WillowMarie
Silver Member
I have been so frustrated lately because I finally have a great trauma therapist that I understands me, but new memories haven't been coming up. (Any suggestions on how to help this along, or where to go from here, please.)
I know when they stopped. I went to a month long residential treatment for self-injury over a month ago. This was before I found the therapist I have now, and had high hopes for the program in understanding my emotions and how to help me with them. Since most people who self-injure have been through trauma, I figured they would get me like no one else has.
I worked so hard to be emotional before I went (I am usually emotionally numb all the time until something comes along that triggers me, or until I get sick of feeling like I am not alive/real and start to let myself feel feelings), opening the floodgates and letting it flow, trying to hold on to any feelings and let myself feel them until I felt that I was drowning in them.
I was talking about things, writing about things, and new memories were popping up.
Nothing related to any serious trauma, just what I like to call "fluff" memories, but some came with emotions.
Anyways, I was at the program, and was letting myself feel the best I could (hate showing others my feelings) and trying to talk about things that came up. Still, it was more like fluff stuff. I remember the first thing that hit me very hard while I was there.
I remembered I wished my parents would get a divorce because I hated my dad so much. The emotions that came with it hit me so hard and I was literally crying off and on the whole day. I ended up going to my room and crying to let it out because I couldn't let myself cry in front of others.
But then there came the time when they wanted me on medication after the first week. They said I was depressed and I would isolate. I didn't want to be on medicine, I had been on stuff before that numbed me out and was terrified that would happen again and then I couldn't work on anything if no feelings were coming up.
And they didn't understand I would isolate because I would go in my room to cry because I couldn't let loose in front of people yet.
And I was terrified by seeing all the medicine that everyone else was on. Most people were on a LOT. Mood stabilizers, stuff to sleep and to suppress nightmares, and anti depressants. I choose this place because they are a firm believer of feeling feelings and I wanted to do that, not just be stuck on medicine to control my emotions.
I felt myself wanting to close off. There were times I reached out and said what I think would help me. Like encouraging me to share, telling me it will be okay and it is okay to feel that way, helping me say the negative (I realized a coping skill is to focus on the strong side of me, portray that, and not say the weak side I hid from everyone)
But they never did. I was on my own in this battle.
I saw how the staff would treat the others and push them and come into their rooms and get them to talk when they were isolating, but they never did that with me. I have trust issues, and this didn't help. It made me feel like an outcast and all alone, that they really didn't care about me.
There was also a time when I started having nightmares the first week. It seemed like all the terror I felt, that I didn't feel when remembering what I do remember with my dad, was coming through in my dreams. It terrified me, but I felt excited because I thought it was a good step, like my body was testing me to see if I could handle it, and maybe something would come up when I am awake.
I was crushed when the staff wanted to put me on something to suppress my nightmares. I thought they were a good step for me.
I stopped having nightmares after that.
In the second week of the program, I was trying to control again how I reacted. I didn't want to show too much emotion because I thought they would think I was crazy and discharge me from the program because I wouldn't follow their recommendations for medicine.
Then I started to become scared that they were going to discharge me because I wasn't making enough progress. That I wasn't doing good enough.
It was horrible.
I also spent the whole time trying to trust people, but then they would say something that threw me back into, I can't trust them, they don't understand me, they don't care about me.
And the whole last week, I felt abandoned and was in an emotional storm. I felt they didn't help me, that no one could help me, and that they didn't care. I felt they were throwing me back to the wolves (real life) and I wasn't ready.
I think now looking back, all that abandonment feelings came back that last week. I was frustrated the whole time I was there when people would say, what does this remind you of? I couldn't remember because I don't have that many memories.
So I came back home and felt defeated, that I didn't work hard enough because I couldn't break down enough barriers, I didn't remember enough to talk about.
I went into autopilot again since I went back to work. I ignored my feelings and just concentrated at tasks at hand. I feel numb again.
Nothing new has come up.
