Lots Of Little Traumas.

[ground crew]

So I have a bunch of little traumas, some narrow escapes and some weird occurrences. Failed to bond with primary nurturer (mom), who did periodically, without warning or predictability sometimes physically "correct" me often from behind, and I had contentious relations with my siblings... MDD & PTSD history of domestic violence (victim!). so that is the diagnosis and very brief history of me.

current symptoms; downer mood, doom forecasting, irritability. currently unemployed.

on going symptoms: I've a pretty mean temper, usually manifest in a verbal tirade, a violence on my opponent more lasting than a bruise, so, not much in the peer group in the way of support. Family distant both physically and emotionally. History of homelessness since the economy collapsed and my F***you attitude caught up with me. No, I don't have an addiction, nor do I drink. Thank you.

On the plus side, got some good therapy, found a bit of eastern philosophy, working on turning downer thoughts to more positive thoughts. Mindfulness and meditation, workout regularly, reaching out to find community with some success. I have a stable address and I got severance.

So that means I am looking for work. Which triggers my homeless guy trauma,( no job means I will be
homeless) so that is adding stress. Then I blew an interview tomorrow by not responding to an email in a timely manner yesterday, so now self blame and judgment are coming up for that and the job loss. I am afraid I will never get a job or if I do it will be clubbing baby seals or some other earth raping job that harms my soul!

so yes, there are probably a couple of neurosis listed up there not accounted for by the major diagnosis. I suppose all this is normal for a complex sufferer. I feel like I am walking on a tight rope and the wind is at a tricky angle and gusty. I am afraid of a misstep taking me down. I have picked myself up so many times before, i am really tired of it.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello @ground crew
It sounds like you are working very hard at your recovery. Don't give up! You are doing some good things that can only help more as you continue them. I don't have any words of wisdom but know that I can identify with how you are feeling. Hang in there. Sending you good thoughts.

 

[ground crew]

Thanks. Too much time on my hands. I started a divorce recovery class. The divorce was 19 years ago but the nature of it and my level of trauma from it prevented me from talking about it 18 years ago. My exe was diagnosed with boarder line personality, I surmise her trauma (s) was much worse than mine. She controlled me with her "fits" which manifest in shacking and other physical symptoms but could result in sudden violence or acting out suicidal threats, sometimes I had to intervene and then she would feed me ego about how she needed me. Madly. We did a lot of therapy. We were eventually told to get a divorce. That was three years in. She claimed she was pregnant and so we had a son 13 months later. The chaos continued until we were told to get a divorce by a competent professional. That's when she went weird and attempted murder suicide. We survived and divorced and eventually I got custody.

Got carried away, I am in divorce recovery. I can talk about it now. I am getting better.

 

[Ronin]

Hi and hey, @ground crew, is it possible to adress your homelessness fears? As in get where you could go, make preparations for it, have at least a basic plan for that eventuality, instead of giving into the fear?

There's tons of jobs, even if not findable right now, depending where you're willing to go. Good on you for already having an idea of some that you're not willing to take, that's quite a start.

Also - if there isn't a job, is it possible to make one, with what you can do? Hand-made stuff, selling it. Contacts with other people & getting -them- interested in your other contacts, again business possibilities. Jobs that nobody else wants, even if it's being a clean up crew or what have you. Things like that.

It's not like your whole life's written off.

 

[ground crew]

Hi and hey, @ground crew, is it possible to adress your homelessness fears? As in get w...

Well, I have a couple of associates degrees in electronics and robotics, so the next trick is to get past the part in the interview where they ask about credit rating and homeless history. Right, they cant ask that in the interview, they can check prior to the interview. and if they do, then there is no interview. To be fair, I have been getting about 20% response to the short version of my resume. And there is one phone interview that went well for a job I would have to relocate for but aligns well with my values and concerns.

The problem is the idle time, setting here ruminating on the future. Since the past 56 years pretty much sucked, the next year or two most certainly will suck.

I have some designs, one in particular that could make a phone app and actually help some people, but the lead time is longer than my hang time. It would however fill some of the idle time.... this is a good suggestion, thanks.

 

[ground crew]

Cool, I think I got a job and I start monday!

 

[Ronin]

Congratulations, and glad to hear back from you. All the best with your new employment. :)

 

[ground crew]

So, no, i did not get a job. yet. I have an interview for a job that will take me to the Richmond area tomorrow. it is cool and high tech and as long as they stay out of the DOD applications for the technology, I can work for them. (I could have been working for the various offensive weapons manufacturers for the last 20 years but it does not agree with my values.) There are many humanitarian applications for the tech.

