Relationship Married To Two Different People

[Toria]

Can anyone else identify with this?

We went to see Husband's family on Friday night, it was his niece's 18th birthday and we went up there as a surprise and met them in a pub for quiet drinks.

So - Husband-the-perfect appeared. Smiley, laughing, chatty, life a soul of the party, happy, NICE, kind, unargumentative and pretty normal. EG MAKING AN EFFORT

Came home on Saturday afternoon - one wheel on our road and he starts ranting and raving about parking. One foot in the house and he starts having a go at me.

Three hours back in the house and he's jabbering away at 100 miles an hour.

This morning I wake up to find him poking me so I roll over as I'm still mainly asleep - or would really like to be. He gets up and he doesn't speak to me for the next three hours.

I know, I know - he feels as if he can be himself when he is around me. But I don't want that - I want him to make an effort for me. I've seen he CAN do it. He can be perfectly lovely to his family. It's his own wife he seems to hate.

I had thought about saying something - along the lines of "you seem a little stressed since we got back" but I just know that it would be turned around and I would be the one that was stressed and taking it out on him.

I apologise to any Sufferers that may be offended by my comments above - but I feel so low. It was so nice to see the old him, but that's not my husband evidently - that's the person other people get. But not me.

 

[wife of]

Ouch...that drives me to despair when that happens.

It's like everyone else gets the best of him and theres nothing left for me.

It's a bit like taking a big cake to a party and going for your slice only to find the dirty dish left.

My advice....take your slice first!

If there is a next time stipulate that whilst you understand the rebound effect of the good stress he must treat you with respect. Even if that just means him asking politely to be left alone for a while to wind down.

For me it's akin to taking a small child to a party....they can only be on thier best behaviour for so long before becomming overwhelmed...

 

[Pale Warrior]

Yep, recognise this one.

And when we see a doctor and he comes over all "fine and happy", I jump in and sound like the voice of doom. Before getting it in the neck on the way home for "grassing him up".

Find a door and slam it.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I feel bad hearing this. You need to sit down and talk to him and say things you said in this post.

I applaud you for wanting to be a supporter, but you don't need to put up with abuse. I would seek counseling/therapy for the both of you. And learn about boundaries for yourself. Speak to a therapist about his Dr. Jeckel/ Mr. Hide "issues".

I would think most supporters are in a relationships where there is already mutual love and respect. The PTSD suffer has "issues" that are tolerated, understood, and accepted by the supporter. But the love and respect are already in tact.

Just because he has PTSD doesn't give him the right to abuse you. You are not a punching bag for verbal emotional, or physical abuse.

Try to open the lines of communication. How long have you been in this relationship? How much do you know about his PTSD? What are his triggers? Does he treat you like this often? Do you already have a relationship built on love and respect?

I'm no expert, this is just my opinion.

I truly hope things work out to your satisfaction. good luck

 

[woundedsoul]

I can entirely relate. Dr. Jeckyyl and Mr. Hyde syndrome. Mine puts on the same laughing, joking, happy, persona in public. In private when he lets his guard down, everyone scatters. It's sad and very hard to live with.

 

[Beverly G.]

I'm very sorry things are difficult for you with your husband. I think it might be part of the job of a supporter. I am assuming he is the one with PTSD.

I kind of play his role in this equasion. I hate the idea of my family knowing just how badly I am hurting so I do everything in my power to show them I am ok. But when I'm back to real life and everyday stress I go back inside myself. I am afraid it is my husband who suffers the most at my mood swings. I would never intentionally hurt him it just feels like the effort to completely control every thing I do and say is too much on a daily basis. Praise the Lord my husband does not take it personally too often.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not one as much to act out but do clam up/ despair/ isolate.

Does he have resentments he's harbouring? It's not right he should act that way to you (regardless of ptsd). :(

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Mine puts on the same laughing, joking, happy, persona in public. In private when he lets his guard down, everyone scatters.