I found a new therapist that works for me.
But I feel frustrated because I feel like I stopped making progress.
I know when they stopped. I went to a month long residential treatment for self-injury over a month ago. This was before I found the therapist I have now, and had high hopes for the program in understanding my emotions and how to help me with them. Since most people who self-injure have been through trauma, I figured they would get me like no one else has.
I worked so hard to be emotional before I went (I am usually emotionally numb all the time until something comes along that triggers me, or until I get sick of feeling like I am not alive/real and start to let myself feel feelings), opening the floodgates and letting it flow, trying to hold on to any feelings and let myself feel them until I felt that I was drowning in them.
I was talking about things, writing about things, and new memories were popping up.
Nothing related to any serious trauma, just what I like to call "fluff" memories, but some came with emotions.
Anyways, I was at the program, and was letting myself feel the best I could (hate showing others my feelings) and trying to talk about things that came up. Still, it was more like fluff stuff. I remember the first thing that hit me very hard while I was there.
I remembered I wished my parents would get a divorce because I hated my dad so much. The emotions that came with it hit me so hard and I was literally crying off and on the whole day. I ended up going to my room and crying to let it out because I couldn't let myself cry in front of others.
But then there came the time when they wanted me on medication after the first week. They said I was depressed and I would isolate. I didn't want to be on medicine, I had been on stuff before that numbed me out and was terrified that would happen again and then I couldn't work on anything if no feelings were coming up.
And they didn't understand I would isolate because I would go in my room to cry because I couldn't let loose in front of people yet.
And I was terrified by seeing all the medicine that everyone else was on. Most people were on a LOT. Mood stabilizers, stuff to sleep and to suppress nightmares, and anti depressants. I choose this place because they are a firm believer of feeling feelings and I wanted to do that, not just be stuck on medicine to control my emotions.
I felt myself wanting to close off. There were times I reached out and said what I think would help me. Like encouraging me to share, telling me it will be okay and it is okay to feel that way, helping me say the negative (I realized a coping skill is to focus on the strong side of me, portray that, and not say the weak side I hid from everyone)
But they never did. I was on my own in this battle.
I saw how the staff would treat the others and push them and come into their rooms and get them to talk when they were isolating, but they never did that with me. I have trust issues, and this didn't help. It made me feel like an outcast and all alone, that they really didn't care about me.
There was also a time when I started having nightmares the first week. It seemed like all the terror I felt, that I didn't feel when remembering what I do remember with my dad, was coming through in my dreams. It terrified me, but I felt excited because I thought it was a good step, like my body was testing me to see if I could handle it, and maybe something would come up when I am awake.
I was crushed when the staff wanted to put me on something to suppress my nightmares. I thought they were a good step for me.
I stopped having nightmares after that.
In the second week of the program, I was trying to control again how I reacted. I didn't want to show too much emotion because I thought they would think I was crazy and discharge me from the program because I wouldn't follow their recommendations for medicine.
Then I started to become scared that they were going to discharge me because I wasn't making enough progress. That I wasn't doing good enough.
It was horrible.
I also spent the whole time trying to trust people, but then they would say something that threw me back into, I can't trust them, they don't understand me, they don't care about me.
And the whole last week, I felt abandoned and was in an emotional storm. I felt they didn't help me, that no one could help me, and that they didn't care. I felt they were throwing me back to the wolves (real life) and I wasn't ready.
I think now looking back, all that abandonment feelings came back that last week. I was frustrated the whole time I was there when people would say, what does this remind you of? I couldn't remember because I don't have that many memories.
So I came back home and felt defeated, that I didn't work hard enough because I couldn't break down enough barriers, I didn't remember enough to talk about.
I went into autopilot again since I went back to work. I ignored my feelings and just concentrated at tasks at hand. I feel numb again.
Nothing new has come up.
I found a new therapist that works for me.
But I feel frustrated because I feel like I stopped making progress.
