Longing For Genuine Connection

[MoodElevator]

Well, it's been exactly 10 months today since I broke up with my former girlfriend of 4 years. I still remember how relieved I felt to finally have that giant cruel controlling judgemental weight lifted from my shoulders and I still feel fairly confident that I have the experience and self worth now to not allow myself to be treated like that again by another woman.

It seems like a lot of sufferers on here cope with a lot of issues regarding a lack of ability to embrace intimate affections and sex. And that more often than not they are also sexual abuse victims like myself. I feel the exact opposite. Within the last 10 months I've had several 'flings' with various women (8 to be exact) and too many 'dates' to count. Some of them lasting longer than others. I crave crave crave intimacy and connection. I'm driven to sex to experience the closeness, warmth, and affection that usually goes along with it. The sexual pleasure side of it I don't find to be much more satisfying than masturbation, sometimes less.

Aside from this I do very much want to form a serious loving honest long-term relationship with a woman who will respect my compassionate nature, what I've been through, all that I've overcome and still have to. I was actually developing a genuine romantic connection with a girl who I had a lot in common with back in the fall, or so I thought. She stood me up for free coke that her roommate brought home and later laughed about it. :| Left me standing in the december cold and didn't even bother to say a thing. When I found out the reason and heard her laughter I had a complete hijack and breakdown. I somehow managed to rip a dread right out of my scalp. I cried myself to sleep on my dogs bed and woke up to find my whole head and face crusted with dried blood. I have issues with even hearing about coke due to associations with my cokehead/dealing father. I worry that I'm destined to only have women in my life who exploit me emotionally and repeatedly metaphorically kick my face into a curb for some reason; regardless of my perceived ability to protect myself.

What do you all think about this?

 

[Heaven666]

I worry that I'm destined to only have women in my life who exploit me emotionally and repeatedly metaphorically kick my face into a curb for some reason; regardless of my perceived ability to protect myself.

You tell me nothing new. This describes the majority of people I know. At least you did not suffer a traumatic divorce with the loss of more than half of your bank account, properties and future income (I've seen it happen more than once). Toughen it up kid, it's a jungle out there. At least you dealt with the problem in a half decent way, another man would have flipped out and ended up in jail for double manslaughter!

 

[nursenurse]

PTSD or not, we all struggle at some point with relationship issues. I was married for 21 years before I called it quits, had my post separation fling, then swore off men forever. Carefully carved out and built up my life over the next 5 years, and wouldn't you know it. BOOM! Now have a b-bb-boy fff-f-ffriend. (hard to spit that one out). And I am happy, didn't realize how much I was missing the affection and just male company. He is PTSD, I am sure he had written off women after his divorce.

First off, get tested for STDs, that is a real threat to you. Here's what I tell patients who present to me with STDs. You sleep with 1 person, you sleep with everyone they have ever slept with. Which means you catch their diseases if they have them. Condoms are no guarantee.

Next, stop prostituting yourself (figuratively speaking). You aren't going to come across the "one" (poor choice of words) by sleeping with a whackload of girls. Take more time for yourself, and be comfortable with yourself. You learn that with solitude, not by sleeping with everyone. True intimacy takes time to develop, as does a good relationship, especially one that develops into that closeness that you crave. It's okay to be alone, and it's okay to be with someone, just do it for the right reasons.

I think you are a bright, intelligent young man. Get off the merry go round of one or two night stands. Those girls are not interested in the kind of intimacy you say you crave. Love and such will hit you when you least expect it. Maybe explore the reasons you end up picking the wrong girls. You are not destined for failure, you can break the cycle. You will be destined for failure if you think with other body parts than your brain. The right girl will want to feel comfortable and close to you before the sex comes, not after. If they don't then they are not worthy of you.

 

[jmni]

It is pretty typical for people to hop around after a long relationship ends. I guess it is some means to fill a void but in application it's like water through a sieve. It doesn't sound like you are enjoying the sexual experience and I can relate to that because I think it is more difficult to form a beneficial healthy sexual relationship than a standard intimate healthy relationship. Basically I think you just quit doing what you're doing because it sounds like you're frustrated and fed up with it. Also you are meeting people who you would rather have nothing to do with and you could apply some more effective screening rules to meeting people. In the case of this last girl you got prematurely attached. I think you should realize that these people are just people and if you don't have expectations they will disappoint you less.

I still feel fairly confident that I have the experience and self worth now to not allow myself to be treated like that again by another woman.

You must realize that this is too good to be true. Abuse and control can take the form of a family, employer, coworker ... It is very easy to fall into the trap with a new romantic partner. I think that you have the right attitude and can use your knowledge but you need to think to apply it effectively if you want it to work.

The title of your thread really says it all. Longing is another word for needy and that will not lead to anything good.

 

[MoodElevator]

Unfortunately it seems that I didn't explain myself effectively and thus was for the most part misunderstood. Of well it happens I suppose. I have to include that I'm not a fool and have experienced and been exposed to a lot. Providing textbook answers as though I'm just some ignorant inexperienced child is a complete waste of time. However I truly appreciate the heartfelt last two responses. The first one, however, is just downright insulting.

