and let's all kiss and make up. The best part is that if her father were still alive (he died 10 years ago) and found out about this, he would have personally killed his son. Obviously my gf takes more after her father than her mother. She has even stated on occasion that I am becoming more like him every day ha, not sure if that's a good thing.

Anyway we'll keep on being strict with her mother but I fear for an escalation when our daughter is born. I'm sure her brother will once again play the victim flute and cry with his friends that his "crazy sis" won't let him see his niece. Ooooh sometimes it itches so much to tell our communal (ex-) friends what's really been going on. Not sure if I mentioned this but me and her brother used to be good friends and we had lots of friends in common. When this stuff went down we obviously stopped seeing each other but I also stopped going to the bar where we all used to go and guess how many of my friends asked me why I disappeared? None.

 

[Eleanor]

nicolas, is there a sane older woman in your gf's life who could be her "surrogate" mom? Because there is no way to get the nice loving care from her bio-mom without the abuse (and the denial and pushing the abuser back into her life is most certainly abuse.) A young woman about to become a mother really really wants and needs her mom - and my heart goes out to your gf:cry:. I can't imagine how torn up she is about this. And she needs to stand firm with her mother.

A question for both of you: Are you sure the rest of the time she's just a straightforwardly loving caring mother? I ask because, in my experience, iron fists very often appear wrapped in velvet gloves. That is what makes it so confusing.

It is so so hard being part of a small community when this stuff happens. And I've seen communities that are basically good - and gradually come around to the truth and act accordingly, and sadly ones that just go with the easy answers. Either way, it takes time to sort out. I hope you've developed some new friendships with people who are worthy of your trust, time and regard.

 

[nicolas]

Surrogate mom, not really. But she has lots of friends with children who all love her very much and none of them condemns her the way her family does. Some of them know of the situation and they've all reacted in a correct compassionate matter.

Something I don't think I've mentioned yet is that her brother in recent years has become a very succesful entertainer here and his ego has ballooned accordingly. When confronted by his sis he replied with "you don't speak to me like that" (really) and he more or less physically threatened me on the phone which is hilarious given my physique and background. We are very much getting the feeling that all the professional attention he's been getting has gone to his head and he doesn't have anybody around him anymore to bring him back down to Earth. Basically he has a handful of friends who never criticize him and think he's magnificent and a wife who knows of the situation but doesn't say anything or reach out to us because she's financially set for life thanks to him. Add it all up and he's a megalomaniac sociopath. Which is scary because we'd been friends for years. But then again Ted Bundy was very charming as well.