Lost Another Job..

[Deleted member 29311]

I've been trying to hold down a job although over the past year it's been getting increasingly difficult, because of my symptoms. They've been excessively overwhelming and my life has gone downhill so badly.

I'm a hard worker and I'm easily capable of working 50 plus hours a week which I usually do despite my issues, although I haven't been able to keep jobs because I hit really, really rough points where I can no longer handle my symptoms and I break down.

I got another job a few days ago and unfortunately I had to go back to a place I can't go back to.. We kept having to go back to an area that's basically one of my number 1 triggers, where everything happened. So after 2 days I pretty much lost my mind, wanted to commit suicide and dropped out of the job. I'm not on meds although supposed to start soon.

I'm just curious.. What are some of the jobs that worked for you? What do you do as a living, is it healthy in terms of not affecting your PTSD symptoms to a point where you breakdown?

 

[hogananjiggs]

Hey Cman

I'm sorry to hear that. Working is hard enough let alone having what we all have..it makes it very hard.
If I had to work where my triggers are I would do the same thing. Getting on meds will help and talking and mindfulness is going to help alot.
I'm in a job where I'm thankful that my boss knows where I am at (I broke down in front of him 2 years ago he made me go to the hospital) so there are employers out there that understand our situation.
Oh ya I work in a fab shop it does affect me especially when a long job is running and I have too much head time then I tank.
I hope something here helps.
Not sure where you are in Canada eh! but it's gonna be a nice weekend! Take a walk in the woods, listen to the birds and notice the trees and sky and critters. Hope you feel better☺
Later

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Hey Cman

I'm sorry to hear that. Working is hard enough let alone having what we all have..it mak...

lmao you actually made me laugh at the Canada part..

Thanks for your input and kind words hogananjiggs! I'm not giving up just yet, I'm determined to find a job that doesn't trigger my symptoms badly every day. I know it's out there for all of us, I'm just worried that I've been pushing my luck because I've had a ton of different jobs the past year, like a lot.. And I'm sure I've ended up burning bridges this way, although it was for a reason at the time, I couldn't stay, something really bad would've happened otherwise. I pushed through for weeks until I couldn't take it any more.

I've actually decided that if I go homeless, I'm never going back to where I was before I moved out.. I'd rather be homeless and move out of the city and start a new a life (sure it'll be rough living in a car or something for a month or two), then go back. I honestly mean that, I know it sounds insane although I can't go back and I'd rather live on the streets then experience what I experience when I go back.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I wish you all the best!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Hi @CMan

I am sorry to hear you're having so much trouble. Meds can help. If you have a love for animals, it might be good to look into. I guess it depends on your circumstances. If you have no obligations to others a job in the national forestry or national parks could be good for you. Just be aware some big cities have what are considered National Parks but I am sure there are secluded jobs in nature.
I realize it is the place you go to which is causing you stress but my personal experience has been if I work with a group of people at some point I will be triggered. It's learning how to cope in the moment.
I wish you all the best.

Alice

 

[hogananjiggs]

I really hope you find the right mix for employment. As for living out of a car it's almost summer so it can be done. All the best keep in touch if you want to.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Hi @CMan

I am sorry to hear you're having so much trouble. Meds can he...

I do love animals, I'm trying to save up for a little dachshund haha.

I'm currently not married and do not have any kids.. You may be on to something with the national parks and forestry, that honestly sounds like a dream job because I love being outside, especially in nature like that. It's heaven and so peaceful. I guess what I'm looking for is a job where the environment is quiet and peaceful, since noise is a very, very big issue for me and one of the reasons why I've lost so many of my jobs (too noisy, which would make my symptoms escalate and then I'd lose it and go into some psychotic breakdown).

My favorite jobs have always been those where I worked outside, although it was always extremely noisy which would ruin the experience.

