Hi, there.
I'm in my early thirties, and I've spent my life feeling like the pain and suffering I experienced as a child was somehow normal. I knew I'd been hit, tortured, drugged, humiliated, threatened. But, somehow, none of it registered as "wrong." I guess I had so fully absorbed the message that I deserved the treatment that I never even questioned it. A few years later, when I was raped (still as a kid), I guess I had such strong denial coping mechanisms in place that I just pushed it all down and did my best to never think of it. I lived out my adolescence deeply depressed and having bouts of derealization and depersonalization, never understanding what was wrong. I partially numbed my feelings with drugs, thrill-seeking, self-injury. I've always been emotionally withdrawn and secretive about my true feelings (which were more intense/irrational than I ever let on). Such was my life, and I thought this was "living."
Last year I closely examined some of my memories for the first time, and realized I'd been raped (though based on my fragmented memories and flashbacks, I think it felt more like I was getting killed), which precipitated a breakdown and the onset of full-blown PTSD symptoms (or complex PTSD, according to my therapist). I felt reduced to such a weakened state; for a while there I was having flashbacks most days, and often couldn't manage more than whimpering in a ball. But, there were other changes that were incredibly positive. For the first time, I don't feel numbed out anymore. It is scary and disorienting to face so many intense feelings for the first time, but it also feels like I am for the first time discovering who I really am. Despite all the pain and Sisyphus-like efforts, I'm so grateful to feel like I am finally becoming "me," even if it's slow going.
Although I've been a little on the antisocial side all my life, now I can't get enough of connecting with people. And, although intense therapy w/ a trauma specialist has helped, most of my insight has come from talking to other survivors. So, I'm hoping to build an online support network. Looking forward to getting to know some of you!
I'm in my early thirties, and I've spent my life feeling like the pain and suffering I experienced as a child was somehow normal. I knew I'd been hit, tortured, drugged, humiliated, threatened. But, somehow, none of it registered as "wrong." I guess I had so fully absorbed the message that I deserved the treatment that I never even questioned it. A few years later, when I was raped (still as a kid), I guess I had such strong denial coping mechanisms in place that I just pushed it all down and did my best to never think of it. I lived out my adolescence deeply depressed and having bouts of derealization and depersonalization, never understanding what was wrong. I partially numbed my feelings with drugs, thrill-seeking, self-injury. I've always been emotionally withdrawn and secretive about my true feelings (which were more intense/irrational than I ever let on). Such was my life, and I thought this was "living."
Last year I closely examined some of my memories for the first time, and realized I'd been raped (though based on my fragmented memories and flashbacks, I think it felt more like I was getting killed), which precipitated a breakdown and the onset of full-blown PTSD symptoms (or complex PTSD, according to my therapist). I felt reduced to such a weakened state; for a while there I was having flashbacks most days, and often couldn't manage more than whimpering in a ball. But, there were other changes that were incredibly positive. For the first time, I don't feel numbed out anymore. It is scary and disorienting to face so many intense feelings for the first time, but it also feels like I am for the first time discovering who I really am. Despite all the pain and Sisyphus-like efforts, I'm so grateful to feel like I am finally becoming "me," even if it's slow going.
Although I've been a little on the antisocial side all my life, now I can't get enough of connecting with people. And, although intense therapy w/ a trauma specialist has helped, most of my insight has come from talking to other survivors. So, I'm hoping to build an online support network. Looking forward to getting to know some of you!
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