wondozenroses123
New Here
Hi,
I am turning fifty this year and have raised four boys and am currently in scho, working towards my nursing degree and have already worked with autistic children as an ABA therapist, I love people and have such a connection with them. Many connect with me and yet i find it so diffecult to connect to them.
My history much like others, there is no ones trauma worse or more grievess than anothers, I only share my story to be understood, not to compare...
At four I guess I was strangled, dont remeber but my siblings do by a teen that was then put in a home for troubled kids. At eight my father and mother split, the police came to the house and my dad went crazy, he ended up in a psych ward. I loved them both and was the youngest and it had a profound effect on me emotionally.
By age 12 I had been what I called used by men and until I was age fourty two when I began journalling and trying to figure some things out, didnt even realize I had been raped by a 21 year old married man. I was nieve and very much alone being the youngest of five.
It was then I began running away.
I ran away and found people who liked young girl's and sought the comfort of their arms. I ended up at 14 in a group home, still very much niave and ran away with one of the girls to a city were I was raped twice. Once by a black man the next by a white man in whom I thought was a good guy and he took me in the woods and basically it was a nightmare. It is a long story and it wasnt the last time I saw him.
I ened up being caught by police and then shipped back to the group home, they couldnt keep me from running away and I ended up in my own apartment. Working at night in a city to support my self I was attacked three times after that. I had become a target and I was in a constant state of hyper vigalence sleeping in a closet with a knife.
Other things happened after that because I was so obviously in distress that any one who was looking found an easy target in me.
I then moved and joined a church, led by woman and taught for many years still living fearfully, but I had come along way since my days in a closet.
I had spent most of my adult years just thinking I was normal, every one put refigerators infront of the doors and slept with one eye open, no one in this life actually slept through the night. So I thought.
As my environment became more normal I started realizing I was not. I self diagnosed my self as having chronic PTSD and it was confirmed, and all seems to be OK, but one thing. I mean I will always dream and that is OK I live with that every night and at times they are not frightening.
My most troubling symptom is when I start to get close to people and I am friends with them, if we fight, I have no problem just saying you go your way I'll go mine. Many friends through the years have said they miss me and I have always felt odd as if I can't reciprocate.
Now I have a man in my life who I love dearly as a friend, yes I have been married for 20 years in which I divorced him and had a relationship for the last 7 years. I really loved him, but this knew man, we have been seeing each other maybe once a month for a year now and talk almost every day. It is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever had. I am taking a break because he is not and I am not ready for a relationship as we have talked about, but one weekend with out talking and I could just walk away as if I never knew him.
I am cold inside, my thought is out of sight out of mind. Yet if he walked away from me I would be devastated.
What is wrong with me...I want to feel like others and care and I so easily can just not have any feelings.....
why I am a very compassionate woman I work with stroke victims and miss them and love them...but ones I am supposed to love I can just walk away from....
Me
I am turning fifty this year and have raised four boys and am currently in scho, working towards my nursing degree and have already worked with autistic children as an ABA therapist, I love people and have such a connection with them. Many connect with me and yet i find it so diffecult to connect to them.
My history much like others, there is no ones trauma worse or more grievess than anothers, I only share my story to be understood, not to compare...
At four I guess I was strangled, dont remeber but my siblings do by a teen that was then put in a home for troubled kids. At eight my father and mother split, the police came to the house and my dad went crazy, he ended up in a psych ward. I loved them both and was the youngest and it had a profound effect on me emotionally.
By age 12 I had been what I called used by men and until I was age fourty two when I began journalling and trying to figure some things out, didnt even realize I had been raped by a 21 year old married man. I was nieve and very much alone being the youngest of five.
It was then I began running away.
I ran away and found people who liked young girl's and sought the comfort of their arms. I ended up at 14 in a group home, still very much niave and ran away with one of the girls to a city were I was raped twice. Once by a black man the next by a white man in whom I thought was a good guy and he took me in the woods and basically it was a nightmare. It is a long story and it wasnt the last time I saw him.
I ened up being caught by police and then shipped back to the group home, they couldnt keep me from running away and I ended up in my own apartment. Working at night in a city to support my self I was attacked three times after that. I had become a target and I was in a constant state of hyper vigalence sleeping in a closet with a knife.
Other things happened after that because I was so obviously in distress that any one who was looking found an easy target in me.
I then moved and joined a church, led by woman and taught for many years still living fearfully, but I had come along way since my days in a closet.
I had spent most of my adult years just thinking I was normal, every one put refigerators infront of the doors and slept with one eye open, no one in this life actually slept through the night. So I thought.
As my environment became more normal I started realizing I was not. I self diagnosed my self as having chronic PTSD and it was confirmed, and all seems to be OK, but one thing. I mean I will always dream and that is OK I live with that every night and at times they are not frightening.
My most troubling symptom is when I start to get close to people and I am friends with them, if we fight, I have no problem just saying you go your way I'll go mine. Many friends through the years have said they miss me and I have always felt odd as if I can't reciprocate.
Now I have a man in my life who I love dearly as a friend, yes I have been married for 20 years in which I divorced him and had a relationship for the last 7 years. I really loved him, but this knew man, we have been seeing each other maybe once a month for a year now and talk almost every day. It is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever had. I am taking a break because he is not and I am not ready for a relationship as we have talked about, but one weekend with out talking and I could just walk away as if I never knew him.
I am cold inside, my thought is out of sight out of mind. Yet if he walked away from me I would be devastated.
What is wrong with me...I want to feel like others and care and I so easily can just not have any feelings.....
why I am a very compassionate woman I work with stroke victims and miss them and love them...but ones I am supposed to love I can just walk away from....
Me
