Relationship Meat In The Sandwich...

[Sighs]

So... my partner has combat PTSD and I'm pretty sure a TBI. My daughter (from a previous marriage) has high functioning autism. I live with my partner in one state. My daughter is almost 17 and lives with my parents in another state. I moved about a year ago, partly due to work.

I've invited my daughter to visit us over Christmas. I'd really like to see her. But a big part of me hopes she won't come. Sigh!

She is unable to "take off" her autism to make allowances for his issues. He is unable to "take off" his PTSD to make allowances for the way she behaves. No-one I know IRL gets this. They just say unhelpful things like "surely they can put up with each other for a week or so" or "she's your daughter - he should make more effort" or "he's your partner - she should respect him".

 

[bell]

Personally, even though I don't have kids, any guy who couldn't deal with my kids would be off the table. Separating someone from their loved ones (and even if he just dislikes or tolerates her, that's still not being supportive of your own child) is a major dealbreaker for me.

I know things aren't always that cut and dry, but if you love someone, accepting their kids is part of the deal. To me, that he doesn't "takeoff for her allowances" speaks volumes about his character and his feelings about the relationship.

 

[nursenurse]

I agree with Bell. When you bring a child into the world, they are yours forever. She is the child, you are the adult. She should be your priority, somewhere above a guy who will not compromise for her.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am a sufferer. Any person semi intelligence should comprehend that someone with autism can't just stop having autism. I would think that someone suffering from PTSD is going to be a tad more empathetic to that fact. In this situation, it is totally up to the sufferer to make adjustments. This an autistic child we are talking about. He can walk away, take a time out if he is getting stressed or make other arrangements if he needs too. Autistic child trumps PTSD sufferer in this case.

 

[KwanYingirl]

The child deserves adults that will accomodate and support her needs. Sounds like you already decided to side with your partner. She's probably better off where she is.

 

[scout86]

So, how does your partner feel about this? We're all assuming, I think, that he doesn't get it and/or doesn't care. Is that true? We don't know what behaviors are problems for either of them either. That makes it easy to think he should just suck it up, but maybe it's more complicated than that. If it won't work for them both to be there at the same time, maybe he can go do some visiting of his own.

You mentioned that you moved "partly" due to work.... I'm going to ask a tough question in what I think is a non-judgmental way. Is it possible that you just don't feel up to parenting this kid? (It sounds like a big job.) Just because biology dictates she's "yours" doesn't mean you have what it takes to parent her full time. Maybe that full time responsibility is at least part of what you're dreading? Sometimes it works out that way. I think it would have been better if my mom had farmed me out to someone else, to be honest. That doesn't make her a bad person, or me a bad person either. It was just a bad combination and a bad situation and something else would have been better.

If you want you daughter to come and stay for awhile, she ought to be your priority. If that's too much (and it well could be), maybe you and your partner can just for a visit yourselves and stay in a motel to allow for some distance. Or she and your parents could come for a visit and stay somewhere other than your house. I found that I could handle having my parents come for a visit if they were staying in a motel and I didn't have to be around them all the time. Maybe that sounds horrible but it's reality. A good small scale visit would be better that a bad major visit. I don't think you're obligated to recreate a fairy tale that doesn't fit with reality.

 

[Friday]

Ummm... At 17 I was already serving in the USMC.

But all that aside, haven't there been times that we -as parents- end up in the rock+hard place=groan? You love your kids, you sacrifice for them, you fight for them, and they cause you unimaginable pain. Over. And over. And over. A lot of groaning, and forehead meets drywall is expected. Doesn't make it easier, but it's expected. There are times you just don't want to get up in the morning -or middle of the night-, times when the phone call from school comes at the worst moment possible, times when -especially spectrum disorders and other "invisible" things, but any kind of special needs- you have to be the constant bad guy / "that parent" collecting all the scorn and glares from parents with neurotypical kids. But you still do it. You get up, you smile, you face legions of disapproving everyone, and you make the choices that are best for your kids, no matter how much those choices gut you & exhaust you. Parenting is just plain hard sometimes. Regardless of age. But toddlers and teens tend to come along with the most pain.

I don't read @Sighs choosing sides. What I'm hearing is a parent who understands her child, and loves her, hurting. Because it's not gonna be easy.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@Sighs, you really stuck in the middle of a terrible situation. I am reading that an autistic child can't take off that mask, but then I think we might be forgetting that we can't off the PTSD mask either. I'm glad you have parents that are able to help you throughout what seems to be a no win situation for you.

