asadafagahajakal
Not Active
As a child I've experienced both domestic and institutional violence, by that I mean being battered by some teachers, and severely beaten by classmates. Also sexual abuse a few times.
At home I'd be beaten for the most petty things, I've had fresh hot coffee splashed at me as my mom laughed, and I've even had a couple people pull knives on me, my mom being one of them.
I'm always in a state of preparedness. Im almost always aware of everything within a block radius of me. On especially bad days, I can hear someone walking on gravel three blocks away. and even though now I have the sheer strength to throw someone across a room should I be in danger again, I can't feel safe unless I have trusted friends around or I'm armed.
Sorry if I'm being vague on a few spots, it's a lot to talk about sometimes, but if you follow my posts you might see me open up a bit more about different events.
But when I was 15, my step mom (I lived with my step dad and his wife when I was 12) just moved her chair when she was talking to me, and without reason I just fell off my chair dodging a punch, that wasn't even coming.
So she made me go to a therapist. I talked about what happened, invasive thoughts, nightmares, flinching for no reason, a bit about my past, and although she was a therapist and didn't have authority to diagnose, she said without a doubt I had ptsd. She recommended I see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis, but I had absolutely no trust in psychiatrists because all I thought back then was all they're gonna do is drug me and send me on my way. That's what they did when I was diagnosed with aspergers at age 12 (they gave me an adult dose of zoloft), so what makes ptsd any different?
So I'm grown now, 22 next month, and I'm a bread making father and husband, with no diagnosis and no treatment since I stopted talking to that therapist when I was 15. Basically I've relied solely on talking to trusted friends and my wife, and self help you find online and in psychology books, because God knows what would happen if the dr. Put me on more drugs.
I only started talking to a shrink with my wife just a few weeks ago, since this has always been affecting my sleep and ability to keep a job. maybe I can finally get to the bottom of this. I just know I'll never be normal, I'll never know what it's like to be at peace, but maybe I'll find coping skills that actually work half the time. Or I can keep a job longer than 6 months.
My counselor set me up an appointment with a psychiatrist next month so I can finally get to the bottom of what is actually going on in my mind. A while ago I asked my family doctor what my diagnoses are from 12 years old, and my file said aspergers and opposition defiant disorder. I told my therapist that and she laughed, as she said if ODD gets left untreated it usually evolves into antisocial personality disorder when youre an adult. I was left untreated so to speak and she agrees I still have a conscience, so I quickly realized how messed up the file was.
You know the worse thing in life isn't always the bad things, it's also not knowing what's going on or what to do. hopefully I find out for sure what's going on in my brain and this confusion can end. I know I've already got good advice from a couple people already from. I hope this forum can help in the healing process.
At home I'd be beaten for the most petty things, I've had fresh hot coffee splashed at me as my mom laughed, and I've even had a couple people pull knives on me, my mom being one of them.
I'm always in a state of preparedness. Im almost always aware of everything within a block radius of me. On especially bad days, I can hear someone walking on gravel three blocks away. and even though now I have the sheer strength to throw someone across a room should I be in danger again, I can't feel safe unless I have trusted friends around or I'm armed.
Sorry if I'm being vague on a few spots, it's a lot to talk about sometimes, but if you follow my posts you might see me open up a bit more about different events.
But when I was 15, my step mom (I lived with my step dad and his wife when I was 12) just moved her chair when she was talking to me, and without reason I just fell off my chair dodging a punch, that wasn't even coming.
So she made me go to a therapist. I talked about what happened, invasive thoughts, nightmares, flinching for no reason, a bit about my past, and although she was a therapist and didn't have authority to diagnose, she said without a doubt I had ptsd. She recommended I see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis, but I had absolutely no trust in psychiatrists because all I thought back then was all they're gonna do is drug me and send me on my way. That's what they did when I was diagnosed with aspergers at age 12 (they gave me an adult dose of zoloft), so what makes ptsd any different?
So I'm grown now, 22 next month, and I'm a bread making father and husband, with no diagnosis and no treatment since I stopted talking to that therapist when I was 15. Basically I've relied solely on talking to trusted friends and my wife, and self help you find online and in psychology books, because God knows what would happen if the dr. Put me on more drugs.
I only started talking to a shrink with my wife just a few weeks ago, since this has always been affecting my sleep and ability to keep a job. maybe I can finally get to the bottom of this. I just know I'll never be normal, I'll never know what it's like to be at peace, but maybe I'll find coping skills that actually work half the time. Or I can keep a job longer than 6 months.
My counselor set me up an appointment with a psychiatrist next month so I can finally get to the bottom of what is actually going on in my mind. A while ago I asked my family doctor what my diagnoses are from 12 years old, and my file said aspergers and opposition defiant disorder. I told my therapist that and she laughed, as she said if ODD gets left untreated it usually evolves into antisocial personality disorder when youre an adult. I was left untreated so to speak and she agrees I still have a conscience, so I quickly realized how messed up the file was.
You know the worse thing in life isn't always the bad things, it's also not knowing what's going on or what to do. hopefully I find out for sure what's going on in my brain and this confusion can end. I know I've already got good advice from a couple people already from. I hope this forum can help in the healing process.
