Maybe This Will Help

[kahlan]

(Apologies if in the wrong section...I felt this was most appropriate as majority of my trauma stems from various degrees of relationships)

Ok so I saw a similar thread in the ptsd forum and it got me thinking. This is something I've never been able to do even in therapy but I think I feel safe enough to do this in the relative anonymity of the internet :) a list of causes leading current state of being.

· 3 or so years old being told "suck it in you look fat and pregnant" by mother. Looking back at old pictures, I was most definitely not fat.

·3 Being slapped, bitten, hair pulled, and slammed into a wall by mother for not wanting to get out of my pool

·4/5 Being blamed for my cousin falling and chipping a tooth. He tripped while playing tag but everyone believed him that i pushed him on purpose when I hadn't (the start of me feeling like an outsider in my own family)

·4/5 same cousins tying me to a flag pole playing "cowboys and indians" then leaving me for 3 hours

·5 Mom and dad fighting because dad took me to the hospital not telling mom where we were after I nearly put my eye out running through some pine trees, then after dad went to work mom beating me because "we didn't have the decency to inform her"

·5 seeing my dad in the hospital for the first time

· 5 Bullied at school because I was taller and dirty (my mom would only allow my hair to be washed once a week to not waste water)

·6 More bullying now add glasses to the mix. (By this time I had very little in the way of positive feelings toward myself)

·7 My "boyfriend" stabbed my arm multiple times with a pencil because I wouldn't let him copy my work. In turn got yelled at by the teacher, a nun-still hate nuns to this day, for interrupting the first grade class, meanwhile bleeding everywhere.

·7start new school. Can't fit in. I'm too dirty to fit with the " normal" kids and the "outsiders" thought I was snobby because I was smart. More bullying.

·7 Going to chemo with my dad, watching how sick he got scared me. He was my hero and wasn't supposed to be that way.

 

[sisu]

Great job getting that out! :)

 

[kahlan]

O there's more coming lol @_@

 

[kahlan]

·8 Dad died. The time leading to the funeral I hid in the funeral home refreshment room drinking insane amounts of hot tea. Was totally numb so the scalding heat from the drinks felt good.

·8 Grandma died. I didn't even know she was sick. Got yelled at my mom and slapped because I cried (saw my cousin cry set me into what I thought was an appropriate response) when I never cried for my own father. (Was numb and lost and scared, didn't know how to react)

·8/ 9 Moved. Had to leave most of our pets (had close to 20 adopted stray cats that were as close to "family" as a child could feel.(later learned my cousins boyfriend went out and shot most of them because no one wanted to deal with relocating them add some more trauma there)

· 9 While on vacation with my mom and aunt(dads sister) overheard my aunt say she didn't know why I had to be included, I wasn't blood relation.

·9 moms valium issues begin-beatings escalate

·9 new school. Can't fit in. Not dirty so much anymore but now I'm the weird kid with no social skills. Scoolwork suffers because I can't concentrate. Start acting out inappropriately

· 10 Spent the night at a friends. While she got a shower her older brother cornered me and stuck his hand down my pants. I cried. Was too scared to say anything.

·10/11 Tried hard to have that friend stay at my house but still had to stay there sometimes too. His touching escalated. I finally told my friend she said I was lying. No more sleepover though so I lost my only friend but also stopped her brother from hurting me further.

·12 Got a beating because in the process of learning my 17 year old cousin was pregnant mom got it in her head that I was headed towards being a slut too.(add this to another cousin dying of AIDS I was too scared to have sex until I was 22)

 

[kahlan]

More.coming soon :/

 

[anthony]

Wow Kahlan... really well done on getting this out of you.

 

[kahlan]

There's still more coming lol. I got called into.work and can't get motivated to do anymore today.

 

[kahlan]

·14 Bullied entire freshman year of high school by two girls. Missed a lot of school because of anxiety. Also started vicious cycle of eating disorders

·15 Argument turned physical with mom. She threatened to stab me with scissors, slammed me into a glass door (sliding glass doors still cause some anxiety..i always feel like I'll fall through and be cut to pieces). Ended with me having enough, while she had ahold of my hair I pulled back my fist to punch her. She dropped it and walked away. Last time it was ever physical but the emotional abuse git worse at this point and she made a point of telling everyone I tried to hit her and of course it seemed everyone believed her.

·24 In the process of dealing with the breakup with my first real boyfriend I went out with a friend and her fiancee. While out ran into a friend of the fiancee. Throughout the night my friend kept pushing me to just "do it it'll help you move on past L." I made it clear I wasn't wanting that. Behind my back she invited him back to her house with us, and when everyone went to bed he forced himself on me. I said no and he ignored it. I then panicked and froze just begging inside my head for it to be over. Ran into him two weeks later and he was all smiles and asking why I never called him.

·25-30 I don't really remember much through this time frame other than mostly feeling on autopilot. A few failed suicide attempts.

·29 Met the now ex, got pregnant almost immediately.

·30 Legal issues I still have trouble talking about. Stemming from the autopilot years.

·30 In the midst of legal problems had a suicide plan for after I had the baby (never followed through) its the only thing that actually got me through the last half of the pregnancy halfway sane.

· Hospitalized for two weeks after delivery. Infection due to c-Section complications. Scared to take the pain pills because I thought Id become addicted. Also I hate hospitals after seeing my dad in one for so many years(same one

 

[kahlan]

·31 The emotional abuse from the ex really kicks in. He's drinking everyweekend and he thinks its funny to say he doesn't remember coming in and it must have been me flipping the furniture (to this day I'm thankful and amazed that my son slept through every one of these blowups) and that I must be crazy.

·32 Tax time! Set off money to move out and get started just me and lil man. I lose my job and money Mysteriously disappears.

Now :) got new job new place and a new start! I'm trying to focus on this, but with all the stress I've been under lately all this other stuff has been bubbling up trying to.sneak out to play :p . I've decided I'm going to request a different T. The one I have now I really just am not feeling for some reason.

I already feel a bit lighter having gotten these out of my head and "on paper" I didn't deserve any of it and had no control over most of it (I'll take responsibility for some because it was something I could have avoided but didn't).

I'm weird and funny (I think ;) ) and a kind person. I want to feel that way again. Not the sad, hateful, and resentful person I feel myself turning into. Anyway, I'm sorry if all this was a bit oversharing on my part but I really do feel that even getting all this out here more or less anonymously, may be a step towards doing so in therapy( my old T. Who I felt very comfortable with didn't even get all this :$ )

 

[sisu]

GREAT JOB!! I'm so happy you were able to get that out of your head. I agree, it feels better to purge the garbage that is clogging up the healing and good thoughts. I am not very good at writing with pen & paper - this is great for me. Anonymous venting with awesome feedback.

 

[anthony]

Don't apologize Kahlan, you haven't done anything wrong and this forum isn't about you apologizing for things you haven't done wrong. You've done awesome... well done and good on you for getting all of this out of you. We walk around with so many little issues biting at our ankles, niggling and annoying us, we often don't stop to think about them all.

I think your list is an excellent reminder of both the big and smaller things in life that just piss us off and annoy the hell out of internally.