Relationship Looking Through My Phone

[idkhelen]

So these past 2 weeks with my marine vet has been amazing. All hes been is sweet to me. Last night when he went to the bathroom, I woke up and tried to go back to sleep. I hear him coming back to bed and felt him grab my phone from next to me. I continue to pretend I was sleeping and even moved around to see if he would stop. I'm sure he knew i was awake. For about 30 minutes he looked through my phone. His exes have cheated on him so he has some trust issues. I have nothing to hide so I let him to look through my phone just so he could see I'm not shady. It's not the first time he's done this. The last couple times I did say something and he would just say, you're just really good at hiding your shit. Just wanted to vent this out.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @idkhelen How do you feel about this?

 

[idkhelen]

Hi @idkhelen How do you feel about this?

I mean it makes me sad that he has to compare me with his past relationships. If it was anyone else, normally I would flip about someone going through my phone without permission. I'll probably bring it up if he does it again.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Personally?

That would be a boundary crossed for me, I may sound heartless but I aren't really willing to have my privacy invaded to satisfy their paranoid insecurities, I feel it only indulges and encourages their trust issues long term. I never have anything to hide because I'd never cheat on anybody, ever, but it's the insinuation I am hiding something that would be too far for myself.

Obviously I am not saying it's a break up worthy thing if it's the first time it's happened, but it's definitely a "discussion" that has to be had.

 

[Teasel]

Yes, I think I would too. I must admit that what you describe rings alarm bells for me. If he can repect your wishes not to go through your phone without permission then that would be much better.

 

[idkhelen]

Personally?

That would be a boundary crossed for me, I may sound heartless but I aren't really w...

Yeah normally in relationships that would push me already to an argument. I have this habit of allowing him to get away with this stuff because of what he's been through. But I know it's not an excuse for it :/

 

[illusionist]

In my house that's an unspoken broken boundary. If you are not happy you need to speak up....make it very clear.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yeah normally in relationships that would push me already to an argument. I have this habit of allowin...

I think that is the problem for a lot of supporters, overlooking things we'd never normally put up with, adding caveats, over stretching the bounds of context etc.

My SO/ExSO called me out if I do stuff wrong, quite rightly, I can't use my OCD as an excuse for not trying to work on my issues.

 

[illusionist]

It doesn't matter what we have been through, we still need to respect other people.....it's not all about us, and the sooner that is reinforced in a relationship, the happier we will both be.

 

[Friday]

If you've let him go through your phone before / have stated you're fine with transparency...

And he knew you were awake...

This isn't you catching him doing something he's not supposed to, right? It's you realizing you're not okay with transparency & wanting to change the rules. Which is fine. That's always your prerogative. Just be careful of ex post facto. ((Getting someone in trouble for breaking a rule, before the rule was made.))

 

[idkhelen]

If you've let him go through your phone before / have stated you're fine with transparency...

And he kn...

Oh no definitely. It's why I didn't say anything when he did it. I do need to have a conversation about that though. It's really hard to tell when the right time is with him to have these type of boundary talks. If I don't word it right he'll flip. He looks into word choice a lot.

 

[idkhelen]

I think that is the problem for a lot of supporters, overlooking things we'd never normally put u...

Exactly:/ one of the main reasons that keep me tolerating it is because I'm still new to dating someone with PTSD and I don't want to trigger something.