Other Lost

[PointlessExistence]

I'm a 46 year old male. I've been diagnosed as having delusional disorder, but I also fit all the symptom clusters of PTSD. I could probably even be labelled schizo-affective and even borderline. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do in general, in life. I have no direction, no purpose. I have some natural feelings (love, pride, healthy sadness) that come fleetingly now and then, but most of the time I am numb and/or confused.

My childhood was confusing, and I've never recovered. I'm on sertraline, which has helped me feel less depressed, but my whole way of thinking is warped. It's as if I am psychotic but without the voices and the hallucinations. My whole view of everything is skewed and scary. I have been prescribed antipsychotics now and then, but I never really give them a chance due to the combination of side-effects and not being sure they'd even work for someone with my condition.

Anyway, the reason I found (and joined) myPTSD today is because I was sitting in my car at the gas station while the attendant was filling my tank. I was feeling uncomfortable as always, with a million thoughts racing through my head. I slowed down my thinking and tried to gauge what I was feeling, and it was that I thought the gas pumper may attack me. It was illogical. It made no sense. But sure enough it was what I was really thinking under all the garbage that was flowing through my mind. And when I reassured myself that I was strong enough to handle him if he attacked me, I immediately thought about how I would get in trouble - how I would be arrested - how no one would believe that the gas pumper attacked me for no reason.

So here I am. My thoughts are a mess, but the real issue is that I am physically scared.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome. :hug:

Do you currently have access to therapy?

 

[PointlessExistence]

Thank you for the welcome :)

I have access to therapy but have not been using it. My thinking is too fast and too layered to really get much out of psychotherapy. I've never had much luck with it. Reliving childhood experiences bring out a lot of emotion, but it never seems to fix anything.

I am seeing a psychiatrist though, and I decided to try the olanxapine he prescribed (in addition to the sertraline). I've been on it for two days, and I already find myself stopping my thoughts and realizing that they're "crazy". They're still there, and I don't feel any more functional than I did, but at least I have a little bit of clarity.

 

[Abstract]

Welcome I hope you get some help and support being on here, I hope you are feeling safer.

Have you tried the practical skills based therapies at all?

No pressure to answer but what thoughts are your delusional disorder diagnoses related to?

 

[PointlessExistence]

^^ People knowing my thoughts. God tormenting me. Magical types of conspiracies orchestrated by the universe/God. Most people knowing that I'm different and that I never have a chance to succeed, like I am cursed for being bad. But not for doing bad things, but more for being born bad.

All kinds of grandiose delusions where I'm the victim.

 

[Fadeaway]

I think it great that you recognize those things aren't real. There is a clear difference in having those kind of thoughts or thinking of those things but knowing clearly that they aren't real and believing them. I occasionally get a sudden fear that people can hear my thoughts but that the same time logic tells me that it isn't possible nor do I believe it is possible. It is just a social anxiety thing.

Most people knowing that I'm different and that I never have a chance to succeed, like I am cursed for being bad. But not for doing bad things, but more for being born bad.

I think that is common around here. It isn't true, but life can sometimes make us feel that way.

Can I ask, have you experienced a traumatic event?

 

[Abstract]

Agreed. Its very helpful that you can identify these things so clearly,

 

[PointlessExistence]

I occasionally get a sudden fear that people can hear my thoughts but that the same time logic tells me that it isn't possible nor do I believe it is possible.



Can I ask, have you experienced a traumatic event?

It's not quite as simple as thinking they can read my mind. It's as if there is no separation between them and me. It's as if they have a natural power over me and that's how it's meant to be. It isn't clear cut, as in I'm a full person and they are other people reading my thoughts. It's much darker. It's as if my whole existence is wrong and they know it, and they know that I know they know. It's some real magical thinking, and even when I'm seeing things better, I will fall back to that type of thinking when I'm triggered. In some ways it's so ingrained that it's in my subconscious, and it's just there. Even when I'm intellectually fine, the underlying feeling is that paranoia and fear. A lot of times I don't even realize it's there because it has just become such a part of me.

I had some minor trauma - nothing earth shattering. But I had a very confusing childhood, where I learned I was bad, that I was somehow inherently "wrong", as in just not the same as everyone else and that I was a target for others as well as God. Now that might sound like I had a traumatic childhood, but it wasn't as overt as you may think. I wasn't beaten or even really insulted much by my parents. But there were a lot of things that added up - from my parents, from teachers, from friends' parents. I can't give examples because I don't know exactly the order of things and how they progressed, but I remember feeling this way since I was seven.