Male Or Female Therapist?

[raven123]

ScaredofLonely,

I Googled "processing the trauma" and found a bunch of "ads" (shitty articles with buzzwords and NO depth of thought) for shrinks and the dreaded "see a shrink" crap. I marvel at the abject stupidity of this profession of mindless wanderers coming up with new schemes to defraud and perp new methods of elongated bullshit to justify re-raping a victim and their wallet over and over for $300+ an hour. I hate to tell the psychotherapy crowd but that is a fair interpretation of what 90% of that profession does. Let's take something simple, overcomplicate it so no one understands it or can make heads or tails of it and now we have a great career playing with people's heads. A small few good people among a lot of frauds is my personal opinion based on the twelve losers I ran into. Unfortunately, I got the frauds.

I just want someone to sit there and listen to my story and not judge and/or shove religion down my throat, or interrupt every 5 seconds with their psycho-babble bullshit.

 

[Rumors]

I guess my concern for you, raven, is that it seems that you continue to be lost in the aspect that it isn't a perfect fit. You may find yourself, now that is, in a less than perfect scenario to garner information to a better scenario. You know more than you did in previous therapy experiences therefore you know how to garner information that can help you. If you don't look through/past some of the BS that goes along with everything in life, you may not find your best case scenario. When people sell you that everything should be perfect and modeled to your needs all the time, they live in an alternate reality.Now, should you be paid respect, listened to, helped, etc? ABSOLUTELY!!! No question but you may have to listen (with open heart and mind) to some "psycho-babble bullshit."

I am going to try and tread with care on this next sentence and I want to preface it by saying that I realize you have an extraordinary story that deserves its own voice and I hope some day you are able to have that opportunity. I want to urge you to think about the fact that there are other men who are SA survivors. They exist, they have received help somewhere from people who were capable of treating men. Continuously you have posted here, with all due respect, as a victim of the system despite efforts to try and find solutions that may help. You don't embrace them, but instead you find reasons why they won't work for you or reasons why they are wrong. Do you really want help? Or, do you want to victimize yourself in a way that will retramatize you daily and prevent your healing? I say this not because I think you are bad or wrong but it is like a wheel that you get on and you don't even realize you are there. I know because I have been on that wheel.

NOTHING in life is perfect, Raven. Therapy least of all!!! Your healing process is not going to be easy and you deserve all the things you need to get there Raven. I hope you can see past the mediocrity in all things and try and utilize what you can to get the help you need and dispose of the things you don't want like religion.

Good luck! I don't think I have anything else to offer, not that you have ever asked. I will continue to send up prayers that your heavy heart becomes lighter and you are able to find some help that suits you. Best wishes.

 

[Rumors]

Raven,
Check this out. Happened across this site and thought of you! I haven't ever seen it before!

Link Removed

There seems to be loads of information I haven't ever seen before on any other site! They also have weekend retreats for men. Cool!

 

[raven123]

Rumors,

I appreciate your post, but I have no money for therapy or retreats. I've got $20 in my wallet and overqualified and too old on the last three companies that even bothered to respond to my resume/application. $20, that's it. That 3-day retreat is nice, but very expensive. It's basically for guys to meet other guys and know they aren't alone. I've known that fact since 1997. BIG DEAL! The closet male survivor support group I could find was in Miami.

The last time I saw a shrink was in 2004. I've learned more on the Internet and books in the last 2 years than I ever got from them. None of which should've been treating a male survivor in the first place. Mine shouldn't even been treating rape victims since none were qualified for either. The only one that had trauma qualifications at all told me I was hopeless after meeting me for 20 minutes in the hospital. I was there for suicide. So, I reported her. Since I was suicidal in a hospital, my report went in the garbage. I was going to see her outside the hospital till she pulled that crap. Not one of my shrinks taught me a grounding technique. Not one. I learned that from someone on here.

I posted the spiritual abuse stuff and you so far have refused to believe me, too. I was basically in a cult situation. You should go to a spiritual abuse forum and see us post about religion. You wouldn't like it. Doesn't mean I don't believe in God. I do. But, as an ex-cult member, I can't have much to do with it cause it triggers all the bad stuff. God is it. I have no need or desire for organized religion, period. The Bible was used a weapon against me for decades. I wasn't taught love like you. I was taught self-hate and control from it. I've been in the hospital 10 times for suicide in my life. Truth is, religion really put me there all 10 times. People that misuse religion could care less about their victims. I was a victim.

