I think that I know what Phillippa is talking about.
I use to be honest to a fault. I didnt tell anybody their bum looked big, but I didnt lie about things or withold information that the other person would want.
How I spend money, how I spend my time, etc. Much of what I really think is nobodys business. Before I had better boundaries, now its just easier to lie, yet at the end of the day-what does that make me, and how does it effect my self esteem.
My daughter has called and during the conversation, she will ask, did you just turn your computer on. I asked why she asked that, she says I just kind of fade away when Im on computer. I have told her no, but have done exactly that. The trouble is, that makes her distrust her own intuition, which is the last thing I want to do. I think I do this rather than say, ok-I need to go now. She is very energetic and enthusiastic and at times after a few minutes of hearing about her life-I feel like my brain is on overload, so I distract myself.
I have exagerated my medical expenses to ex husband so I can get my hair done every 2 months or buy a new pair of shoes or eat out a couple times.
I know why I do it-its because I dont feel worthy of those things. My daughter knows my limitations but I get sick of having them and dont want to talk about them. I took more xanax than prscribed this past 2 months after seeing my abuser, but acted sort of stupid to the nurse in refilling early. I will tell my dr. but did not have the energy to talk about it.
It takes a lot to stand up for yourself and say "I deserve to get my hair done"-not like others are doing without. It takes a lot of energy to explain to family that I am not where they would expect me to be.
The thing I have lied about most, or minimized, is playing slot machines. I have put a lot of money in them. Its kind of like dissociating and get me out of house. I know its a problem. Ive gone to GA and dont want to answer their questions and have lied as a room full of people have looked at me. Yet I know that I have to get honest to fix it. (never ever gambled before ptsd). I feel ashamed but know I need to go to the group. Yet, I can identify with the people at the machines when I am there. It is quiet and nobody really talks yet I am out of the house for a couple of hours-and I need that desperately.
I guess I dont trust that anybody will understand. I dont even understand. I want to avoid confrontation and judgement. It may be a little self preservation. Yet it does not help me feel like a better person. I have justified it by saying to myself "everybody lies to me" and I think they do. Yet in the long run, it is harmful. Lying about things that would be easier to tell the truth is also a symptom of co-dependency. Not saying what I really want or need is also a symptom.
