Maybe I Can Do What Comes So Natural To Others?

[lost4awhile]

I just wanted to share something with the members here because this is my safe place compared to other places:) Everyone is so understanding and supportive. I feel like my life has gotten so much better just knowing that I have support and discovering that I am really not the only one who feels all these crazy things. I feel stronger being part of this site:)

Anyways, I am pre-med and it is the only thing that quiets my mind, that I am great at, that I love, and the only time I feel normal and worthy. I am a total nerd when it comes to school and have alway had straight A's(when I was young it was an escapism, being that as long as I was studying I was not directly abused and it was good practice to perform under pressure, since that was always a constant!) I don't know if this is crazy or if anyone else feels this way, if so please tell me your story?

...The thing is that deep down I never wanted to marry or have children. I am 26 now and one thing I have always stuggled with and my T has tried to help me understand is why I feel like I would be a horrible wife and mother. All I have ever wanted was to specialize in some field of medicine, but never did my thoughts of the future include a family of my own. The thing is...I don't cry now when I think of marrying my boyfriend of 6 years! I know that sounds awful, but it terrifies me! I have known him for 12 years, he knows my past, and has been the best person who has ever come into my life! Yet, I can never totally commit. It took me 2 years to tell him that I loved him and it has been a year of still moving my belongings into his house and calling it home.

I hope this is not too personal, but I had a pregnancy scare and instead of being terrified, disgusted, disappointed, etc. in myself, I was excited. The thought of that possibility has always made me feel awful emotions. Such as, half the time I feel like a child...so how could I take care of a child? And what if marrying and having a child would be what set me off to be like my parents? I don't deserve that life because I would ruin it. It could be the trigger to make me that same angry, horrible monster as my mother and abuse my spouse and children! I am so scared that I would become that monster, that I have never wanted to take the chance.

But, I was actually excited!? And it has got me thinking that I may be good at this? My boyfriend and I never argue, we communicate about everything. I am very clear about how important communication is to me and he is all about respect. We sat down and discussed everything and he told me that for a few years now he has been wanting to propose to me. I told him I was excited and maybe ready to do the unthinkable in my mind:) I don't understand why I am not scared anymore, maybe it was the scare and how happy he was before we found out there was no baby? I saw how much he really does love me and how unconditional his love is that he actually wants me in his life. Deep down I know he does, but it's strange to feel that devotion when all I have known has been conditonal love.
I am scared some though and my mind is racing. I know I can do medicine, it is the only thing I have faith in, yet a family...marriage? Being a wife and a mother, when mine was so cruel? Has anyone else felt this way or still feels this way?

 

[Zipperhead]

I'm no expert, but I think maybe you were so happy, because it meant you had a reason to get married. A reason to "force you" to take that next step. Deep down, I'd say you are ready, but just to scared to admit it.

When my PTSD rears it's ugly head, I see my mother in me. The good news? When I see her, I know I'm doing it wrong. Suck back and reload. My son is seven. I'm getting it, slow but sure.

 

[lifeguard17]

I think the hardest thing in the world is to accept someone's love, accept they mean it and won't leave. Is there anything scarier than hearing the words 'I love you'? Possibly only saying them yourself, but not always.

I agree with zipperhead, it sounds a little to me like you didn't want to have to make that decision yourself.

But your excitement and cautious optimism (sp?) comes through, it sounds like you know you are ready.

Being a wife and a mother, when mine was so cruel?

Half of knowing what to do is knowing what not to do. You are clearly determined not to be her, so maybe you will be the best, most loving and gentlest mother there ever was.

I don't deserve that life because I would ruin it

From what you've written, I don't believe that at all. The fact that you recognise it will be hard means you won't ruin it. You are NOT your mother, you realise being a wife and mother will take work, which means you will put the time and effort in to make sure it works out.

I'm really no expert on this at all, but no one can make the decision to accept love for you. Best of luck with it all!

 

[ClairBear226]

Well, picturing yourself in a different life than what you originally had pictured is really a game changer, isn't it? Maybe you'd never allowed yourself to think in terms of a husband and a child, because you thought the intellectual world was all you could be good at. But a lot of people come from really crappy excuses for parents, myself included. I think the real trick is, using them as the example of what not to do. You can make a conscious decision about the kind of wife/ mother/ MD you want to be and stick to it. You're an adult now, but you aren't done growing. Now's the time when you decide who you want to grow into. Your parents don't get a say anymore.

 

[lost4awhile]

Zipperhead-You are right. I was scared to take the next step. How is it like for you with your 7 year old? Was it scary? Being from a traumatized homelife, did you feel stronger having him? I know my situation was for such a short time, but I felt stronger. As if I had to be, because sometime I don't care about myself yet if there was a little person, so innocent then I would never ever let anything awful happen. Was it this way for you?

lifeguard17-Thank you so much for your post! You commented on the different points of my insecurities and what you said to each makes so much sense and makes me feel so much better. I am actually starting to believe what you said and others. This is a such a huge change for me. I am taking huge steps in realizing how I am not a monster like my mother and I could never be like her. Thank you:)

ClairBear226-Yes, you are right. I am an adult and it is so strange bc so often we do not feel that way. Which, is why I decided that if I never felt like I could grow up emotionally, how can I support others especially little helpless children. But, now I see that I am more careful and observant of the right vs. wrong that I could be great. I just never imagined it for myself and now that it is a possibility I am having a huge sense of depersonalization. I feel like I just don't know who I am anymore, because I have defined myself to what I knew was safe and I could do well. I never gave myself a chance to even consider other possibilities. Lol, you are so right...no one gets to tell me what to do anymore! That is what my boyfriend tells me! He says I think everyone owns me, but NO...I am my own person. I just have to remind myself;) Do you have children?

 

[ClairBear226]

Do you have children?

I do. I have three, all girls, ages 25, 24, and 9. The older two were born before I had PTSD and the last was born after. Being a parent is always a challenge, and being a parent with PTSD can be moreso. But it hasn't stopped me from making sure my kids have been raised to be strong and independant young women that know they're loved.