Marriage In Distress

[sillybearmama]

I'm posting this in the hope that someone will be able to relate to how I'm feeling and share how they've dealt with their situation. My friends and family don't seem to understand how I feel so it's hard to keep talking to them about my concerns and keep getting the same answers. I'll try to keep this not too complex and see what questions you all might have.

I started dating my husband when I was 18 and he was 19. We started a serious relationship very quickly and moved in together within 6 months. We got married when I was 21 and had a daughter 4 years later. I've always felt very safe and secure with my husband, the love I've had towards him was never a passionate burning love that consumed me. It was the type of love that made me feel protected. He has always said that I am his everything and he would never know what to do if he lost me.

I have been in counseling for my PTSD for about 10 months now and have been working on a lot of my issues related to my father. He was both physically and emotionally abusive and I realized that I was pursing a relationship with him that would never happen. I just recently cut off contact with my father and finally feel like I don't need his validation to be a whole and happy person.

My husband has been feeling more and more lately that I am distancing myself from him, physically and emotionally. I also feel that I am pulling farther away from him. Previously I was attributing this to my treatment for the PTSD and the stress I was under. However I now think that when we started our relationship he was filling a need I had for a father figure, someone who was strong and safe and could protect me. Now that I'm getting stronger and realizing I don't have to have that from someone else I feel that is why I'm pulling away from my Husband. I've discussed this with him and he says it actually makes a lot of sense.

What I'm trying to decide is whether there is any way to make this relationship work. If I've based my love on something that I don't need anymore is there anyway to keep us together? I feel like I should move on but I also made a committment to him and don't want to give up on my family. I would really appreciate any thoughts you all have on this.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

HI!
First, Congrats on going to work on your PTSD!!

I think that you can make it work, because to a certain extent love is a choice. Also, it could be that since you are in therapy, you've developed the 'language' of talking about emotions, but he has not. Does that make since? Love is many things, but the most important is friendship! Everything else about marriage, falling in love, and staying in love is work. Friendship is more about being in the 'present', unconditional acceptance, and making a decision to spend time together. Maybe you need 'date' each other a bit, and let him get acquainted with your new ability to express yourself.

As one who was married 4 times, I can tell you that it IS worth the work, prayer, and patience! Especially because of your daughter! The mad, passionate, consuming 'love' that you think might be out there, is not (IMOP) worth it. It is too easy to think that those feelings mean you've found 'the one', and rush into things too soon. Those feelings cannot be trusted if not backed up with logic! My biggest wish would be to be able to have made my marriage with children work. To see and feel my son's pain when trying to get to BOTH parents on every holiday even now that he is grown will always be my biggest regret. I never ask him to choose...but his Dad...who is a Greek immigrant...guilts him into things. I won't ever play the guilt card with him...guilt has been my biggest enemy.

As Dr. Phil says: "You must EARN your way out of a marriage." I believe that with prayer, and your husband being interested in changing together, you can make this work. Maybe even some couples therapy. Good men are hard to find.

Sorry to go on so long...

Sending prayers & blessings your way!

 

[Nerdanna]

That's a tough one. My husband and I (married 20 years) are going through somewhat the same thing, but in my case it is the fact that I am burning out of trying to hold things together on my own for several years. He had been making progress until three years ago and has essentially shut me and our teenage son out of his life as he has isolated himself. He has refused to admit he needs help again which we sought over 12 years ago. 5 years ago he was put on medication and told he needed to seek counseling as well, but didn't.
I have gone to counseling on my own to take care of myself. We have both changed over the years, but I believe it is always determined by the commitment to the marriage by both partners.
Good luck.

 

[sillybearmama]

Thank you both so much for your affirmations that as long as both partners are committed and willing to work then it's worth it. It's interesting to get the opinion of people who are still in a marriage and those who are looking back at a marriage. I truly appreciate all your words and they have been a great help. We have decided that our relationship and family really is worth fighting for and that we need to work harder to keep it all together. I know it will be a lot of work but we need to keep at it for our sake and our daughter's sake. Thank you again! :D

 

[IvyMillie]

One other thing is that I think it was pretty good of your husband to be so understanding when you explained to him why you were withdrawing from him. Maybe, your relationship just needs a little tweaking as you become more independant. He might like you being more independant as long as you still show you do care about him. The thing is that I think whatever relationship a person is in--we bring ourselves to the relationship, so whatever problems we have may just be repeated. Your daughter only has one father and separating causes many new problems and will damage her for life. However, only you can make that decision. Sometimes giving things time helps to clear our thoughts.

 

[sillybearmama]

Ivy

I think you are right, I need to be sure that while I grow in independence I make sure that I make him feel loved and appreciated as well. Thanks much for your thoughts! :)

 

[violetclouds]

Maybe you should start looking at him as if he were someone 'new' - what do you see? Not the safe father figure - what else? Fall in love with the man that he is.

 

[Kristee]

I am in my third marriage. I tried really hard with the second one and not so hard with the first after I caught him cheating for the second time. I am currently seperated from my husband. I am completely broken inside.
There is a major life change that took place inside me just before I met my husband. I received Jesus into my heart. The change inside me was amazing to me and even more obvious to those who knew me. I have experienced a completely different love for everyone I know since Jesus. I adore my husband. I love him in a way I honestly didn't know was possible. I am spending my time believing in the promises of God, and waiting for him to bring my husband home. I am telling you all of this because what you feel right now is different from before, you have changed inside. That doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. You just need to let him get to know the new you. Your change will cause a change in him. Be patient. Be loving. Get to know the new hubby. This could become the biggest blessing of your lifetime for you and your husband all the way around. I definitely think you should put effort into saving and growing and nurturing you marriage. Your husband is one third of who you are. God bless!!