hey Searching welcome to the forum,:hello: please read everything you can, as much as possible here- it will help you. This is an amazing place with such a shared knowledge that is beyond value in helping you to live with PTSD.
That said in answer to your question;
I am wondering if you are both able to communicate, really able to talk, keeping a two way conversation really going. That wasn't meant to read quite so badly that sentence. I mean really be able to talk with each, undistracted, and unfettered by fears.
People often can get lost in talking to each other while doing other stuff and often a person can feel that they are unheard, because the focus of the other person is not on them. And that works both ways.
So I would suggest sitting down regularly and talking to each other, no tv, no dinner or anything else...a time of just talking, with no distractions. It doesn't have to be about anything heavy it can just be the two of you shooting the breeze, getting to discover more about the other person.
It doesn't have to be about anything heavy, but it will help you both to be able to focus on each other more, it will be good training for when you both need to talk about something heavier perhaps.
Because it is just as much about being able to listen and really hear each other, read body language, understand each other- I mean really understand where the other person is coming from and what it is that they are actually really saying. And also really being able to express yourself as well. Maybe you will have to learn new ways to be able to express what it is that you are really trying to communicate.
An example of what I mean;
you feel uncomfortable about your husbands past relationships, and you say you do, and maybe he hears that you think he will be unfaithful. and he is upset and annoyed that you would think this about him. he gets up set and you get upset because you maybe feel that you are right that he is covering something up about how he really feels and that it will all go horribly wrong...and so you push it down and say nothing. until you freak out
So try this again...
You maybe feel uncomfortable about your husbands past relationships
You think about how you really feel
what is it that makes you feel uncomfortable
you maybe ask him to help you be able to explore this with you
you realise that perhaps it has nothing to do with his past relationships
and everything to do with your confidence about yourself perhaps
so he now understands where you are coming from with this...it isn't about him, it is about how you feel
now you have to address how you feel and whether it is right thinking and you have every right to be pissed at him or..
wrong thinking and you need to be able to work through it
coping strategies
and I am thinking maybe you need to be working on these for your PTSD also from what you have written, sleep problems etc. have you come off meds for a reason...are you planning a family? Because if you are then I can understand, also if you have had unbearable reactions to meds also. I do believe they can suppress you feeling so I have some reasons for not taking some meds myself. The thing is I am wondering if you have an ongoing plan to be able to ground yourself. Ptsd and otherwise.
Sometimes people believe that getting married will be the thing that makes the insecurities go away. The thing is if you don't work on why you have the insecurities in the first place, they don't go away by themselves. Regardless of PTSD a lot people have these insecurities anyway. It doesn't help though to have the PTSD in on the mix, and that you have to be aware of-which is good that you acknowledge this....it shows from your post you know you have a problem and it will need working on.
How active is your partner in your recovery?
How much does he understand?
Because he needs to play a part in your life with it. Helping you to learn and relearn.
I don't want to bombard you with masses of suggestions, I would really encourage you to read as much as you can on this site, there is a carers section also that will help you both gain an insight into how things work, from both perspectives, this forum will help you. But you have to know what it is you need to work on and that will really take two way communication, that is completely open and relaxed between you both.
So even if you are having no problems practise communicating with each other, because it will stand you in good stead for when trouble hits. And I am not suggesting trouble will hit, but at the same time it would be unrealistic to think there will never be any problems in your marriage, although I hope there never are. This communication will help you totally, it will help you to grow together and also individually. As it will show you the areas that you need to work on yourselves in.
I hope this hasn't freaked you out. It may be that you already do this, in which case do it more. actively listen to each other requires work, it can be fun though so please don't see it as a drudge, it will help you both get to know each other also. And that wasn't meant to sound like I think you don't know each other...it is just that I have been with me for a long time now and I don't always know what makes me tick so...I have to sit down and think about it without spiralling down and away, which can and does happen when pTSd kicks in.
I was with a jealous partner, it wasn't fun. He didn't want to talk about any insecurities that he had, and that was what they were, because I would never have messed around on him. But he would never believe me on that, no amount of convincing on my part was ever going to help him to see. He needed to be able to see and to work on what it was that got him believeing that this would happen. Why he was so insecure himself, because it didn't come from me.
I left him because of the beatings and the rages, that he would errupt with because he thought I might, ironic.
I was pregnant when I left and I had a baby to consider, he nearly killed me and the baby. I knew if I stayed I would loose the baby no doubt, and would probably have been killed also, it was that bad. So I do know about jealousy from the other side.
I also know about lack of communication, I went on -years after, to marry someone that was living a double life, and when I found out; he wouldn't talk so...there is more to it than that much more but you don't need that here.
I hope that some of what I have written is of help and that in some way you will be able to work through it. Because it seems so very sad that you are missing some beautiful time so early on in your relationship due to fear, internal fear.
Many people think that getting married is the hard part...the getting married is the easy part, the staying together and working at it is the part that can be challenging. But I believe it can be a beautiful challenge.
Open 2-way communication is a good thing to be able to practice, even if you you already do it, do it some more because it wont hurt to get better at it.
Hope this helps and that I haven't over talked this. Please read as much as you can here, it will help you. And open up in your own time as well.
bless you
~fin