In the mean time, I have not been entirely idled in the intervening weeks since I last posted. I am keeping up with my work out regime, even expanded it. I have gotten back to riding bicycles for aerobic exercise. It is also a low cost way to commute. I am interacting on line more. I have attempted to go to meet ups focused on inventors, startups and technology. I am always the outsider, less so among the techys. Still a distant observer of the activities.

I can hang a couple of more months on the severance, but there is a homeless and hungry specter in the mist of the future and I am apprehensive. I am in action which distracts from the fear but the fear is still there.

 

[Kintsugi]

I just wanted to respond to you to say that you sound like a very strong person with the will to survive and thrive. Also, you write beautifully. I am sending you hugs if you accept such things.

 

[ground crew]

Thanks for both the hugs and the compliment.

 

[SnowJo]

So I have a bunch of little traumas, some narrow escapes and some weird occurrences. Failed to bond...

You Rock ground crew. Never give up on you! Feel what you need to make it all rocket fuel to propel you forward. I believe in you. (Your mum sounds like a nasty piece of work, makes me wish I could have stopped that from happening and comforted you after to say dude... not your fault, she got issues!)

I used to be really nice to people... dissociates lots and held "roles" well at work for a year or two anyhoo. I guess most of the time I still am, but I have moments of being a really outspoken now :-(. Before I would have to leave or move to another department because I do not let asssssholes bully me ongoing and unlike others who learn to ignore or walk away , (I become like a red rag to a bulll, seeing injustice inflaming my sense of what's right and wrong)... so anyway I have been suffering from "asshole syndrome" for probably 4 years now, that seeing it in others and also becoming it myself for the last 3 years really badly..

I have been trying to do all the "work" in therapy seems to have made me a very grumpy outspoken moody person of late.... so am determined I am going back to work hell or high water end of this year is when I will start making moves.. but I intend to aim high and have a cover story for my absence ( got a few photos will have a gallery showing as you can hire them for $100) then use that as my cover. I am going to deploy some strategies I used when I first got here with no money, not much of anything. . BUT I was keen and teachable and I invested in learning everything there was to know about a job. Including reading every thing on any websites or posts. Then I would pretend in my head I was the person hiring and write down 10 or more questions I would want to know about me and or my skills for the job. Then I would write answers for those questions and practise answering them. Standing and out loud. . Like I was rehearsing for an acting role... I would spend enormous energy on this. And we'll the jobs I got were the equivalent of winning lot back then. The higher up the easier it is btw.. ok I really am rooting for you!!! Go ground crew! Oh plus I bought old suit for $5 from salvation army and spruced myself up and walked like I already had the job.

 

[SnowJo]

behind the scenes, I had walked out of my business I had built up in the USA and all the cars and fled with $200 and a baby, I was lucky enough to have a house to stay in until I found work, but the relationship with my mother who owned the house and was overseas... sounds similar to yours... she was a nasty biaaatch back then (different now thank dog), and a race for time was on, I would rather walk on hot coals than live with her.
So I applied for lots of jobs, the milder and meeker I was, the less response, so I became boold, american style like I had learned from my x in the states - pick up a bit of swagger and arrogance - be overconfident... Yes (When I was a teenager I would hide behind doors from people and lock myself in my room - I married the most outspoken american in USA! I thought he was funny, but I am trully grateful for what I learned from him! I can do that, or at least I will learn! and well with this new approach Directly listing my top skills in a list on the front of my CV, got me 3 interviews! wow... how with non money, a baby, how do I handle this? I got someone to babysit for the day and I scrounged a lif to the city 4 hours away, I had no idea to vast sprawl of the city, so hitching from each place to the next for each interview was insane! I had ot hide my bag behind rubbish bins, then walk into these top IT offices and act "as if" and keen. I then got stuck hitching back out of the city one hour from home and lots of drama ensued, costing my mother money for the taxi ride back for the last stretch, but was worth it.
I got all 3 job offers. Now I rehearse for these jobs like nobodies business, I live eat breath to know everything about the companies, the products, the roles and everything is framed from the Yes, my body language says I can, I will, I do.... its a real test of faking it till you make it!. I had no degree, no money, little experience but hell I knew I did not want my mother to run my life, my ego drove me to win. I have noticed since as that was over 25 years ago that being prepared and showing interest counts for everything. Keep my sad story out of everything and go for the top! anyway I hope to inspire you somehow... Maybe humour could help you get along with the hirer, don't be afraid to try new things, and tell yourself I Can, I will, I do. I imagine my backbone is really strong and I am already in the job. I try and frame questions so that they start to visualise me alreayd being in the job, that is a sure fire way to help the process.