The simple fact is if you are a guy, you need money and lots of money to go to these shrinks, most in big cities, to get all this help that's there. $450 an hour for some that I asked. Cash. I've never made that kind of money, babe. Exactly what kind of help am I going to get with no job, no insurance, $20? Nothing.

I have an enlarged heart and pulmonary edema (right lung). Congestive heart failure. Hyperthyroid did the damage to my heart. I figured it did. And, I know all my past abuse caused it. I have no medical care save a free clinic. No medical tests so it's gonna have to get worse before any possible treatment. I take a blood pressure pill and a water pill. Both have helped. I can't even get a simple Xray of my chest to see if my heart is enlarged. I know it is though.

It takes a lot of money to do all the stuff you've recommended. I don't have it.

 

[Pencil]

Raven, as you should very well know by now, I'm in the same boat. You need someone, you really do. So do I. What is keeping me sane at the moment is this forum, and real, valuable connections I've made with some of the members here. It DOES help. Not enough to heal fully, but enough to actually start healing.

 

[raven123]

Pencil,

I'm sorry you don't have access either. I know the feeling. I wish it was better for you and me. :(

Rumors apparently doesn't get that about me.

 

[Rumors]

Raven,
Had you read the site in its entirety you would have seen that they offer scholarships to their retreats if you fill out the paperwork.

After offering to pay for your therapy appointments, I personally find it hard to believe you wouldn't be reading everything you can or finding someone who knew of someone. I questioned you about searching yourself to see if you really wanted help or if you were simply stuck in the misery of the situation but not really willing to step outside the comfort zone to really get help. I guess I have my answer.

Please go read the site. It is DEVOTED TO MEN and you can contact them and they do have scholarship funds for their retreats. If you truly want to help yourself, you will leave no stone unturned.

I have had several chats with Pencil here and was aware of her financial situation however, she has continued to pursue any avenue available to find peace and heal. I admire that quality because it is easier to sit back and do nothing except protest how unfair life is and how we were robbed. She is a single mom and the primary supporter of her family. She could file for government help I guess, but instead she works and still manages to find time to work on herself even outside of therapy. If I were going to have a hero here, most definitely would be Pencil.

Raven, it's not that I don't get it, it's that I don't buy into it. You can do better but you have to want that for yourself. Peace raven.

 

[fyredrift23]

She couldn't set an appointment with their counselor but he'd would call me later. He was there but couldn't see me to set an appointment. He never called. I figured I'd go to one just to see if it was worth pursuing. Since he didn't call and I waited around by the phone for him to call till about 7 tonight, this is probably going to be a total f*cking waste of my time and is probably just a thinly-veiled join our church counseling thing.

Hello Raven123 :)

Have you tried calling back or visiting the center since this incident? Even if it was only to say, "Hey! Such-and-such didn't call me!" ? I'm sorry you were so invalidated by the intake woman. She should never have tried to push a religious agenda on you, especially to the exclusion of your experience and what you were trying to say to her.

It sounds like no one has ever (in-person) listened to your whole story and allowed you to feel all of the pain in its entirety. Am I correct in this assumption? That must feel awful :( And it must have felt even worse to be completely dismissed and ignored by incompetent "professionals."

Again, my heart goes out to you. I'm not trying to pander to your suffering or pretend to be all lovey-dovey due to a self-serving interest or whatever. I genuinely mean what I say.

I'm not gonna offer "solutions" to the troubles you are facing in your life. I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be you and to have led the life you have led. I'm just genuinely curious about how you handled the rape crisis center not following through, and I wanted to show support for you, even if it is only a small amount :)

 

[Hashi]

I just wanted to share that the counselling co-ordinator at my rape crisis centre was apalling. She didn't return my phone calls, and when I finally got an appointment for an intake assessment with her, she didn't show up. I was sitting in the waiting room overwrought to begin with, then no-one came. I had to ring the office from downstairs to ask what was going on. Eventually someone else came, told me the counselling co-ordinator was too busy and did the intake assessment instead of her. The whole experience was awful.

It put me off having counselling there, but I failed to find any other options so in the end I went on their waiting list. When I eventually got to see a counsellor, she was very good and it helped me, although we had various ups and downs that we had to work through along the way.

I continued to have trouble with the counselling co-ordinator and the centre generally the whole time. It was wrong and shouldn't have been that way, but I had to get past that because I had no other options at that point. It was difficult, but overall it was worth it.