Thanks for your input and help : )

 

[GrayOwl]

Hi CMan.
Your thread has certainly hit home with me. It's triggering some insights and observations into myself, but in a very positive manner I'm thinking.
You seem very self aware. That's an attribute that may be serving you well. It seems I've spent a lifetime lacking in that ability. If it has come at all, it's been late in doing so.
I seem to be more reactionary in my life - afraid to admit and move on; perhaps IF I learned and applied some degree of introspection I could better change my patterns and avoid repeating my histories - despite attempting career and geographical "resets" on a couple of occasions.
It brings to mind the phrase, at least in my case "Wherever I go, there I always am."
Work is the main focus and essence of my life. It's how I define myself, I guess. Part of what I learned in my upbringing.
50 or 60 hours working per week and tremendous intensity has been my norm. Almost like a soldier on a combat mission - and I put myself there for weeks and months and years at a time, until I snap or break. And I am currently in a bad place with it again - isolating, anger, issues - and I may have painted myself again into a corner with my triggers and another potential bad situation. Perhaps there are some good tools here in this thread to help me navigate and improve. Thank you.
So this thread is giving me much positive to contemplate.
In my twenties I forsake a career in forestry for other more illusory "business" or "intense" or "monetary" pursuits. A choice I deeply regret today. I have a knack and a love for the outdoors. I would suggest very strongly that you follow your desires. Know when to turn off work - and it seems you have a handle on that.
Leaving a job because it causes triggers is a wise decision - we must live within our means - too far outside that box , and yes, I concur, downhill can happen, and in ways that are emotionally destructive.
To more directly answer your question:
I've reduced my hours at my "career" job (trigger source). They have a grandfather clause I just barely made. After 15 years of service I can work 15 hours a week and collect health insurance and pension contributions on myself - so I cut hours to less than 24 hours every week. I altered my schedule and job description to distance myself from triggers and abusers - and obtained legal judgements (I got lucky on that) to keep abusers "safely" distanced. As soon as financially prudent - I will leave altogether - your thread makes me think that perhaps I should be looking harder at that. How much do I need? I need to face that fear more honestly within myself.
Working less hours there I buried myself into two other jobs that I feel I will enjoy and may benefit me more.
One is about two days a week doing construction - finishing concrete - its artistic to me - outdoors - and keeps me in shape. I've found someone that wants to utilize my skills in that fashion and pays me pretty well. Its a great diversion, outlet, and source of a little $$.
My other "job" is a work in progress in which I am putting together a main website, not too much unlike what Anthony and Nicolette have created here, to help and assist U.S. workers with workplace bullying and trauma and workplace issues. Support and nuts and bolts data and policies to create and pass legislation here in the United States to empower employees and workers to create better and safer work conditions for themselves, deal with trauma, etc.. This is discouraging, exciting, daunting and full of triggers for me all in one package. But I am finding that the service work opportunities that it is providing me are so far beyond what any mainstream "career" path could ever provide in terms of meaning and reward, that it is justifying the effort - and the healing process that is accompanying it is beyond measure. I've spent the last three years adjusting this process across Wisconsin and Upper Michigan - and have spent many a night sleeping in my car, at friends or family members, cheap motels; readjusting my "vision" of life to one that is simpler, cheaper, and more meaningful.
So I guess my friend, if I were to summarize - I would suggest that I feel you might be in a good spot to move forward in life and I hope that equates to positives and not "downhill" in your life - in that you seem to be able to recognize your surroundings - physically and emotionally - you're aware of trigger points, you're not afraid of sacrifice (my air mat and blankets kept me warm down to 15 degrees last two winters in the back of my car some nights) - and we all travel some very interesting and different paths. Success in terms of happiness and security (loyal family and true friends too) seems more important to me today than fame or fortune. Period. Exclamation point. I've rambled on long enough.
I in no way mean to lecture or offend and sincerely hope I have not. I just feel that you have a great outlook and awareness, those are great tools in life, and that gives you the opportunity to find the positives you wish for. It can take time though, sorry.
Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy your journey as you go. And if you don't mind share with us how it goes.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Hi CMan.
Your thread has certainly hit home with me. It's triggering some insights and observations in...

GrayOwl I'm almost speechless because that to me felt like it really came from your heart. I can tell you're an extremely intelligent person with an amazing view on life and everything around you.

I actually felt inspired by your comment more then anything, to be honest. I'm really having a hard time trying to figure out a reply, not in a bad way though and I actually felt for you when I read your comment and it was just really mind-opening.

