I joined, because I desperately want to stay in control of my ptsd and dissociative episodes. I am too mentally tired to talk about my past trauma, because it always feels like an endless tunnel descending deeper into Hell, with every memory I revisit. I choose to be high functioning and keep myself super busy and involved in life, to the point of exhaustion, because I want to continually create positive memories as quickly and effectively as I can, plus it distracts me from the negativity and darkness of the lingering mental trauma. Unfortunately, things may be going great on the outside, but in my mind, the Hell never seems to fade. And trust never seems possible. On top of this, my husband who truly loves me, is also a constant trigger for me and I can't seem to effectively communicate that to him. As a result, so much anger has been building in my mind and my brain just feels so darkened, despite my endless efforts to bring in the light. I need his support,but he is a rather negative person and it feeds the beast in my mind. I am hoping to discover some support and guidance here. I am so tired of visiting doctors and rehashing the same crap to no avail. I just want to be happy and bring happiness to others. And I want a happy, healthy marriage and family. Hopefully someone can help me discover ways to bridge that gap between my husband and myself. So far, all of my efforts have failed miserably. I need fresh ideas.
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Sufferer Marriage Triggers
- Post starter starbar
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EveHarrington
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Hi and welcome to the forum! :)
I recommend finding a trauma therapist who can help you process your trauma so that it can be put where it needs to be----in the past.
I don't know of any other true healing paths as coping mechanisms can help but don't really lead to healing as the underlying monster is still there.
I recommend finding a trauma therapist who can help you process your trauma so that it can be put where it needs to be----in the past.
I don't know of any other true healing paths as coping mechanisms can help but don't really lead to healing as the underlying monster is still there.
Welcome to the forum. I know you will find the support you need. There are both stuffers and supporter here. It helps a great deal to have both sides of PTSD. I hope you look around and read some posts. If your comfortable, jump into live chat. Wishing you the best, hugs if you expect.
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Thanks Eve, I know you are correct. The frustrating part is that finding a good therapist is not simple or cheap, and often times, it just frustrates me more. I once found someone who I truly liked, but it was an hour drive from my house and $100/session. Sometimes, I really THINK I am getting better and I get so hopeful...but then the beast comes back with a vengeance. I get so angry with my husband and take it out on him, because he doesn't listen and has so many habits that trigger me so badly. He's not one to see his own errors and in the end, I blame myself and apologize to him and he makes jokes about how crazy I am. I'm just so tired. I know I need therapy, but I also know that he will not come and he will complain about the cost and hold it over my head how burdensome the expense is...Despite all of the cons, I know I should do what is best and find a therapist.
I definitely find the hash, rehash side of therapy worthless
You can only go over the past so many times.
I found cognitive therapy particularly useful in my early stages of diagnosis, it taught me to recognise old patterns of behaviour that would generally quickly spiral into a much bigger drama, and divert the attacks as they would occur.
This got me through the very worst of my symptoms at the onset.
Its unfortunate, but 90% of the work is on us, the sufferers. Our partners can support and nurture, but its unfair to expect them to tip toe through our turbulent existence because of something someone else did to us long before them too.
Thats not to say your husband isn't a selfish ass, sounds like he might be, but you must love him a lot to still stay through this right?
You can only go over the past so many times.
I found cognitive therapy particularly useful in my early stages of diagnosis, it taught me to recognise old patterns of behaviour that would generally quickly spiral into a much bigger drama, and divert the attacks as they would occur.
This got me through the very worst of my symptoms at the onset.
Its unfortunate, but 90% of the work is on us, the sufferers. Our partners can support and nurture, but its unfair to expect them to tip toe through our turbulent existence because of something someone else did to us long before them too.
Thats not to say your husband isn't a selfish ass, sounds like he might be, but you must love him a lot to still stay through this right?
Have you thought of other things you can do, if you can't or don't want to do therapy at the moment. Reiki, yoga,brain gym ect. Somethings that connects mind,body,self.
If your husband is not willing to listen to you. Write him a letter, sometimes their better because he can't "say" I don't remember that. You can say " read the letter or email!!! And remind him HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE. Lol
You can also get him to read the supporters forum. He might have that "Oh Shit" moment. Reading the supporters forum has helped me a great deal and my marriage. Strength with knowledge, it's a powerful thing. Wishing you the best and happiness.
P.S. You can always tell hubby to take his head out of his ass. :hug:
If your husband is not willing to listen to you. Write him a letter, sometimes their better because he can't "say" I don't remember that. You can say " read the letter or email!!! And remind him HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE. Lol
You can also get him to read the supporters forum. He might have that "Oh Shit" moment. Reading the supporters forum has helped me a great deal and my marriage. Strength with knowledge, it's a powerful thing. Wishing you the best and happiness.
P.S. You can always tell hubby to take his head out of his ass. :hug:
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- #7
Mary 1979, that is a great idea. I will send him the link to the supporters forum. Maybe that will open his eyes to the fact that playful sarcasm is not a replacement for gentle kindness. I've tried telling him to take his head out of his ass several times before...but that just falls on deaf ears. He may need to hear from others how detrimental his "playful banter" is to someone with such low self esteem. Thank you ♡♡♡
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- #8
He is, by nature, a bit of a selfish ass. But he has come a really long way. I divorced him, actually, in 2008, then I got back with him in 2014, we remarried in 2015. I really do love him and he really tries hard in so many ways, but his sarcasm and negativity is just SO constant. For him it is his way of loving, but for me it is so draining. There is so much negativity in my mind that I strive every moment of my life to defeat, since childhood. I haven't room for additional, petty darkness. I want light. He makes fun of my overly optomistic attitude all of the time. He can't seem to comprehend that it comes with great effort and it is what has kept me alive. He basically laughs at the very source of my survival. When I try to point that out, he acts like I'm just Maki g shit up and that his is always sweet and kind and I imagine cruel things and ignore kind things he says and does.