I sympathise with your not wanting to see a male therapist. I had somatic therapy and the only person qualified/experienced enough to treat me was male. I really didn't want to see a man, couldn't imagine being able to do it, especially since the therapy involved some touch. But I knew I needed this therapy and I couldn't find anyone else.

I talked to him and had a trial session before deciding whether to give it a longer try. I felt more OK with it after I'd met him and talked to him, and did go ahead. I might not have done, and I might have decided it was too difficult for me, but it was worth seeing him before deciding that. Again, there were still difficulties around the fact he was male, but overall it was helpful to see him. In fact, it helped me with the anxiety I felt towards men generally and turned out to be healing in itself.

I realise that the rape crisis centre and a male therapist might not be for you, and you need to feel comfortable with who you see. From my own experience, I'd take things a little further and try to still be open to considering whether you can get past the obstacles to the help on offer, before making final decisions, especially if what's available is very limited. I would never have believed I could have therapy involving touch from a man, and could easily have rejected the idea early on. I'm glad I didn't, and that I gave it a fair try first.

 

[raven123]

For the past near two days I've been writing about my rape. The details of it. If you wish to read it, I can send it in a PM if we have talked before. It's graphic and complete so be forewarned if you ask. I'm heading to bed in a bit. Exhausted writing my rape story then typing it up. Disgusted, too.

Fyredrift and Hashi,

Thank you for your comments. Yes, I've contacted them. They lost my number so I went to see them. I go see the guy again on Monday. He didn't even mention anything religious during the intake so that's good. Play it by ear from here. He's not a shrink just a counselor. That may be a great thing. Thank you again.

Rumors,

I, since I've only been around two weeks and you spoke to the other two, didn't now of your offer. I had to ask them, the alters Allie and Rachel, about it. I'm the main personality since it was my body 40 years ago. Allie didn't even exist when I was around years ago (1998-2004). Anyway, they couldn't find anyone and one turned them down for some reason. I didn't ask why. That's par for the course in this area. Thank you for the offer. That was very sweet. Some were former shrinks. I know exactly who they are. Wouldn't see them or refer anyone to them either.

Even with co-consciousness/co-knowledge, not everything is known to someone new to the system in multiple personality disorder. I've learned a lot in two weeks. Gee, movies and music totally suck today. Where do they come up with this shit? Why did they make Superman gay? LOL Thank you again.

There has been lots of switching and so forth in the past year I'm told so I seriously doubt they were capable of working much, or doing much more than they did. Things need to calm down in the system for that stuff. May have to file for disability if the congestive heart failure gets bad. Manageable right now I hope. I'm off to bed. Good night.

 

[raven123]

Rumors,

I've been there to Malesurvivor. I'm really not comfy around men at all to be honest and not sure I want to hear constant "how I was raped stories" from a bunch of guys (or gals) since everything is triggering me right now. I know I'm not alone. Some decent info on the site, but way, way more on Pandys.org. Pandys's article section is excellent. I've read through a bunch of it.

The 2 1/2 day retreat's they have I'm sure are good. Even if they give a scholarship, it's still expensive in airfare, hotels (they stay in remote ones a lot, which are outrageous, so you can't stay elsewhere--one with a scholarship told me he still blew $1500) so I couldn't afford it even if I was working around here. Mostly minimum wage jobs or slightly above that--applied for quite a few and turned down constantly as over-qualified (too old? lol)--waiting on a few others. Maybe if I had my $50+k a year job back. lol Applied for quite a few in my old occupation but haven't heard on the applications or even the follow-ups.

I've got to find a career job or therapy of any kind like that is a pipe dream. I'll see how the rape crisis thing for 8-12 weeks goes first. That's what I need anyway. I looked for support groups around here and all are narcotics/alcoholics (AA, NA) anonymous stuff. No sex addicts anonymous at all. Tons of AA or NA though. I've never even known an alcoholic personally. LOL Thanks for the info. :)

 

[raven123]

Hashi,

I was tired and missed your post last night. I'm sorry for what you had to go through. :( I'm glad it turned out okay with one of the counselors. I have an aversion to men. I just don't like them. I'm pretty feminine, too. I can hang with gay men like that. Butch, no. LOL Nobody, females included, is doing any touch therapy with me, period. LOL

Apparently, she lost my phone number. The intake was okay, but I got the feeling he learned all that from a pamphlet I've read before. I was looking forward to an actual appt. and he calls today and cancels. He "forgot" he wasn't in town till after Wednesday so rescheduled. Get your act together people. Glad I wasn't a recent rape victim. I'll see after Thursday. Thank you for replying.