Major Panic Attack On Its Way

[Olivia Felton]

In less than three hours I meet with this stranger who will decide on whether or not I qualify for SSDI. I have all my documentation, my journals, and my sister is driving me. I actually have to leave my house. I haven't slept. I have been singing my lungs out, but had to resort to taking a klonopin. Waiting for it to kick in.

Shaking like a leaf, knowing that the nature of the office will mean my personal space is going to be severely invaded. Nor will I be able to seat myself so I can watch all the exits and have my back against the wall.

Also afraid that with all this extra stress will kick my ocd into overdrive and I will end up straightening pictures, or be distracted by any mess left on her desk.

I hop that the bucket I hold my crazy in will not spring a serious leak and I end up back at the psych ward.

 

[Bosco2153]

My heart goes out to you. Please come back and tell us how it went.

 

[circe47]

Good luck. I am not sure what you mean by meeting someone and them deciding you qualify for SSDI. Do you mean an SSA clinical evaluator or an ALJ (administrative law judges)? If it is the clinical evaluator, I really, REALLY want to wish you good luck.

The evaluator that I had was a complete idiot who DID NOT know diddly squat about PTSD and Major Depression. At first- in his report he said I was cooperative. Then, throughout the rest of the report he called me either "unwilling", "defiant" or "uncooperative." This was his response to my memory issues and sequencing of events deficits. My lack of eye contact wasn't recognized as scanning and hyper-vigilance to an unfamiliar environment. The fact that I came with a friend because I don't go anywhere alone was taken to mean I can interact with strangers and follow directions. Because I couldn't be exact with dates of prior treatment and all of my meds meant that I was unwilling to give more informaiton. That I intended, on my own, to stop taking current meds that made my symptoms worse meant that I was "unwilling to cooperate."

This guy even stated that I didn't remember if I had ever been to jail for my shoplifting incident when I was a teenager. Geeezzz! I think I would have remembered something like THAT! He also mispronounced my parents towns of residence. Sorry to say, his obvious loose grasp of the English language and cultural differences presented somewhat of a barrier in forming his opinions- in my opinion. I hope you have better luck than I did with my evaluator.

 

[JustBe]

Remember to BREATHE! You will be home again soon.

 

[snappy_turtle]

Sing your heart out, Olivia! After taking your advice, I now sing "i'm so pretty" from west side story everytime I start to feel anxious or hypervigilant. You can get through this. Just keep your chin up, stay strong and don't forget to breathe! My heart goes out to you. Keep us posted. We're here for you.

 

[Olivia Felton]

Wow, this was a bad bad day. I met with a clinical evaluator. She was so very thorough. She witnessed first hand a flashback, but was smart enough to let it run its course. She did call my sister into the room and asked her some questions.

I remember answering some questions about meds, and the incident that broke me, and my stay in a psych ward. I remember talking about why I don't drive (meds, hypervigilance, scanning the tree lines) and my flashbacks. Then I went blank.

My sister drove me straight to the hospital for a nice big shot of Haldol. My psychiatrist met me there cause the evaluator called him. I am still a bit woozy.

I hope that I don't have to go back to finish the interview...