I too used to do this. Go go go until I was so exhausted I couldn't go any more and then crash physically. Mentally I still couldn't shut down. That's called avoidance of the situation, if I pretend it's not there then I don't have to deal with it.
I tried that for 35 years, it NEVER worked. The only time it got better was when I decided to finally face my demons and work through them with a great therapist. Yes it was hard, yes it was painful, yes it ripped open my past, but I'm dealing and healing and I'm glad I did.
I had my husband come to some of my sessions with me so we could work on some things together. Once I'd dealt with my demons, things he says and does don't bother me as much as I understand he's not trying to hurt me. Plus he knows why certain things trigger me now so he understands more and tries not to do those things. Therapy has helped me to be less anxious, less triggered by the world. Our marrage is stronger than ever.
I'm glad you found us, I hope you find what works for you. Your story just resonated in me. My first thoughts were, "that's me! " Good luck on your journey to getting better! :hug:'s if you'll accept. Raven
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- #10
Thanks, Raven girl
I have been contemplating this a lot lately. I am just begining to realize that maybe it is a huge contributor to all of my issues...perhaps why my husband gets so frustrated with my unending service to each and every "cause" that will have me. I do find fulfillment in helping others, a lot of it, but I am starting to realize that this is just a "somewhat-healthier" form of dissociative behavior. I'm not unaware of my concious self, but I am completely unconciously about my personal demons. I think it has become my drug and my trick to avoiding therapy and appearing "okay" to the world around me. I spent 3 months in a crisis recovery center 2011-2012, 1 week in the suicide ward. I swore to myself that I would never be that "sick" again. My children really suffered seeing me go through all of that. I suppose it's a major reason for hiding my true state and mental condition. I don't ever want to be committed again
I have been contemplating this a lot lately. I am just begining to realize that maybe it is a huge contributor to all of my issues...perhaps why my husband gets so frustrated with my unending service to each and every "cause" that will have me. I do find fulfillment in helping others, a lot of it, but I am starting to realize that this is just a "somewhat-healthier" form of dissociative behavior. I'm not unaware of my concious self, but I am completely unconciously about my personal demons. I think it has become my drug and my trick to avoiding therapy and appearing "okay" to the world around me. I spent 3 months in a crisis recovery center 2011-2012, 1 week in the suicide ward. I swore to myself that I would never be that "sick" again. My children really suffered seeing me go through all of that. I suppose it's a major reason for hiding my true state and mental condition. I don't ever want to be committed again
@starbar , I understand. I too love to help others, as I have huge empathy for those in need. I think it's because we don't want anyone to ever feel what we are feeling or have felt. We don't want them to have to go through what we went through. Plus it just makes us feel good.
The problem is the abuse or whatever we suffered from is like a rotten spot on a piece of fruit. If you don't Get rid of the rotten spot, it spreads and the whole piece of fruit spoils or it spreads to all the other fruit in the bowl. If we don't get rid of the "bad stuff" eating away at us, let it out so it can't rot us on the inside ..whether through therapy or whatever works for us then we'll be like the fruit and it will continue to spread and cause problems for us and possibly even our families.
We aren't weak to get help, we're strong enough to Admit we need help and ask for it. No 2 things work for everyone, and You need to do what works for you. I just don't want you to get so lost in helping others that you forget about the most important person to help: You. ♡ ;):):hug:'s Raven
The problem is the abuse or whatever we suffered from is like a rotten spot on a piece of fruit. If you don't Get rid of the rotten spot, it spreads and the whole piece of fruit spoils or it spreads to all the other fruit in the bowl. If we don't get rid of the "bad stuff" eating away at us, let it out so it can't rot us on the inside ..whether through therapy or whatever works for us then we'll be like the fruit and it will continue to spread and cause problems for us and possibly even our families.
We aren't weak to get help, we're strong enough to Admit we need help and ask for it. No 2 things work for everyone, and You need to do what works for you. I just don't want you to get so lost in helping others that you forget about the most important person to help: You. ♡ ;):):hug:'s Raven
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- #12
I love that analogy, Raven. It makes so much sense. And the most difficult thing for me lately,is that I have been begining to question my own motives for serving. I think because I have those rotten spots of trauma. I have been wondering, do I serve only for selfish reasons? To ease my own suffering. Of course I dont, but when I get down, that is one way I tend to abuse myself mentally, to rob myself of my own knowledge that I love to a fault...even strangers. I demonize my own kindness. It's just a way I punish and hate on myslef when I feel I don't deserve good things, or when I serve so much that others take notice and continually comment. Perhaps I feel them judging my motives and I jump on that band wagon with them, judging myself. But at the end of the day, deep inside, I do know that I just can't bear to see others suffer. I'd rather take that suffering for them. Codependency. Right?
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