Relationship Lost and confused

[MD7]

Brief history, he suffers from PTSD. He was in Afghanistan for 9 years starting at the age of 19.
I met him a year and a half ago and after six months of dating, we moved in together right away. Just like with any new relationships, everything was perfect until the lies started. Every time I sense he's lying I will call him out on it. After a while the fights got intense. Memorial day he was suppose to go out with his military friends and we ended up fighting. It has not been the same since and he hasn't returned home. He would text me and say he misses me and loves me then next minute we're arguing again. Its been a week and finally he's starting to open u up more. He said that he's afraid to be around me coz of our fights. He has gotten really bad these past couples of months. He wants to be in my life but afraid of what he will do to himself or me when he goes into his rages. As far as myself, I am confused whether this is part of his PTSD that he's withdrawing or am I just not opening my eyes to something else and that this is just an excuse. I can tell he's on a roller coaster of emotions. He told me hes suicidal and he agreed to seek counseling withe me. Another FYI, his brother committed suicide few years ago and holds a lot of guilt from that. His mom adds on to that guilt and hes also afraid to leave her coz he feels that he's the only one shes got. He wants to work things out and asked that I try to understand him.

looking for answers

 

[Sweetpea76]

Has he been diagnosed or sought any help from the VA?

One of the important things you need to learn if you're in a relationship with somebody who has combat PTSD is that you can't fight with him like you'd fight in a regular relationship. You just can't. Nagging, whining, yelling and drama doesn't do anything but set them off. All that causes stress, and his stress response is broken. He'll automatically go into fight/flight/freeze mode... and combat vets were trained to overcome the freeze/flight response. They FIGHT in that situation. They tend to get aggressive and rage/lash out. Engaging in any way is like throwing gasoline on a bonfire.

We all had to learn that.

If he escalates, you remove yourself from the situation. Say quietly and calmly "I will not listen to yelling/name calling (whatever). If you chose to do so, I will leave. Let me know when you're ready to talk calmly." Then leave the room. Every time. That's setting YOUR boundary. That's not telling him what to do, that's showing him that you have a limit. Eventually he'll learn that he's just howling into the wind and get better about it. If not, at least you won't be standing there to take the brunt of the lashing out.

 

[BlueOrange]

In addition to what @Sweetpea76 said:

He needs therapy. He needs to learn how to talk about things with someone who is on his side and doesn't want anything from him emotionally. (As his girlfriend, you want a loving relationship with him, which is an emotional want and it disqualifies you from being his therapist.)

PTSD is a reason for things happening in people's minds and lives. It is not a 'get out of jail free' card. It doesn't matter why he does what he does: not when it comes to the impact of his behavior on your life. Don't make decisions about what to do with your life based on whether or not he has PTSD, or whether an unpleasantness is caused by PTSD.

He needs to consider the PTSD possibility if he's going to change his life for the better. You get to choose, and to change your mind, too.

 

[EveHarrington]

Try to encourage him to seek individual therapy but know that you cannot force him to heal. He must want to heal on his own. Couples therapy may help, but what he really needs is individual therapy. I urge you to maintain strong boundaries and to not simply accept the rage as acceptable because it's a reaction to stress and a part of his PTSD. Do you have a strong support network outside of your relationship with him? :hug:

 

[dulcia]

He wants to be in my life but afraid of what he will do to himself or me when he goes into his rages.

Please understand that he probably isn't exaggerating or saying this to scare you. This can be a very real concern, especially with the family stuff he's got piled onto everything else.

 

[BlueOrange]

Please understand that he probably isn't exaggerating or saying this to scare you. This can be a ver...

Although I'm inclined to agree, we have no way of knowing, not at this distance :(

Most people wouldn't suspect nasty motives in most cases (mostly). If they do suspect something, then there's a reason at work. Very hard for us to identify the correct combination of reasons.

 

[MD7]

Has he been diagnosed or sought any help from the VA?

One of the important things you need to learn...

That's exactly what has been happening. I came from an abusive relationship so my immediate response to yelling and temper is to get just as bad coz I don't need that after my previous marriage.

Thank you so much for this such an awesome advise. I needed it.

 

[MD7]

Has he been diagnosed or sought any help from the VA?

One of the important things you need to learn...

Also, he has regular visits to his VA doctor but not very good at taking medication. He told me last night that its bad and he feels to separate until he can get better and I'm letting him be. I just reminded him that I will always be here and he agreed to couple's counseling and also seeing an independent psychiatrist.

 

[MD7]

In addition to what @Sweetpea76 said:

He needs therapy. He needs to learn how to...

Thank you for your advise. We are seeking counseling as a couple and for him as well. I don't think the VA has done anything for him and since he has good insurance thru his current job then he will also seek individual help.

 

[MD7]

Please understand that he probably isn't exaggerating or saying this to scare you. This can be a ver...

I am concerned and have made an appt for him to see a private doctor as well as his VA doctor.

Thanks

 

[MD7]

Try to encourage him to seek individual therapy but know that you cannot force him to heal. He mu...

his doctor appts have been scheduled. and I do not have any group support other than here

 

[EveHarrington]

and I do not have any group support other than here

Do you have support from friends and family? :hug: