Relationship Married To Two Different People

[Toria]

Wow - thank you so, so much for all the replies. I kept scrolling down the screen and they just kept coming!!! Thank you.

There's a lot to take in there - and a lot of very, very useful insights so thank you all again. I'm going to sit down with a cuppa and give them the time they deserve and let them all rattle around in my head for a while; but you've given me a different way to look at his behaviour - as a reaction to the day before.

Thank you - it means a lot x

 

[Nicolette]

Toria there is a thread here somewhere about this but I can't think right now and I'm short of time.

To cut to the chase - the investment in others requires less than someone close as there are no repercussions. Therefore when putting on a face to be happy going out - it takes more effort to make that real to you than to others if that makes sense. As you matter he can't be fake towards you so that is why it seems he is happy to others and not with you...silly logic but that is how PTSD can work. The person who is the closest emotionally is the one they will move away from before others as more effort is required to maintain that relationship than with a stranger or just a friend.

Also, the change is the 'falling over' after the event...the stress cup overflowing and the PTSD coming out. It is those closest who bear this burden and are often left feeling alone or like they are walking on eggshells.

Oh... I so need more time to explain this. Argh!

I hope to come back to this.

 

[amethist]

Sheesh I get the married 2 different people Toria.

Hubby just blasted me for turning the central heating off, it was 19.5 deg in our living room, the sun was out and we have a big double glazed patio window, so it heats up pretty fast.

If it was mid winter I would not mind, but I was melting and he said he was cold.

Not 5 minutes before he was being all nicey nicey, because I was ordering bits to fix his latest bike project.

 

[ProudWife99]

I feel that way at our couples sessions. He is all happy and cheerful and "willing to work" and I come in as the big rain cloud, pouring over everything positive he has to say. It makes me feel, once again, like I'm crazy!

I'm about to start recording the way he talks to me and playing it back in T. That way, he can't say "Oh, that was just in her head. I didn't mean it that way." If he has to HEAR the things he says and his tone of voice, maybe he'll wake up and realize I'm not the evil monster wife who is always accusing him of things, but the one who only wants to be respected!

We have a couples appointment this week (our first in a while). I am not looking forward to being the bad guy.

 

[Pale Warrior]

And another thing...

I, being a bit of a research monkey, will come up with ideas and suggestions for healing/helping and he ignores and dismisses them out of hand.

Then some nice person in a white coat mentions it and lo and behold, it's the best thing since sliced bread.

The power of the white coat.

 

[amethist]

Or there is the one where you suggest something and then they say, "Oh you suggested that, it is a good idea isn't it". Or "You were right when you said that"

GGGGGGRRRRRRR