disturbedghost
New Here
Hi.
This is the first time I'm posting about this.
When I was 3 or 4, I had an infection and needed to have my bladder catheterized at my pediatrician's office because I was in too much pain to urinate. I was held down by several nurses with masks and bouffants and my legs were pried apart with such force (after I closed them in fear) that the nurses' hands trembled. I never experienced worse pain in my life. I screamed and pleaded for my underwear back, for them to put a bandage on, for them to stop. It kept going. It was dark in the room except for one single bright overhead light.
I thought I was gang raped until I was 19.
The effects of the procedure began immediately. I changed as a child. I developed anxiety that required medication. I became withdrawn and created a system in which I had rules for myself that would protect me from having the procedure again. I dissociated. I developed an eating disorder as young as 8, because the first nurse who brought in the equipment was obese. In school, I would have frequent periods where the classroom would disappear and the pediatrician room would come into view, and I would be back in the procedure. My worst trigger was, and is today, young children crying/screaming. I have a visceral and angry reaction. I have been institutionalized 10 times and attempted suicide twice. I have had electroshock treatments. I have vaginismus, meaning I can't be penetrated during sex because my muscles remember the procedure and shut down/tighten. My other symptoms have included, and still include: (all of these related to the trauma)
--Sleep paralysis, learning disabilities, nightmares, hallucinations, fear of physical pain, cutting, starving/purging, fear of sex/hypersexuality to replace negative genital feelings with positive ones, reenactments of trauma in play, feelings of guilt, fixation on sex/genitals in childhood, severe anger, compulsions/obsessions/repetitions, misdiagnosis of autism (due to nonverbal episodes, repetition, etc), feelings of being "dirty", "contaminated", "infected", and so much more
My dad was in the room in front of my body during the procedure and was laughing at my absolute loss of composure; though I'm sure he didn't mean it maliciously it still affected me. He kept telling me that the reason this was happening was because I'd "held it in", meaning my urine. The pornography I watch involves urination in vulnerable positions similar to the position I was held down in. When I first found out that sedation was an option for difficult catheterizations, I lashed out. I slammed doors in my mother's face (who used to be a nurse herself), threw objects, cut myself, became so drastically different that my mother believed I had started taking drugs. I still live with my mother; I am too dependent to not.
I'm sure there are things that I'm missing because this is a story in a tiny nutshell. Thank you for listening. I don't know what the point of this is other than to put it out there somewhere. I am seeing a therapist, but I'm desperate to try and connect with people who've had similar experiences.
This is the first time I'm posting about this.
When I was 3 or 4, I had an infection and needed to have my bladder catheterized at my pediatrician's office because I was in too much pain to urinate. I was held down by several nurses with masks and bouffants and my legs were pried apart with such force (after I closed them in fear) that the nurses' hands trembled. I never experienced worse pain in my life. I screamed and pleaded for my underwear back, for them to put a bandage on, for them to stop. It kept going. It was dark in the room except for one single bright overhead light.
I thought I was gang raped until I was 19.
The effects of the procedure began immediately. I changed as a child. I developed anxiety that required medication. I became withdrawn and created a system in which I had rules for myself that would protect me from having the procedure again. I dissociated. I developed an eating disorder as young as 8, because the first nurse who brought in the equipment was obese. In school, I would have frequent periods where the classroom would disappear and the pediatrician room would come into view, and I would be back in the procedure. My worst trigger was, and is today, young children crying/screaming. I have a visceral and angry reaction. I have been institutionalized 10 times and attempted suicide twice. I have had electroshock treatments. I have vaginismus, meaning I can't be penetrated during sex because my muscles remember the procedure and shut down/tighten. My other symptoms have included, and still include: (all of these related to the trauma)
--Sleep paralysis, learning disabilities, nightmares, hallucinations, fear of physical pain, cutting, starving/purging, fear of sex/hypersexuality to replace negative genital feelings with positive ones, reenactments of trauma in play, feelings of guilt, fixation on sex/genitals in childhood, severe anger, compulsions/obsessions/repetitions, misdiagnosis of autism (due to nonverbal episodes, repetition, etc), feelings of being "dirty", "contaminated", "infected", and so much more
My dad was in the room in front of my body during the procedure and was laughing at my absolute loss of composure; though I'm sure he didn't mean it maliciously it still affected me. He kept telling me that the reason this was happening was because I'd "held it in", meaning my urine. The pornography I watch involves urination in vulnerable positions similar to the position I was held down in. When I first found out that sedation was an option for difficult catheterizations, I lashed out. I slammed doors in my mother's face (who used to be a nurse herself), threw objects, cut myself, became so drastically different that my mother believed I had started taking drugs. I still live with my mother; I am too dependent to not.
I'm sure there are things that I'm missing because this is a story in a tiny nutshell. Thank you for listening. I don't know what the point of this is other than to put it out there somewhere. I am seeing a therapist, but I'm desperate to try and connect with people who've had similar experiences.
