Lost stream of consciousness?

[Gorkysz13]

i remember only a few weeks ago that a healthy person has a stream of consciousness (like james joyce ulysses)! i don't even know how to describe what i have but its not that. i used to only think in pictures, i barely have an words. just a lot of blank space and sometimes i get music in my head. i feel split off, and my mind is very very veryyyy foggy.

is this how it is for others of you with dissociation? or do you have a stream of consciousness but its fragmented? if you are willing to describe to me how you experience life mentally/consciously i would feel like a lone. At some point I ddnt have an internal voice at all. i barely have one now.

also things that happened 5 minutes ago feel like they happened eons ago.

 

[Sweetleaf]

i don't even know how to describe what i have but its not that. i used to only think in pictures, i barely have an words.

I have asperger syndrome and I've always tended to think in pictures and such things. Very visual. It is common for people with the condition.

Some people just think differently, have you always been like that?

The only time I had a real unceasing "stream of consciousness" sort of thing going on, a stream of words, was when I was experiencing psychosis brought on by my trauma.

 

[Gorkysz13]

i would feel like a lone.

**i meant to say "less alone" not 'like'

before all this i had a stream of consciousness and a flow. now i can't see or hear myself and im convered in fog and i can't think critically.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I feel like I'm in a fog at times myself, too. Very in my head. Very not present. Very lost in my own thoughts, my own mental imagery, off in my own little world.

I've had problems with dissociation my whole life, but it was a different kind than what I experience now. Sometimes the autistic dissociation and my PTSD overlap, which can be very distressing in that my autistic dissociation involves VERY fast racing, vivid thoughts, it's like hypervisualization mode. When that focuses itself on trauma, and triggering things, it can be intense, and really distressing.

On top of this I have PTSD-related dissociation. DP/DR, lost chunks of time where I -did- things and don't remember, and the spacing out kind of dissociation where you lose touch with the outside world.

I never had a stream of consciousness to lose, so I can't really weigh in there. But, I know what it's like to live life with your mind constantly just going through imagery.

 

[Still Standing]

@Gorkysz13
Wow! I keep mentioning to my T that I think in pictures and it is so hard to verbally say the word. When stressed it is really difficult to find words to describe what I "see". But I can write with no problem. Do you find it easier to express yourself in writing versus talking, not then loosing your self in a foggy head? I do not relate to this as being dissociation, though. Maybe it is, I don't know.

 

[Gorkysz13]

yea it's easier to express myself in writing. this whole process has been a f*ck*ng nightmare... the list of psychosomatic symptoms would take days to talk about and describe

i think lack of speech also has to do with being so terribly dehumanized/lack of boundaries and my inner child is dealing with abandonment by my mother, which was the only real identity i had and needed at a crucial time in my recovery... but was rejected/distorted when i came home in october.

 

[Still Standing]

Does your therapist encourage you to write about your experiences? I find that writing about my abuses are so much easier than trying to talk about it all. In that, dots are being connected, and some understanding is happening for why I think and act the way I do. Maybe you need to see if you can write and then give that to your Therapist so it helps to put a clearer understanding of what you want to say in sessions. Maybe this would help you to not dissociate so badly and you will be able to see more progress in therapy.

 

[Gorkysz13]

I do. I do whatever my body tells me to do. i also make a list everyday of things i want to gain more clarity on, and focus on those and talk to my guides/angels throughout the day.

the trouble with writing is that im not fully connected to the truth of my words/things don't run through me like they would before this trauma so the weight of things doent match, and im too disconnected. if i tried writing now i'd get anxious (even now writing this is causing me a bit of anxiety). I also do this distancing thing between myself & myself when i write so writing isnt the most helpful thing until I can get through these barrier.

but now you mentioned it, I have gained more understanding of why I am lacking words/so confused linguistically rn so thank you?...!

i'm going to slowly start working through my barriers with writing now! <3

 

[Reflections]

With what little research I've done, thinking in pictures is normal, so is thinking in language. People tend to be a mix of the two and some think in one exclusively. So it's okay if you don't think in language all the time. I hear and relate to your concern though, because changes in ours thinking is disconcerting.

For me, I didn't use to have a stream of consciousness, but somewhere in my teens I got one. I don't know why that is, things seem worse as a teen. I do have trouble visualizing and thinking in general after DP/DR became a full on disorder. Fogginess is a big one for me. It's been worse the last two years. I don't feel like myself in a sense because I'm not the sharp person I know I am. Thinking and talking in therapy is hard for me. One of my recent sessions I was suppose to name my thoughts but I had none. Ironic since I ruminate, and my rumination is almost always in english. There's just so much going on I feel like I can't think or don't have the time to think. I just can't process information fast enough. My therapist is a fast talker which doesn't help.

I do feel fragmented. With thoughts, emotions, etc. I'm sure that's related to dissociation.

 

[lizbeth27]

Yep. For so long. In my case I think there are multiple causes at this point. Years of depersonalisation/derealisation, depression, isolation, lack of socialising because of other symptoms, lack of living, etc......

All are interlinked.

Sometimes it's a tiny bit better. But often it's disturbing. It's more marked when I see how others interact with the world and react to things around them, sizing up situations, etc. I feel like I'm going at a slower pace in general than how I used to. I used to have much more of a creative brain.

Most of the time my mind just feels fogged up, clogged, even! I'm so hoping that when I start this new therapy I'll start to feel more... alive.

 

[Gorkysz13]

thats how mine is! its very clogged

it's all due to taking acid 25 times (microdoses that slowly increased) while in an extremely abusive situation that i wanted to get out of, extreme isolation/shame, emotional neglect/abandonment throughout my life, family telling me my true self is bad, trying to get rid of OCD intrusive thoughts in self-destructive ways, my personal joys being made into sins, having someone mess with my reality multiple times in a day etc etc). I have literally learned how to stop time, dull my senses, stop flow, block large chunks of information, and remove/dislocate affect from my words.

I am finally finding a way back to who I was before but its been very difficult. I seen a shaman a few times, done energy work, been seeing a therapist multiple times a week, taking flower/crystal essences, done meditation

& ive been slowly realising how to fix it but I have to really pay attention to my body.
right now my mind is like a window that only lets a sliiiiver of light in before it shuts. & I have a mental block in my frontal lobe

also i highly recommend flower essences to help you get on the path to healing!