Relationship Love...or something...in the time of corona

[ConfusedinCali]

Hi everyone,

I had been talking to a combat vet with PTSD and TBI who was shamelessly flirting with me and also tried to me ask me out multiple times. We'd been friends ever since middle school and also tried dating in the past but ultimately called it quits so he could focus on his healing. Several months after splitting up, he reached out on text, and we eventually got more flirty since feelings were still there. We never met up again despite him asking me out multiple times.

Anyway, as everyone knows, this past week has been nuts on a new level for a lot of the world. We live in a highly impacted area which has just been placed on mandatory lockdown. His semester was abruptly canceled, and I was furloughed from my job working for a resort company. We both tend to cope with stressful situations using humor and had been sending each other funny memes regarding the coronavirus.

But then everything suddenly changed when I sent him a joke that said "If the virus doesn't take you out, can I?" He asked if I was actually asking him out or just trying to be cute, saying that he didn't believe me and thought I was messing with him. In the spirit of trying to be playful, I just sent him a winking face and said that either way, once this all blows over, we should definitely go out and celebrate. He said he would be ok with that but then hasn't uttered a word to me since.

I just find this dramatic shift in his behavior odd. I know that no one can say for sure, but could it be that it was all just a game to him to where as soon as I showed a little interest back, he lost it on his end? Or is it more likely that he's dealing with all the major life shifts that seem to be happening all at once, and it's all just too much right now? Any guesses would be appreciated!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Meh... I’d give him some time and see what happens. It could be anything honestly. PTSD, current events, or even typical “enjoying the chase”. Who knows?

 

[Mytime]

I agree with @Sweetpea76, just see what happens with time. Just continue on like you were before, sending jokes.

 

[Survivor3]

Flirting games can end up anywhere. And your both responsible for each others part. If this brings you enough anxiety to mention it on here and take up your headspace then I'd back off if I were you. Dating aside flirting usually warrants the question 'do you want to f*ck'? So do you? If not then back off.

 

[Survivor3]

Flirting games can end up anywhere. And your both responsible for each others part. If this brings you enough anxiety to mention it on here and take up your headspace then I'd back off if I were you. Dating aside flirting usually warrants the question 'do you want to f*ck'? So do you? If not then back off.

sorry I didn't word that correctly.

 

[RecoveryGuy]

I am surprised that you are taken aback by his response to your text. His response is exactly what I would expect.

He is clearly interested in dating you, as proven by the continued interest in asking you out. To think he would not hope your joke was serious does not seem like a reasonable expectation to me.

(in the next section "you" is not specifically you)

The cycle the relationship is in could (and based on my experience is likely to) be part of a pattern of rejection and re-victimization. For me this was the pattern. I want to go out with you, but I don't feel worthy or good enough for you. Eventually over time as the "flirting" becomes more pronounced and I add additional internal significance to the banter and eventually confess love or ask you out. Sometimes I make my attempts to gain your attention a "joke" so that if rejection does occur I can say "Oh I was just joking..." and hopefully be able to maintain contact. And since rejection has happened (repeatedly in this case) I do so knowing I will be rejected which increases by belief in the distortion that I am not good enough to be in a serious relationship with you, only as a diversion.

If you are not interested in being in a relationship with this person the mixed messages should stop immediately. Flirting should stop as it is a way of progressing to a romantic relationship.

 

[Survivor3]

I am surprised that you are taken aback by his response to your text. His response is exactly what I would expect.

He is clearly interested in dating you, as proven by the continued interest in asking you out. To think he would not hope your joke was serious does not seem like a reasonable expectation to me.

(in the next section "you" is not specifically you)

The cycle the relationship is in could (and based on my experience is likely to) be part of a pattern of rejection and re-victimization. For me this was the pattern. I want to go out with you, but I don't feel worthy or good enough for you. Eventually over time as the "flirting" becomes more pronounced and I add additional internal significance to the banter and eventually confess love or ask you out. Sometimes I make my attempts to gain your attention a "joke" so that if rejection does occur I can say "Oh I was just joking..." and hopefully be able to maintain contact. And since rejection has happened (repeatedly in this case) I do so knowing I will be rejected which increases by belief in the distortion that I am not good enough to be in a serious relationship with you, only as a diversion.

If you are not interested in being in a relationship with this person the mixed messages should stop immediately. Flirting should stop as it is a way of progressing to a romantic relationship.

yeah that's good. I agree with that. Very well put @RecoveryGuy

 

[dcb2410]

for my two bob's worth, i think a lot of people don't know which way is up at the moment as well. so much turmoil. lockdowns, job uncertainties, worries about health of family and friends. wouldn't read too much into things. lots of people trying to work out how to deal with all that's going on.

 

[grit]

I will give you two different quotes from your own story (hope it helps clarify things for you):

We never met up again despite him asking me out multiple times.

Ask yourself, why you were holding up and more or less perhaps inducing him into the same anxiety as you have now. He is not made of a metal and he is not a mind reader.

I just find this dramatic shift in his behavior odd. I know that no one can say for sure, but could it be that it was all just a game to him to where as soon as I showed a little interest back, he lost it on his end?

What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

When you noticed he was interested and asked you out few times, you nicely ignored and continued with the humor (good way to approach all covid-19 issues BTW) but when he as another human who can fail to see your interest or ignoring for whatever reasons (maybe another one showed up online) or who knows life got in the way, you are concerned and anxious but never thought for a second, your earlier silence on the same issue could do the same to him. This could be all that you may be projecting your own behaviour of how you treat others to him.

All relationships require some range of mentalization and empathy. Compare his silence to yours and call this awash. Next time, be more mindful about your own behaviours, motivations, and mental activities so you do not project the same to others.

All that said, it could be all honest, he is busy or other things are happening. But I just wanted to point out your own blind spot.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Hi everyone,

I had been talking to a combat vet with PTSD and TBI who was shamelessly flirting with me and also tried to me ask me out multiple times. We'd been friends ever since middle school and also tried dating in the past but ultimately called it quits so he could focus on his healing. Several months after splitting up, he reached out on text, and we eventually got more flirty since feelings were still there. We never met up again despite him asking me out multiple times.

Anyway, as everyone knows, this past week has been nuts on a new level for a lot of the world. We live in a highly impacted area which has just been placed on mandatory lockdown. His semester was abruptly canceled, and I was furloughed from my job working for a resort company. We both tend to cope with stressful situations using humor and had been sending each other funny memes regarding the coronavirus.

But then everything suddenly changed when I sent him a joke that said "If the virus doesn't take you out, can I?" He asked if I was actually asking him out or just trying to be cute, saying that he didn't believe me and thought I was messing with him. In the spirit of trying to be playful, I just sent him a winking face and said that either way, once this all blows over, we should definitely go out and celebrate. He said he would be ok with that but then hasn't uttered a word to me since.

I just find this dramatic shift in his behavior odd. I know that no one can say for sure, but could it be that it was all just a game to him to where as soon as I showed a little interest back, he lost it on his end? Or is it more likely that he's dealing with all the major life shifts that seem to be happening all at once, and it's all just too much right now? Any guesses would be appreciated!

This pandemic thing is difficult for everyone. Most people with PTSD are going to probably experience some intensifing (is that even a word) of their symptoms. I would suggest just giving him a little extra space/time and allow things to unfold. Maybe just check-in and see how he is doing in general in regards to any changes he is facing in light of the pandemic.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Love IS a deadly virus, friend..

 

[Sweetpea76]

Love IS a deadly virus, friend..

Love is wonderful... it’s not the problem.