I feel bad for both of you, WS & Toria. My ex was like this too, but he didn't have PTSD, he was just a ignorant jerk.

For supporters It's a good idea to be very keen on the subtle differences of (sufferers) acting out due to fear, and triggers, vs. intolerable, mean, rude or abusive behavior. No one deserves that. PTSD is not an excuse to treat loved ones with disrespect, rude, or abusive behavior.

I guess communication is the answer because knowing your sufferers' fears, triggers etc. you will be able to understand and "support" in an appropriate way when the time comes. Just as important to communicate your boundaries to your PTSD sufferer, your willingness to support, however be sure to talk about your unwillingness to be stepped-on, treated mean or abused.

Toria, I hate to think that you are experiencing that type of behavior on a frequent basis. Hope not.

Hope things get worked out.

 

[Trembling]

Dear Toria, as the others already mentioned, communication is the best, but we all know how hard it is to be able to quietly tell them what we actually mean, without triggering something. Maybe there are a few quiet moments you two have together, and then you can suggest to talk? It is always hard to give advises, but you have to know that you find support here.

Do not live with it on a daily basis, as it will ruin yourself. You are important, too.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think like any marriage you should be able to speak on any subject without having fear of being minimized, demeaned, or walking on eggshells.
Like FlyingSolo said, timing means a lot, as does recognizing when someone is reacting solely with fear.
Yes, it takes practise, but it's still each person's responsibility. A 'carer' could just as easily act (or react) the same in the name of the added stress and responsibilty they are under.

It's hard to deal with others' rage. :(

 

[dennis k gonnerman]

I imagine I can relate.Having said that, I will rant before I give my insight. (sorry)

My trauma started in childhood, peaked in combat (Army Vet); and I think in all honesty I lost whomever the real me was, long before I even knew who I was. I'm married now, with 2 children under the age of two and a wife, also in the military. I've been told I'm more or less mentally abusive. I don't know how or when that started, but it's just what my wife pointed out to me a while back. I guess the lack of childhood and combat have packed me into this nice shit sandwich, yet I remain hopeful. It's hard to talk of my past and make progress, as I've completed disassociated from it. It's even harder to talk about combat related issues, when my wife nor my family know or can relate to my experiences. I think it's even harder to talk about them.

As for your husband and situation, I have some insight. As men, we feel after being married for a hot minute, we don't have to try anymore. We feel we're married, we shouldn't have to try to impress nor amaze. However I know that (now) to the be the wrong answer. Just give him patience and understanding, but talk to him about it. It's very hard for some of us guys to show the pain and hurt; the ignorant and dirty side of us to our wives, let alone our friends and family. To be what others want or expect us to be, is something we pride ourselves in.

Let him know you enjoy the effort from time to time, and he would enjoy your effort, in response to the effort he gives you. (read between the lines). I'm just saying, incentive really motivates us guys from some reason. No you shouldn't have to, but yes it helps us. Whether it's a night for you and him, or letting him do what he wants for a weekend. No attempt at making your marriage better can be deemed dumb, setting aside the purely obvious (and darwin award winners).

Life is a chore for some reason, and we never seem to realize this until after high school. Find ways to make your "chore" a happy one. Like I said, we don't feel we need or should have to try. We all let ourselves go a little, just find a way to bring that old enjoyable part of your past, and work it into a nice compliment to your present.

Let him know that (if PTSD is a major part in this) you are there for him and support him. Your support and his knowledge of said support, can make a LOT of difference in his life. That's my useful/less advice, as a man/boy of 26....and a half.:tup:

Dennis K Gonnerman

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya, it's strange, I've noticed so many 'normal' (average) relationships, that is the ones without someone with ptsd, seem often so boring and partners voice or seem to take for granted so much, including their relationship with each other.

But with someone with ptsd there can be the opposite extreme, not taking it for granted but doubting your capabilities to be in it wihout just being a burden or a bother, like even exterior (public) appearances aside, being everywhere but belonging no where, if that makes sense.