Marriage On The Rocks

[Aprooster74]

I can be concise and logically 'maladaptive' as the next soldier. The difference with me is that I do not look at the ways that Ideal with things in a negative manner. I am forever different from my fellow battle buddies as well as those civilians in my life. Why? My perceptions of what I willing confronted are different. However, I have learned that now I have to redirect who I am now in a direction that is conducive to the new life I now live. Which brings me to the following quote:

I used the short form to keep from having to write the 1000's of ways I have screwed up since 1993

This is a derogatory statement directed inward that tells me that you either "do not like???" or "do not know how to adapt to???" --- who you have become. The reality is quite simple. This is who you are and to try and hide, run, or change that is a road that will end in a cull de sac. There is not a person on this site or on this planet that has not screwed up in the 7 figure count. The difference is whether or not you are going to hold every 'misjudgment' against yourself or learn from it and move forward.
One thing I have learned is that no matter how many times I have screwed up? The screw up has never been 100% mine (whether 99 to 1 / 50 to 50 / 80 to 20 / etc...).

 

[Aprooster74]

Maladaptive is a term use by more than one of my therapists in a clinical setting. It refers to the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed while still in the military and not being treated for actual PTSD, but anxiety and depression.

The only response I have to this is:

We all develop coping mechanisms based on who we are. What works for me does not mean it will work for you. Telling someone that the way they have chosen to deal with something is wrong/maladaptive is to force another's opinion or idea upon another. That is a recipe for failure, but it is just my opinion.

 

[Aprooster74]

I will add this to the stack of books I don't have time to read because I am home alone with my three boys.

I have 3 sons, 3 daughters, 2 grand-children and a mother-in-law who lives with me because she was living in a house that was full or drugs, alcohol, and violence. Family will forever be there, but if you are not happy with yourself and who you are life will overwhelm.

No matter what you do, face, confront, go, etc.... There is always ONE person there? You!!! If you cannot stand to be with you all alone in a room then you know what you need to do. Stop adapting to everyone else and become happy with you. Once you can be in that room alone with yourself. The sky is the limit and the world will know because you will radiate that self-esteem without ever having to say a word.

 

[Friday]

The only response I have to this is:

We all develop coping mechanisms based on who we are. What works for me does not mean it will work for you. Telling someone that the way they have chosen to deal with something is wrong/maladaptive is to force another's opinion or idea upon another. That is a recipe for failure, but it is just my opinion.

Two of my favorite ways of coping... Picking fights & picking up guys... Are definitely maladaptive. It worked, and worked very very well when I was a Marine. Could have a different bloke in my bed every night if I wanted. f*ckbuddies. Miss the hell outta that. Had to give that up as a civvie (have they never even heard of regular STD testing? FFS. And don't even get me started on the wuv aspect. Apparently sex as a sport, or something shared between friends, is another thing that never hit the newstands). There's enough well intentioned wolves out there I could still play if I wanted. Especially since getting divorced a few years back I've almost climbed out of my skin a few times. But civvies just have different rules surrounding sex, and I'm sick to death of being the bad guy. Nope. Huh-uh. Not gonna do it. Been there, did that. Someday I'll be able to have sex every day again, whether just for fun or to stomp on a panic attack like nothing else known to man. Just not right now.

Fighting translates a bit better in civilian-land. But not a whole helluva lot better. Worse, if I'm seriously on edge, it's too easy to go picking fights outside of my weight class for the express purpose of getting my ass handed to me. I did manage to go have a little fun on 10Nov this year, but good old fashioned bar brawls are still pretty rare. Fighting for fun just doesn't happen a whole helluva lot. Not the kind where you reach down, or someone else does, and the two of you have a beer after. And a short fight to settle differences? Pfft. As if. Those are assault charges waiting to happen.

The list goes on. Theres a lotta military stuff, even PTSD stuff, that translates very well into 1st world living. But some of it? No effing way. Hurts me. Hurts everyone around me. Maladaptive for sure.

 

[Lurch]

@raydarluvr, maybe I'm just in a pissy mood today, but to me....suck it up buttercup! Until you decide that you can only fix you and f*ck all the other stuff people say you aren't going to get better or be happier. Now this doesn't mean that we don't need guidance or assistance form a therapist or some type of meds..

We all went through it with our spouses, some of us are making it through together. I would make small successes and gloat to my wife. She would then point out the bad stuff I was still doing. My response was, so f*cking what!?!?! I had one thing under control, that was better then have nothing under control. I admitted to her that I would back slide, but I was working to get things better for me, for my son and hopefully for my wife. Now she and I acknowledge when I don't over react to something, and when I do we, oh f*cking well. In the end we laugh at things, and I let her vent about the time I almost dragged a SOB out of his car for honking his horn at me. Don't know why this pissed me off that day, but it did. My response was yep, I did it, I'm sorry I did it, it wasn't the best way to handle the situation, but at least I didn't shoot his sorry ass. That didn't make her smile but brought great satisfaction to me.

 

[Raven]

I sat in our couples counselor's office, looked my husband in the eye and said to him that when I had to make a list of the things I still liked about him, I came up with two things. His looks, and his sense of humor. His personalit sucks. His attitude sucks. In two and a half years, he went from a 10 to an 8. What's he going to do when he's a 6? I stuck it out because I'm vain and shallow. I'd sleep with Ryan Reynolds over and over again even if he was the biggest shitlord in the world. I would just never want to talk to him. I never want to talk to my husband either.

It was a desperate plea to get him to change, but it went nowhere. I don't like how he acts. All he could do in reply was scowl and ask me what I plan to do when I'm a 6. It's besides the point. That's why they invented plastic surgery. That's why I look like I'm 20. I usually lie about the work I've had done because I haven't tried to change anything about my body or my face. I've just pressed the surgical rewind button a couple times.

Life may have chewed me up and spat me out but god dammit I won't look like it. I can't let that happen. It's one of the few things I still have control over and it's one of the few weapons I have in my arsenal. I won't let that go.