I wonder, has it always been this way, or did it just start when he came back from combat?

I can't imagine the situation you must be in and I hope you can find a way to make it work so that you guys can all spend Christmas together. If not, maybe you can go to your parents for a week and then you get to enjoy both of them during the holiday season.

Take care

 

[Sighs]

Sigh!

Some of you people just have no freaking idea do you?

@bell - It would be awesome if he could just "suck it up" and NOT have PTSD for a week. That would be great. He wouldn't have any nightmares to freak her out. He wouldn't react when she drops a metal dish on the floor. He would be fine with her staying up all night and keeping him from sleeping. He would be ok with her suddenly staring to scream because her sock is bunched up in her shoe, I'd love to hear your advice as to how exactly he should "take off" his PTSD to make allowances for her behaviour. In fact, based on your comments if he just had better character maybe he could "take off" his PTSD completely. Gee - maybe he just isn't trying hard enough because he doesn't love me enough? Seriously???

@nursenurse - she's 17 not 7. I chose her over her own father when she was 3. I chose her over a man when she was 8. I chose her over a man when she was 14. Am I supposed to continue to choose her when she's 47? She wants to go and live overseas in 12 months time. Do I sit and stare at a wall once she has her own life?

@KwanYingirl - You have no idea what I have done in the last 17 years to accomodate her needs. Including leaving her interstate with my parents to finish school because her autism would make it very difficult for her to change schools when the selfish thing would be to insist that she move with me.

@scout86 - thank you for taking the time to acknowledge the grey areas and difficulties of the situation. I had my daughter at 21. I have sacrificed so much for her. I guess I felt like at 16 she had a boyfriend, her mates, a car and she wanted to finish school where she was which I know is best for her. And my parents were willing and able to care for her. So, I felt like finally I could make a decision about MY life based on what I wanted. As for how my partner feels about this - he doesn't really know. He is happy for her to come down to visit and he thinks that they get along ok and I know he would make as much effort as he can to make her feel welcome. She can't understand him (no theory of mind - no ability to put herself in his shoes) and he freaks her out. I don't want to tell him that she won't visit me because of him - how would that make him feel?

@FridayJones - yep - when I was 17 I had moved out of home. Thank you for your understanding.

@Ghostybear73 - I only met him after he had served a total of 10 years deployment time in 3 different war zones over a 24 year period. So for me - he's always been this way. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[bell]

I stand behind what I said. I'm a sufferer and if I couldn't "take" someone's child because of my own illness, I would stop being selfish and leave.

And if a partner couldn't "take" my child, I would leave them.

Those are my opinions, that doesn't mean you have to agree with them. But it sounds like to me you're choosing him over your daughter, which (from what I read, as I'm not there) is a position I would try like the devil never to enter in the first place.

Don't attack us because of the choices you have made. You asked and we are being honest, I'd take honest opinions that disagree with me any day than people blowing smoke up my arse.

I have an idea because I refuse to let a partner come between me and people that I love. And I sure as hell don't let them take that choice away from me. Lastly, to me, making you choose between him and your daughter is the sign of a selfish, selfish person.

Oh, and attacking people who are responding honestly? A clear sign that you're not so okay with your own decisions. I don't know you, but based on what I've read that's my honest, open opinion. Do with it what you will, but getting angry? A surefire sign you're not okay with how things are.

I think what we're hitting at is if you love someone you love their children. If you can't even like them, you're selfish as hell to stay, because they're putting you, their partner, in a terrible, awful position they should never have to be in.

If he can tolerate her, then perhaps her therapist can best broach that conversation. Hiding things never does anyone any good, no matter what the diagnosis.

 

[KwanYingirl]

All I pointed out, Sighs, is that she is probably better off with her grandparents and by your own words, you agree.

 

[nursenurse]

She is only 17. Yes you need a life for yourself, no one would ever deny you that. But she is a child. Still. Kids sometimes do not mature until they are 26. If she moves when she is 18, then fine. I can see that perhaps you are overwhelmed, I know how it can be, and I am truly sorry for you about that.what I see possibly happening in the future though, is a child who sees that she was left behind, or was second choice, and I do not mean that as a criticism because you have been through so much. I don't want either of you to look at each other as collateral damage, and that is where I fear you are headed. I hope I am wrong.