Toughen it up kid,

WHAM! MARGINALIZED!! You completely missed the point and made giant judgemental assumptions. I didn't go into any detail about the relationship I had because this post isn't about that. I'm not here to argue, but I ask that you don't reply to this thread again as you are not proving any support or advice or wisdom or anything constructive at all. It's quite apparent to me that you have pain that this reminded you of and caused you to chose to bombard this thread with contempt for a stranger. I hope you feel better.

The right girl will want to feel comfortable and close to you before the sex comes, not after. If they don't then they are not worthy of you.

I'd like to quote your whole post but I know the rules don't allow that, so I quoted my favourite part. :) I completely agree that the 'right' gal will need that sincere intimate bond to be created first I'm clean, had regular tests most recent one being two weeks ago; I've not been with anyone since. I'm also completely aware that intimacy cannot be 'forced' via sex. An unfortunate reality of the particular demographic of which I'm a part is that sex always comes too soon. I've been completely aware that these girls, for the most part (a couple weren't but were very obviously bad news), aren't seeking for anything deeper than sex. I've been satisfying a craving for intimacy as a way of comforting myself. I have had a couple genuinely passionate intimate loving attachment free experiences. You're right about the one nighters or flings not going anywhere; I never expected them to.

I think you just quit doing what you're doing because it sounds like you're frustrated and fed up with it. Also you are meeting people who you would rather have nothing to do with and you could apply some more effective screening rules to meeting people. In the case of this last girl you got prematurely attached.

Now you seem to know what I'm getting at here jmni. And you're right I did just quit what I was doing due to being frustrated and fed up with it. How I'll feel in a few months time might change unfortunately. However it's seeming more and more apparent that I should simply restrain myself when there aren't any genuine options about. Creating some sort of semi-thick buffer, screen, firewall, etc. seems to be the only 'logical' route to take at this point. The girl in the fall I thought was genuinely interested in me and looking for the same thing that I am; I thought this because we talked about it several times and it was explicitly stated on both ends more than once lol. I freaked out because of the message "I'd rather have a pile of free neurotoxic pep chalk then treat you like a decent human being" I learned the hard way in my teens to just be direct and honest with everyone (err as much as is possible/safe) to avoid needless hurt and/or bullshit. I agree with you on the last part. Desperation is never attractive or a good thing. It's not about what you want or need its about how you express it I think.... I have a genuine desire to put forth the good strong sides of myself that I've revived into a relationship. But I know that comes with time, and sometimes by surprise; it's awesome and shitty at the same time. :P

Ultimately I do believe I see the divide between what I seek and what I've been doing and I think I know the cause. There is a lack of avenues in my life currently to find what I'm looking for, and will be until I move and start school again. Then there will be many avenues but little time to explore them (hah). I'm cool being alone and with myself. Appeasing one's desire for intimacy with menial physical connections comes at a cost.


Anyways - Thanks for your input fellers, I do appreciate it. I'm sorry I did such a terrible job at defining what I was getting at. (also for the size of the above comments). I was initially mostly interested if any other sufferers feel the same way that I do in regards to intimacy? i.e. the opposite of afraid of/ alienated from it and so on??

 

[99Phoenix99]

I actually really crave intimacy. It's a problem because one of my triggers is being touched. Long story short I've been conditioned to expect pain when touched. It's pretty messed up and really messes with my psyche because I'm all for it and then when I'm touched ... forget about it. It's something I'm starting to work in therapy now because I've gotten to the point where I can't stand not being intimate anymore. It's really aggravating.

And I'll just say this, that girl in the fall was a jerk. No one should treat anyone like that. That's just crass. Reminds me of a guy I dated once. I had been seeing him for about 3 solid months and we agreed to be in a relationship. We really hit it off. Not two days later I get a text that says he's getting back together with an ex but hopes when that's over we can try again. It was such a slap in the face because I never saw it coming. We were going slow because of my trigger and I was really hopeful about things. I took to heart that some people can either be a blessing or a lesson. Man oh man was he a lesson lol Anyway some people are exceedingly good at hiding their true colors for quite a while. I'm just gad I erred on the side of caution with him because I actually require a relationship before anything gets physical. Booted him to the curb faster than you could believe for even suggesting I'd give him a second thought after that. And did he put up a stink about it. Sheesh.


Honestly I'm convinced that's the best way to go if you don't want a Wham Bam Thank you Ma'am deal. If you go that route it really weeds out those who aren't sincere and it protects yourself if you are looking for a deep committed relationship. There are very few people I know who have ever made a relationship from a quick romp in the sack. If you set standards and boundaries in yourself that you'd like in a significant other that's who you'll end up attracting.

 

[jmni]

I learned the hard way in my teens to just be direct and honest with everyone (err as much as is possible/safe) to avoid needless hurt and/or bullshit

And while you were learning that other people were learning how to back stab and be insincere and tell people what the want to hear. Personally I am no good at screening people and am just starting to get an idea of how to do it. I have a friend that helps me. I can say it's more of thinking thing than an emotional thing.