Many Accomplishments!

[Upside Down Eagle]

I have not one, but a whole row of good stuff to report... it won't fit in the title and I'm definitely very proud of them. The first and most important is that I stopped apologizing for situations in which I have no control over my mind (in those moments, my mind has control over me). I am completely through with that.

Up to last year, I thought that I depended on people for approval. That I always needed to keep them satisfied, or they would leave me. It's gone...!! I finally realized, I am a great person. The fact that I have panic/rage attacks sometimes doesn't substract anything from that fact. It just means that I will have to keep communicating with my environment about the problem.

If they are still offended after that, it just doesn't bother me. It's no longer my problem, I no longer feel responsible. It's so liberating, I feel that I have finally become a grown-up, instead of a small, scared girl. I can exist on my own. The next accomplishment is I am seeking new help, have contact with an EMDR therapist now. My dad is financing the whole deal (which is in itself another accomplishment).

I quit studying at my last university because it was too far away from home, and traveling is still a bit of an issue. I did not manage to create any long lasting contacts there, and the university itself is so massive that you never get a personal approach from teachers. I got accepted into a different university now, I can continue with the same study I'm doing now. It's just much smaller and closer to home.

The final accomplishment is I seem to be recovering from the chaos in my head :) After my last attack, which was major, I feel much, much better. I slept an extreme lot. I stayed home and wrote about it, and watched Doctor Who, went biking. I applied for a volunteer job now, at an animal farm for kids. Hope I get it!

 

[The Albatross]

Improvements in several quarters! Congratulations Radise :tup:

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Amazing, how fantastic it must be for you not only to have made the changes but that you are no longer the way you were - if that makes any sense. I hope one day to have a fraction of this! Congratulations.xx

 

[Leah123]

Those are wonderful, significant improvements! WTG! Also, had to share how much I love Dr. Who, lol. I hope you get the job!

 

[heidi]

That's amazing that you have energy left to volunteer and that position sounds wonderful.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

You guys are great. :woot: Actually the forum and all the helpful comments and advice helped me with a lot of these things.

not only to have made the changes but that you are no longer the way you were - if that makes any sense

Yeah, makes sense. I do feel like I've had to let go of my 'old self'. Which felt like I was turning my back on a part of myself, a 'betrayal' of my self, strangely enough. Fact is I did not want to let go, actually I think I was holding on desperately, but it was fragmenting in my hands. There was nothing solid to hold on to anymore, no rock.

It felt pretty disempowering, rather than empowering. I've sat here, weeping, every single day for months. It gave me the same feeling that you get when a loved one dies: at first, you feel shocked, and horror because of an imminent reality that you can't possibly change. Either you accept it or you suffer. I was forced to accept it (suffering is not an option...).

Doesn't mean I got rid of my issues now, but I'm sure this is a big step. I actually feel twenty-five instead of six. Wow, new world! (Feels like traveling in the TARDIS!). Just discovered Doctor Who a couple of weeks ago, actually, and it's really energizing. For me its message is to believe in anything, to take risks, and laugh. He never takes himself too seriously, either. That's a crucial ingredient :)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Fact is I did not want to let go, actually I think I was holding on desperately, but it was fragmenting in my hands. There was nothing solid to hold on to anymore, no rock.

It felt pretty disempowering, rather than empowering. I've sat here, weeping, every single day for months. It gave me the same feeling that you get when a loved one dies

That's a pretty powerful thought right there, something I desperately needed to here and smoething I need to come to terms with in my own time and way, but all I'm thinking is:

Feels like traveling in the TARDIS!

I'm so jealous, I wanted the Doctor to pick me, pick meeeee!!!!! OOooooohooooooooohoooooooooooooooo oooohooooohooooooooo dun dun duhhh dundundun duuuuh dun duuuuuhhhh..... ***Wwwhooooooosh, Whhooooooosh, Whhoooooosh*** (and many other badly typed sound effects/music).

 

[snappy_turtle]

Radise, your post has brought me so much happiness today. I can't explain it but I felt this warmth and a smile take over me when I read your post. I am so incredibly happy for you!

I've come to realize a few months ago the same things you have about yourself that you mentioned in this post, but I was never strong enough to remember those feelings and hold on to them when the going got rough and I sunk to my old ways. I, too, have always done things subconsciously for the sake of others' approval and it really truly gets exhausting. In fact, it makes me feel so strung thin that some nights I will be so exasperated that I'll proclaim in a heaping fit of tears that I am just so TIRED! It took me years to realize what it was that I was tired of: tired of trying to make everyone else happy and in the process stopped caring for my own needs and tending to my own happiness.

I encourage you to do things that reinforce this mentality you have come to take on recently, and I support you in your move forward. You are an inspiration. :)

 

[LizardViolet]

So very glad to hear all these good things happening for you and inside you and because of what you are doing and not doing.

Your point about how hard it is to give up your old self, and that it's a risky and frightening thing to do, is profound and important. Seems to me that it's reasonable and OK to grieve that person, at the same time as you can feel relieved that that previous you no longer is suffering every day.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm just going to write my recent accomplishments here because they are really an extension of the above :-) I have been doing great lately (two months, already...). I got really angry a while ago for making a scratch on my table, for example. Five minutes later I suddenly wondered "why is this such a big deal to me? it's just a scratch on a table...". All of a sudden I realized I was making a big deal out of nothing, and I realized how funny it really was, so I started laughing.

My dad came to visit the Netherlands this month, with his two kids (my step-brothers). As usual, I shut off completely emotionally when I met him. I felt numb and couldn't feel any emotion at all (even though he is always emotional about seeing me and almost in tears). Later when he'd gone I could feel all the hatred and all the old anger bubbling up to the surface again like a volcano exploding... but I was aware of it. I tried not to be numb and I tried to listen to the emotion.

So I was afraid this would escalate into something uncontrollable again (depression, anger outbursts) but so far it hasn't. I'm actually pretty happy. Sometimes I get annoyed at sounds still, and I lose control at moments... but those moments only last a few seconds, and then I'm good.... I let it go. In the past I used to get even more mad, at myself, because I felt guilty for yelling. Now I don't, I just let it be there, because I know it's only temporary.

I was never strong enough to remember those feelings and hold on to them when the going got rough

It helps to write them down, and read them back when you feel bad. Also try to actively remember those good feelings, think about it every day :)

 

[therisa]

Thank you, Radise and everyone else, for the humour and the powerful progress that you have made, Radise. I hope, I can do just half of the steps, you have accomplished, Radise. Thank you, again.