Hello, my name is Troy. I am 47 years old and going towards the collapse of everything I know. I had a career until I broke my back in 2006. Deemed unable to return to work in 2010, I have been on disability since then. At the time my two kids were 3 and 2 and I had been married for 8 years. ( We dated for 7 and have been married for 20.) When I lost my ability to work, I felt like I lost my manhood. I lost everything. I felt like a reject, disappointment and was embarrassed for my family. I could no longer provide them with the life they deserved. My wife stayed by my side thru the injury, surgery and recovery. I was a bitter person. Now fast forward to now. My wife and daughter have moved out, my son who is on the same autism spectrum that has followed thru generations of father, grandfather, etc. is living with me. Wife moved back home to help take care of her parents and my daughter enrolled in public school after being homeschooled for 3 years. Wife informed me she was numb and sad and wasn't in love with me anymore. Nothing is going the right direction anymore. I never got over losing my job, added to having to see my son dealing with autism that was ignored all my childhood and it just piles on top. I feel like an idiot for even posting this. I can't socialize in crowds, I don't have but one friend and with family coming apart, the failure feeling is mounting more and more daily. Everyone who knows me thinks I am so smart, could do anything etc. but they just only see the image I put up to make to thru day to day interactions. Yes I was very productive at my former employment but it was all my way of coping with the environment. Does anyone else feel this way?
Hi Troy:
Yeah, I'm barely holding it together too. I had back surgery in 2008 and haven't been able to properly work since. Lots of pain, family doesn't want me to take opioids so I take Suboxone, which is OK but not great. Feel like since I haven't had any work since 2015 my life has no value. I live with my elderly mom and my boyfriend. He's got PTSD too and isn't doing well physically either. It's the end of the month and we have no idea how we're going to pay our bills. We have a lot of credit card debt from living on credit cards when we couldn't do anything else. We do have a roof over our heads and food; I'm really grateful for that. That's all due to my mum. I feel so guilty that here I am middle-aged and washed out of life almost completely.
We had Medicaid for a while and I was seeing a therapist but I had an 'episode' in her office where I freaked out about my past and started hitting myself because I felt so guilty and she quit me. Lost Medicaid in 2016 because I forgot to file on time and now it's harder to get on it. I did apply but the questions are so intrusive it makes me so damned angry. Both me and my boyfriend are not in good health. He has chest pains a lot. I have pain all over. I don't get disability because I can work from home in a chair, propped up, and I just don't want to do it because I'm no doubt in better shape than you (no judgements) and I know I can work, I just can't find work and then I get depressed and take to my bed for a week or two.
I have social anxiety really bad too. I feel like I'm going to say something embarrassing or stupid. So I rarely go out. I even am pretty careful posting anything remotely personal. Your post just really tugged at my heart. I get you, I think. I was very moved by your pain and very sorry about your situation. I'm not autistic, I'm on the other end of the spectrum--too empathetic.
All I can say is that since you seem to be doing ok financially, is there anything that you like to do that you could work on? I think people like us need to keep busy or our minds will eat us alive. I think you write well. Maybe you could write an article for The Mighty or for Medium about your experiences.
Did you have PTSD before your back injury? I did. Not being a breadwinner now is just another cruel stab to me because all through my 20's and 30's I was doing really well financially but lived with a guy who was a compulsive gambler and who abused me and I gave all my money to him and he ended up dying in prison and I'm still in a prison of sorts, paralyzed by desperation and depression.
You are not alone, I guess, is the point I am trying to make. My whole life everyone told me too, "Why don't you truly live up to your potential? You're so smart, you could do or be anything!" But the abuse from when I was a kid pretty much wrecked my self-esteem and then being with another abuser for 15 more years took the rest.
What are we to do? It's so hard to keep on living. I really don't want to. I wouldn't kill myself because my beliefs are that if you do that you will have to reincarnate into the same situation but worse, you'll have all the karma from the pain you caused your loved ones from taking your life. But every day is like a slow death. What to do?
Maybe hearing from someone who is in sort of the same boat will help you; maybe it won't. Just know, for sure, you are not alone.
Veer