It's really cool how you've decided to follow your heart and do what feels right to you. It's also awesome what you're doing with the website and I support and wish you all the best with it, I really hope it takes off because it's a great idea and I think it could help so many people. I also agree with you with the fame and fortune thing. I'm happy as long as I have food, shelter, friends and family and as long as I'm true to who I am. I also follow my gut feeling and I try to take care of my emotional being and my soul, because those two things were extremely damaged for a long time and my emotional being still is, although better now that I've worked on following my gut and staying away from things and places that cause me distress. I could never go back to where I was because I was in an extremely bad place, I wouldn't have lasted another month so I'm happy I left when I did.

One of the most important things for me and one of my biggest values, is that I'm never going to compromise my integrity for the sake of money and status as well. I could lose everything I have and not care as long as I have the things mentioned above.. I barely have any material possessions, I live very minimally. I guess part of the reason why I do is because of my circumstances with PTSD, I'm quite broke.. although I also think that when you go through very intense, emotional and traumatic experiences in life, you can some times learn to appreciate what really matters. This is probably why I'm not afraid of living in my car for a while, as opposed to going back to a place that makes me feel like I've completely gone insane and dead inside. I'd rather do something that makes me somewhat happy, then to feel like I'm going to have a breakdown every day just for the sake of having a ton of money. Unfortunately I personally know people who live this way, they abuse alcohol and stuff just to get through the day.. It's sad because in the end life will be over and they'll probably realize they were asleep and unhappy the entire time, that a ton of money and the status in the end didn't mean anything.

You learn to see things for what they are. It's like we live in a world full of materialism and smoke and mirrors. Although again.. when you go through years of traumatic events you see everything differently. I remember a time when I didn't think the way I do now and I didn't experience the world the same way I do now. I remember what it was like before I had PTSD. As much as PTSD is a curse, it's been a blessing in disguise as well because it's opened my eyes a lot. I'm not saying this in a bragging manner in any way, it's just taught me to listen to my heart and instincts and to become extremely in tune with my internal and external events.

You seem to have gone through a lot and as much as I know there's so many details to your story that can't be told without a long conversation or something, it's motivating.

You haven't offended or lectured me at all, you've done the complete opposite of that.. Like I said, you've inspired me and you seem like a really interesting and intelligent person and honestly if we ever had the chance to talk further, I'd be really happy to. So thank you, I genuinely enjoyed reading what you had to say!

 

[GrayOwl]

Ah, thank you for the compliments.
Well spoken as well. PTSD and hardship can have hidden blessings, so true. Sometimes hard to view it that way as we travel through it. Live and learn. What's that saying: "That which does not destroy us, makes us stronger."
For tonight I better keep it simple, turn the mind off, enjoy some simple pleasures. It's an hour drive to the daughters from my little office - but its indoor plumbing and a couch (LOL) for the night. Some good tunes and maybe an ice cream......
Nice chatting. I'd enjoy more as well. Take care.

 

[GrayOwl]

Hey Cman,
I'm hitting the road for a couple days, heading up to Upper Michigan to gather some personal belongings and sort them out.
Actually using it as some quiet time to get away from hustle and the world.
Just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing. I hope things are working out for you. Leave a message if you want :tup::tdown: and let me know how things are goin. Hope life is treating you well..... Take care.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Hey Cman,
I'm hitting the road for a couple days, heading up to Upper Michigan to gather some personal...

Hey GrayOwl, hope all goes well and that you manage to get some quiet time!

I'm doing alright, I recently just got a little abandoned kitty for free, my girlfriend's friend found her and her sister abandoned in a box and put them up online, I took a chance and got one of them. Brought her to the vet and she's good to go, named her Munchkin, she only weighs 1.19 kg lol tiny little thing. She's a blessing.

Thanks by the way, I hope the same for you!

Life's been complicated although I've had a lot of good moments the past few days, I had a great visit with my parents last night which made all of us really happy. It doesn't always turn out that way unfortunately, so I'm extremely thankful when it does. Tonight's been a little rough symptom wise, although I've had the whole day to myself with Munchkin lol which has been nice. What about you, how are things?

Also same to you, hope everything's going well. : )

 

[Ellabella44]

wishing you well with your Munchkin. Pets help so much.